Struggling with dad in hospital.

[mrslimpet]

Hi, my 85 year old DF has been admitted to hospital with low sodium.
He has never had a days illness in his life and he is really struggling with being in hospital. He is very much used to being in charge of his own destiny and this sudden change is a horrible shock for him. He likes everything done a certain way and obvs that’s not happening at the minute. The staff on the whole have been ok but he has not stopped moaning about everything!
Its just me and my sister visiting ( she lives with him so is a bit more used to him and we lost mum 2 years ago ) and obviously we are going every day.
I know this sounds awful but I am really struggling with this and resenting having to see him every day.
He is not an easy person and was very strict when we were growing up. So I do feel a lot of sympathy for him dealing with this, I’m also struggling with my feelings at the situation.
Also at the moment he has lost a lot of mobility and it’s not clear whether he will regain this, so I’m worried my sister will take on more than she should when he comes home.
I’m really not prepared to take on any caring.
I love him of course ( that’s what makes everything harder! ) but how do I resign myself to these visits for now and suck it up?
Anyone relate?

It's difficult OP, I'm sorry. Maybe take heart in the fact that he is still recognisably himself (warts 'n 'all)? It's possible that those days are numbered, so one day you might miss his cantankerous old self.

Do you have to visit him every day? Can you and your sister take it in turns?

It's hard when a relativ3 that you have a difficult or strained relationship with becomes less able. It sounds like he has no qualms about critising you and your sister too which will make it harder.
He doesn't need 2 visits a day. The odd day he can make do with one of you so you can both have a day off. If he doesn't like it what's he going to do? It's also ok to prioritise yourself and say no if you need a break.
My father was ill last year and in hospital for months and while there are more of us it was very difficult to keep up the high rate of visits as visiting hospital is exhausting and gets expensive and that's without having a difficult relationship with the person I was visiting.
On the days you have to visit can you make up games like father bingo and check them off if he moans about or says something predictable? Can you take him for walks in a wheelchair so you don't have to talk the whole time? Can you take a friend in with you so you aren't the only one there and give him someone else to talk to?

Thank you so much for these replies and these suggestions.
Do people really think it’s ok for him to just get 1 visit a day?
Ive always been bad at setting boundaries, especially with my family and my sister has always really dictated things. And I know she wouldn’t be happy with this, but also I don’t want her to be taking up the slack if I have day off, which is what she will do, and make me feel bad!
I know I can be a bit of a wimp , my dh has been away with work all week since this has happened and I know he will be backing me up when he gets home and I will feel stronger.

It sounds as though your dad won't be happy whatever you do, so you and your sister should cut each other some slack 😉

It can be hard to stand up to family especially if there's a dynamic of people being unpleasant to get their way.
There's 4 of us that could visit and it quickly became impossible for there to always be 2 visits a day every single day. It's unreasonable to expect you to be available every single day on top of the rest of your life.
Can you say you'll visit for a bit longer one night but you can't manage the next one? How do the visits you are currently having go? Can you do a puzzle together or something so there's less speaking.

I am going to sound very harsh here, but when my DM was in hospital I was living 200 miles away. There is no way I could visit every day. You don't need to visit every day and a rota is fine. Plenty of people go into hospital and don't have daily visitors.

And last time my FIL was in hospital we didn't find out until he has been discharged as MIL forgot to tell us!

It is lovely that you have been doing this, but if it too much don't beat yourself up.

Thank you so much for supportive words.

• I really like the idea of doing a puzzle! He does like crosswords - we could try one together.

There is no need to go every day! Can’t you each go 2-3 times per week but on different days so he ends up with a visit from someone every other day?

Last time mine was in hospital I didn’t visit at all (couldn’t drive for a short while) and the sky didn’t fall in.

Has he got a phone with him so he can call friends etc?

I can’t tell you how pathetic I feel to be basically asking permission to visit every other day! This is what my family do to me. I’m a bloody 56 year old grandma!!!!
Thanks for everyone’s help and stories

I totally get it but like others have said he doesn’t need 2 visits a day. How does your DSis think that people with no or little family get on?

My DA was admitted this year with the sane thing but to a Hospital 30 miles away. I visited often but it wasn’t practical to go every day. If I knew someone else would be going I didn’t go on that day.

