Mum wants me to say a few words at dad's memorial - but he was an awful man

[Borntorunfast]

DF and I had a complex relationship. I think he was a controlling man, intolerant of people who weren't like him. As a stubborn, independent ND woman not afraid to stand up for herself, we often clashed: I left home at 17, went NC for many years, but we reconciled when I had kids.

In his latter 5 years or so his mental health declined and he developed mania, psychosis and he became much more controlling, and then finally both verbally and physically abusive. For me, those last 5 years were simply a dialling up of the traits I'd witnessed all my life, albeit likely caused by dementia.

For the rest of my family, it was a perplexing tragedy, that "came out of nowhere; he was such a lovely man before."

He died in March. We scatter his ashes tomorrow. Mum wants me to say a few words. For context, I'm the one in my family who sorts everything out; my mum expects us/me to 'parent' her. So she is passing the buck, as usual, because she'll find it too difficult to say anything.

I said I wouldn't be doing that. I strong-armed my brother into saying something instead.

But my kids are coming and I don't want to say anything but I also think it's not a good lesson foe them, or be confusing to them if I don't.

I think I'm also still angry with dad, so this could be a good 'letting go' moment - and I suspect my refusal is also me hanging on anger I no longer need in my life.

If I say something, what on earth do I say? Any tips or thoughts?

How many people will be there OP? Presumably if it’s scattering of the ashes it will be close family only? If this is the case, they’ll know what he was like. It’s not fair to expect you to speak after the way you’ve been treated. Perfectly ok for you to refuse. It all sounds very false and for appearances sake, but whose?!

I feel this, OP - it was the same for me when my abusive tyrant of a father died.

My mother was on and on at me to write some sort of beautiful eulogy. I couldn't think of a single nice thing to say.

I managed to cobble together a few sentences a couple of days before the funeral, mostly about being a beloved grandfather etc, and the celebrant read them out at my request.

It's really hard, and you have my sympathy xx

If you feel that you need to say something for your Mum's sake then I would get chatgpt to write something for you. Minimum thought, effort and emotional engagement involved. You could even just use your posts on this thread as a prompt. E.g.

"We’re here today to scatter Dad’s ashes and to say goodbye.
My relationship with him wasn’t always easy, but he was part of my life and my story, and he will always be part of this family.

Goodbye, Dad."

So it’s a scattering of ashes and not a full funeral. What is your brother saying? I’d make sure his bit is sufficiently long that you dont have to say anything.

If you must, read a favourite poem he liked,or something that someone else has written.
What about Mary Elizabeth Frye's "Do not stand at my grave and weep”.

i know it’s not a grave but it’s the same thing, the place you scatter the ashes.

This is a comfort for the living, as are all funerals - which I think is a necessary part of life and the human condition. Your dad won't benefit from your words, if that helps in anyway. You could just say something about his life. Was he in the army or had a particular hobby? You could cobble a few words together about that. Your children won't learn hypocrisy from your actions. They will learn that sometimes we are asked to do something we don't want to do but that sometimes it is the right thing to do. I don't think that's a bad lesson.

My dad didn’t say anything at his mums funeral. Nobody did which makes me a bit sad looking back.

But it’s never been an issue… people who want something said about them need to inspire that in people while alive. He didn’t do that for you. So you don’t owe him anything.

You don’t have to.

If you feel you must, that’s what poetry is for. Essentially someone else speaking for you.

My brother read a chunk of the Bible at our Dad’s funeral. He’s very religious and my dad was a non religious churchgoer of a very different type, and they always fought about it. So I think it was a very subtle ‘I’ve got the final say’.

I love (and have asked for as my funeral poem) ‘Fear no more the heat of the sun’ from Shakespeare’s Cymbeline.

My dad was similar, an arsehole really. As the eldest I was expected to say something but I made out I'd be too upset to do it. I wrote out a very matter of fact timeline of his life and emailed it to the priest.
Your DB is saying something so job done OP. Your dad is lucky you're going to the ceremony.

Loads of people just write notes for the vicar. No need to say anything really. I do reiterate the benefit of forgiving though. Harbouring angst for decades doesn’t make anyone happy or content. Funerals are final so get through it and move on. The day isn’t about your strong independent women feelings. It’s an hour for other people and your dc won’t care what you do unless you have bad mouthed your DF of course.

