Mum wants me to say a few words at dad's memorial - but he was an awful man

[Borntorunfast]

DF and I had a complex relationship. I think he was a controlling man, intolerant of people who weren't like him. As a stubborn, independent ND woman not afraid to stand up for herself, we often clashed: I left home at 17, went NC for many years, but we reconciled when I had kids.

In his latter 5 years or so his mental health declined and he developed mania, psychosis and he became much more controlling, and then finally both verbally and physically abusive. For me, those last 5 years were simply a dialling up of the traits I'd witnessed all my life, albeit likely caused by dementia.

For the rest of my family, it was a perplexing tragedy, that "came out of nowhere; he was such a lovely man before."

He died in March. We scatter his ashes tomorrow. Mum wants me to say a few words. For context, I'm the one in my family who sorts everything out; my mum expects us/me to 'parent' her. So she is passing the buck, as usual, because she'll find it too difficult to say anything.

I said I wouldn't be doing that. I strong-armed my brother into saying something instead.

But my kids are coming and I don't want to say anything but I also think it's not a good lesson foe them, or be confusing to them if I don't.

I think I'm also still angry with dad, so this could be a good 'letting go' moment - and I suspect my refusal is also me hanging on anger I no longer need in my life.

If I say something, what on earth do I say? Any tips or thoughts?

Your brother is saying a few words i don't think you need to do anything you being there at the memorial is enough for your children, they don't have to know you didn't particularly like their grandfather but they wont get anything out of you talking rubbish about him either.

Did he have any good qualities ? Love his Grandchildren, a good husband etc ? If so just focus on that with some facts about his life, place of birth, childhood, job etc.
We had this problem in our family but the deceased was truly an awful person, it would have been upsetting to say anything along those lines, and also upsetting for the people he hurt to lie, so he had no eulogy. The vicar said a brief few words.
I am sorry for your loss, it can be harder when there are conflicting feelings about a parent.

if you feel you must, could you read a poem or something and simply say dad meant a lot to many people who will miss him terribly.

I actually think if you're up to it and you really want to say something you could say an abridged version of your description of him above.

"Dad wasn't always the easiest man, he was very strong willed, and as you all know we clashed at times...but we reconciled when my children were born and [insert something positive here, assuming there was a reason you reconciled]. I remember [insert happy occasion from that time]. Dad had a challenging last few years and it was his time, so we are ready to say our goodbyes".

But I also think completely fine to say nothing.

I think you could go with "I'm sorry, I just can't" and sniff a bit. you don't have to do it and neither do you have to explain it to anyone. Let people assume what they want.

I was asked to speak at my Dad's funeral. A few people looked shocked whan I described him as bigoted and intollerant but it was the truth.

You don't have to say anything. A vicar or celebrate can talk about them

I had a similar relationship with my father. I read If I Should Go by Joyce Grenfell at his funeral. We also encouraged our brother to read a few words, and had to get him to tone down the first draft so that our mother wouldn’t be upset.

Thanks everyone. Some really helpful advice, and yes, our relationship makes grieving difficult. I'd just rather not be doing the whole thing, and the feeling that I don't get a say in that - as everyone else's needs always trump mine, and always have - makes me want to just say no to anything to do with it!

I like that poem @Thewalrusandthecarpenter

@BorntorunfastDeath could bring about forgiveness maybe? Perhaps reflect on your anger and get rid of it? What’s the point of living your life being angry?

Sorry for your loss.

Its so munh more complicated when you loved him and recognised that he was a deeply flawed person who casued you harm

If it is just family /close friends you could go with a soft version of the truth.

Dad was born in X.
Was an only first middle last child.
Met mum when he was X
They married and lived in X

Then how (If) he showed love or said I love you to mum

Worked for
Enjoyed it as he loved the ....
or not
provided for his family as best he could ...
Loved sport music...
Hated foods ...

Had 2? Children
If DB is older do a few line ls of grew went to sports funny childhood story thenwelcomed DB partner? their children
Did a lot for Dad and Mum during final yeàrs
Know he will be there for Mum in future.

I am the 1/2 child and had a tumultuous relationship.
Fond memory of a nice childhood event
Left home and only the reconnected after the birth of children
Nice memory of him trying to be a granddad

Last years have been hard on Mum as he lost his battle with dementia
Sort summary of others who helped.

Accepted death with grace
Was fighting to the end but at peace

Mum will miss him and although she found these final years hard she never stopped caring and showing her love in small ways.

Mum will miss him but hope she can kind joy in children and friends who will continue to offer support

I think if your other family members dont feel the same way about him its always going to be very hard to express it to them as they dont share a memory.

And TBH a time of high emotion may not be a good time to have hard conversations as is could create rifts that hurt more than if it was you meeting DM /DB for a meal and a chat.

Your partner may be the best person to listen or detail change a little and write it down to vent here.

As for your children you can be age appropiately honest as to your relationship but be mindfull that if he was a good granddad and you protected them they may have seen him as a nice GD

If you need to say something could you talk about some things he may have liked, rather than your relationship with him. Did he do gardening? Did he enjoy nature? Did he love a pint of whatever in his favourite pub? Did he support a football team? You get the idea. You can ask chaptgpt for inspiration and then tweak it.