One thing I’ve found helpful in dealing with my controlling “D”M is reading up on F.O.G. Fear, Obligation and Guilt

Try also to use your own expectations as a benchmark. If you were in hospital, would you expect everyone to visit daily? I doubt it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Quite! When my mum was in hospital she got visited about once every 5 days - dsis is about an hour away, i am more than two, and we both have jobs. And she was VERY grateful every time.

outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

Well, he's 85. How sick does he seem? Do you think "this could be it"? - or do you think they'll probably buff him up and kick him out? That's a long winded way of saying, if you're not going to be doing this for long, it's easier to put up with.

That said. Is he stone deaf or can you call him instead?

Also - grumbling about being old and sick is one thing, but is he horrid to you? If so, it's ok to say, "I can see this visit isn't cheering you up Dad, I'll be off now," and depart.

On a completely different tack - have a think about what his childhood and early adulthood was like. My Dad drove me crackers sometimes, but when I reflected on the circumstances of how he'd got that way, I found I could be slightly more tolerant and patient... Sometimes!

My DM moved to a new care home November 2019. I visited almost every day as I was her only visitor (DF died, DB not local), I thought she needed to see me and I felt guilty if I didn't go. Six months later, COVID hit. They locked the doors and I didn't see her for four months. She was absolutely fine without me! Lesson learned.
Your DF will be fine, too, I promise you.

I agree that one visit a day is fine and think that you and your DSis should take it in turns so you each get a day off then a day on. How are you working or doing anything else with going every day?

Has he got a mobile phone? If he could text you or if you could give him a ring that would be a good way of spreading out your time. You absolutely do not need to visit every day. If you look at other patients when you go in, you will see loads who don't have visitors and are probably just dozing or watching tv.

You have to accept that anything you do will not be enough, you will always feel you should be doing more. So do what suits you and what you can manage.

Thank you everyone for putting things in perspective.
I tried to talk to my sister yesterday but she wasn’t really listening or validating my feelings. She is alot more willing to go along with his ‘ways’.
Every time I go I’m embarrassed how he is with the staff.
At times in my younger life he was very controlling and when I left home at 25 to move in with a friend he cut me off for a few weeks because he didnt approve. My sister never left. That’s the sort of control I’m talking about. I dont want to get sucked back into their life- I usually see him once a week and that’s all I can manage.
My husband is back home now and a tower of strength. I am going to visit every other day and my sister can do what she wants.
By the way before this hospital admittance I had to look after him for a couple of days at home on my own - he sleeps naked and refused to wear pants even when he knew I was going to have to help him with things ( he fell out of bed twice ) That’s how he is - bloody minded at getting his own way. I’m getting panicky just thinking about it all now.
Sorry to rant, I just needed to give you a fuller picture.

Are you absolutely sure you want to go every other day? That’s still a lot. We have a lot of oldies to look after at the moment but apart from obviously emergencies we try and keep the weekends for ourselves. I honestly think it’s the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. It means weekdays are extra busy but we cover one another at home.

I’m just worried as I know my dsis will still go everyday - and she’ll be run ragged with it all.
Although I am beginning to realise I’m not responsible for her and her happiness.

The nurses are used to it, although it’s not nice for them it doesn’t have the emotional impact it has on your and dsis.

Is he bored? Dehydrated? Being bored and thirsty leads to a lot of moaning. Hospitals are hot, tiresome, sleepless, sweaty, exhausting places.

My mum appreciated having her iPad with her when stuck in hospital for several weeks. She played sudoku, watched tv, read the news, made video calls, kept up with emails. I couldn’t visit every day but we would chat on the phone for hours. I tried to get there at least 4 or 5 times a week, and I’d turn up with a Costa coffee, her mail, gossip, treats, hand cream, a new library book, a change of clothes, a nice body spray … things to feel human.

Exactly that's her choice to go every day and to be running herself ragged. You don't have to make the same choices that she does.

Your sister has been housed by your dad qll
these years too so frankly she’s the one out of both of you who owes your dad for financing her lifestyle all these years! If he’s a miserable rude old man just visit once a week at most and if he complains tell him why you aren’t visiting daily! He’s rude and horrible to everyone so why would you want to! Might make him think a bit