You strong armed your Brother into saying something, so you've also passed the buck...

Maybe your brother doesn't want to say anything either

Just say 'no I'm sorry but it's not something I want to do'. I personally wouldn't even want to be there if he was as bad as he sounds.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe He’s dead. He won’t know who is there! That’s the ultimate stupidity in this. Those who want to say something should but if not, stay silent. All of this is about the living.

I would go with sentences like “many in his life felt he was a…”, “his colleagues would have described him as….”, “to some he was x, to others he was y” with x and y being neutral or positive, “to mum he was a partner of x many years who….”. Basically don’t say anything about your own feelings about him. Make it about everyone else in his life.

You could say something about goodbyes and transient nature of life. Poem could also work - maybe do not stand at my grave & weep? Keeps it more about the event than the person.

Would your mum be upset if you read this.

Not, How Did He Die, But How Did He Live?
Not how did he die, but how did he live?
Not what did he gain, but what did he give?
These are the units to measure the worth
Of a man as a man, regardless of birth.
Not, what was his church, nor what was his creed?
But had he befriended those really in need?
Was he ever ready, with word of good cheer,
To bring back a smile, to banish a tear?
Not what did the sketch in the newspaper say,
But how many were sorry when he passed away.

When we scattered my Uncle’s ashes on a cliff top ( family only - not a formal ceremony) there was nothing personal said at all as a eulogy had already been given at his cremation several months earlier.
His daughter felt that his ashes shouldn’t be scattered in silence so whilst her brother opened the urn and scattered the ashes she read the ‘no man is an island” quotation from Ernest Hemingway’s novel For Whom the Bell Tolls which was one of her fathers favourite books.

Absolutely agree with this!

I've had similar issues on my mind. My father isn't dead yet but is an awful, awful human being. Try as I might I cannot find anything positive to say about him and have been terrified I'll have to say something at his funeral (hopefully not too far away as he isn't in great health) because, like you, I am the one who is expected to do things. The other day my mother let me know they're planning direct cremations and won't be holding any kind of wake or service for my father (she didn't bother to point out that she is the only human being in the world that might have any sad thoughts about him dying so no-one would come). The relief I feel is huge. It's going to be hard enough responding appropriately to people who will assume I'm feeling some kind of grief and sadness.

It's very difficult to go against societal expectations of how you should respond or behave when a close family member dies but with your own children you shouldn't have to fake it all. Let your brother do his bit - shove as much of it as possible on his shoulders, and you try to find a way to stay out of the way as much as possible. Nasty case of Covid, maybe.

OP if you don’t want to tell lies then don’t. If you don’t want to speak at all then don’t. Your feelings matter just as much as those you’re supposed to comfort with flimsy fibs. My own dad was a nasty human being, I didn’t even go to his funeral, but his death did let me release myself from the little cage of hate my feelings for him had me in. I barely think of him now and when I do it’s just a fleeting thought. I hope the completion of the memorial brings you the same peace, just don’t let your DM make this an annual/regular thing.

That's not a very nice post to write to someone who is grieving.

But, for clarity, my brother had a great relationship with my dad, and had already told me he was sad he didn't get to say anything at dad's funeral (because he didn't have one; dad chose a direct cremation). I meant 'strongarmed' in that although both my parents adored him he's also lazy and self-absorbed, and won't do anything unless you very explicitly say: you need to do this now.

So no, I did not pass the buck. Having had that done to my all my life, it's absolutely not something I would do to anyone else.

Thanks to everyone who wrote constructive posts. I did say something, taking some of the very good advice given here - I focused on something that dad really valued (family) and I talked about that. It worked as a bit of an intro - but it was also a positive thing to say. I'm glad I did it, and I'm glad I found a way to say something that felt both true and positive. My brother then went on to say some very lovely things, so it worked well.

Thanks everyone, you were a big help in finding the right thing to say - and sorry to anyone else who, like me, has/had a complicated relationship with their parent x

@Borntorunfast glad to hear it went well and you are happy with the end result. Your family is lucky to have you

Lots of people have complex relationships with family when you get scolded for that by someone who never walked in your shoes remind the scolder that they should hug their parents and say thanks.