Hello OP,

You don't have to do anything (including organize the funeral - what would happen if you just... don't ?) your mother have her expectations but she chose him as her partner, you didn't choose him as a father. I'd let the ball drop, which is sometimes the only way for people to actually appreciate what you do for them - when they see what it's like when you don't and also that you don't actually have to.

As for the eulogy, I personally believe that death isn't a get out of jail card so I wouldn't say nice things about someone who wasn't a good person.

Obviously I wouldn't want to upset his family if I wasn't related to him myself so I just wouldn't say anything, but as his daughter I think you are entitled to your feelings.

So you have two options, either say nothing, or say the truth about him (if you're able and willing to deal with the fallout).

"I did not have a good relationship with my father, as he was (bad qualities). Although he also was (anything positive to say). I'm sure others will have had a different experience and memories of his life and relationship with him, but these are mine. I felt it was important to speak today because (reasons - to be finally heard ? To lay old grievances to rest ?) Now, at last, I am ready to say goodbye to him."

Op i think it is absolutely fine to just say you are not up to it,

Don’t let everyone else’s feelings trump yours. Put yourself first. You won’t need to go into great detail as to why you don’t want to. Just say you don’t want to and someone else should.

you don’t have to say anything op.

Don’t worry about it being a bad lesson for your kids. Treat it as a good lesson, that it’s ok to say no to something you don’t feel comfortable with.

And i massively disagree with PP who suggested forgiving him. It doesn’t mean you need to stay angry, it is also just a recognition that just because people get ill or pass away, doesn’t mean they aren’t or weren’t still horrible.

I think not speaking would be a good lesson to show your children they are allowed to care for their feelings, I'm sure you wouldn't want them to feel pressured to speak if they didn't feel it was right.

You can just repeat 'I really can't speak'.

Sorry it's so complicated, hopefully you'll get some space soon to work through your thoughts

I actually think that declining to speak sends a good message to your children. I don't know how old they are but perhaps you could say that it feels right to you that you are involved in the memorial - he was your dad and although the relationship was difficult, you did love him (if this is the truth) - but that given the difficulties and fact that the relationship was at various times toxic, you don't feel comfortable speaking at the event because to speak truthfully may be hurtful to other people who are grieving him. That it's a boundary you feel strongly about and that's that.

I said something about how the dead live on through the memories of those who knew them, so please take a few moments to reflect on your memories of (in my case) my mother.

You can say he lived life the way he did, enjoyed golf, suffered ill health and left this earth , describe the casual man, not lie about the greatness he obviously didn't possess

The celebrant at my mother's funeral was great and understood the assignment when she wrote the eulogy for us. There was the factual portion with dates and achievements, and then acknowledgement of her "personal and health difficulties" alongside the affect that had on her family and friends (no specifics) and the gratitude all should feel at the end of the suffering. Ours and hers, although that bit went directly unsaid. When we discussed it beforehand I did not want to whitewash what it was like to live with a controlling nasty alcoholic and pretend everything was OK. We'd all been to the funeral of a relative that was in a wheelchair and unable to talk or feed himself for most of his life and his eulogy was all about him playing football and going out drinking with his mates like it was some other person - I didn't want that.

You can be brief and honest, and vague. People know, you don't have to say the words out loud. I hope it goes well.

For God's sake, it's your DAD'S FUNERAL and you're allegedly expected to stand up and give a speech in front of everyone?!

Fuck that.

When my dad died, I was much too upset to think of giving any speeches at the funeral.

When my mum dies, I won't be making any speeches because I don't really have anything good to say about her. So, still no speech, just for different reasons.

Absolutely nobody has the right to demand you do this. Most of the funerals I've been to haven't had anything like this. The officiant gives some kind of talk, and that's all. Occasionally a family member will give a speech IF THEY WANT TO.

Don't be fooled into thinking this is compulsory in some way. Your brother doesn't have to do it either. Nobody has to do it

There is no need to say anything at all. At my dad's funeral last year we had a similar problem. Of the three siblings only one (not me) spoke. They confined their remarks to non-family aspects of my dad's life.

Similarly to yours, my dad's declining cognitive health in later years intensified his intensely rigid, controlling and angrily paranoid thinking. It made it easier to acknowledge just how pathological his behaviour had been all our lives.

Edited to add: There isn't even any convention that all siblings should speak. It is entirely, utterly your own decision to make. It won't remotely send a bad message toy your children if you don't speak. And I think it is appropriate for you to gently tell your mum the reasons why you cannot speak.

If there will be others who will be trouble making/ gossiping for the sake of it, think of two or three banal replies.

Eg
Thanks for comming today to his memorial its appreciated.
Mum misses his company
I cant believe how much time has passed March
Etc
And then ask them for their memory of him

1. it keeps the person occupied
2. you dont have to provide your memories
3. you get to hear some parts of his life you may not be aware of.

🌻