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Elderly parents
Original poster

Sister wants to put mum into care

29 replies

CarerforMum · 02/09/2025 21:48

Sister and I have joint POA over elderly mum. She lives alone and health is failing due to heart disease, diabetes and still smokes.
Its usually me doing the visits, organising a cleaner, getting his dinner, generally helping. Sister goes round once every 2 weeks to 'help'. Refuses to do more. Would rather she be in a home as its easier for her.
Mum is failing health wise but manages with help from me and cleaner. Dr has checked, she is mentally competent.
Sister has knickers in a twist now as she's refusing to go to Dr and wants me to push her into a home.
I've explained its mums choice and theres nothing we can do except support her until her health deteriorates. sister has now gone to relatives and made up stories about how bad she is. (classic sister tactics)So now I'm getting grief from all quarters!
Any advice? I lpve my mum very much but respect this is her life, her decision and ultimately sadly her death.

OP posts:
YelloDaisy · 02/09/2025 22:07

I don’t think she can smoke in the care home -would have to go outside .
i would ignore sis -is she actually checking out care homes etc I doubt it

StepsInTime · 02/09/2025 22:09

a) it is easier for her
b) she thinks she will live longer in the home as diabetes and smoking will be better managed

Glitchymn1 · 02/09/2025 22:10

If your mum has capacity neither of you can make her do anything.
Adult social services can do an assessment to keep her at home longer, stair lifts, grab bars and downstairs toilet for example. Might depend where she lives regarding funding.

Kiwirose · 02/09/2025 22:13

If your mum has capacity then it is her decision. POA doesn't give you the right to railroad people.

Plus it sounds like she would need to self fund. Are there sufficient funds to do this?

You could contact the GP to support you in this situation. If your sister was exhibiting co trolling and coercive behaviour this could be construed as a safeguarding issue against a vulnerable adult.

yeesh · 02/09/2025 22:21

Does your sister know how much a care home placement costs? That usually puts an end to the idea with people like your sister.

Daisyshake · 02/09/2025 22:22

Hi. Smoking wouldn't be aloud in a home. My dads much the same, smokes and drinks. Yes getting old and frail too, but its his choice to stay in his own home and me and my siblings respect that. Have you asked her if she wants to go in a home? Its not easy supporting them as they get more fragile. Best wishes

BreakingBroken · 02/09/2025 22:36

the elderly rarely "want" to go into a care home so waiting for your mother to suggest it is simply silly.
however care homes can be healthier options than home even with support (especially if the support comes with some begrudging attitude).
i would tour some and look into having everything in place and set up should emergency respite be needed.

HeddaGarbled · 02/09/2025 22:36

Just to address the smoking issue, at my mum’s care home there was an outdoor smoking area for residents.

But, yeah, I agree with PPs, it doesn’t sound like your mum is at the stage where she needs to move to a care home yet.

The step on the way is usually home carers first. That would be if she needs help with washing, dressing, getting meals, incontinence issues, being safe at home, that sort of thing.

Leanne55 · 02/09/2025 22:38

They can smoke but have to go outside, suggest respite car she might like it

Loubylie · 02/09/2025 22:41

When my mum went into a care home (very reluctantly) she soon became fitter and happier. She enjoyed the company and the simple activities. I wouldn't rule it out if you can find a good one.

BarnOwlFlying · 02/09/2025 22:41

It’s not wrong to want something that makes your life easier. If you sister thinks it would better for her then that should be a factor in the decision.
A needs assessment for your mum and her carer (?the OP) is the next step.

Original poster
CarerforMum · 02/09/2025 22:57

thanks, some helpful advice there!
Mum has days where she;s struggling and says she wants to go in a home. then next day changes her mind. I personally think a home would be good but she's stubborn as hell. shes in a council property so would need to go through social services/GP for carers or looking at a home.
As she has capacity, this needs to come from mum. She listens to me as I actually spend time with her and do all admin. Whilst she struggles, I dont think shes ready for a home yet. I respect that and dont nag.
Sister has history for coercive controlling behaviour so I'm looking out for that. Will get mum an advocate if needed.
Oh, i did get the OT out last month with mums agreement to get some aids in the house so that was a start.

OP posts:
unsync · 02/09/2025 23:05

How many times are carers coming? Unless she is self funding, the LA will usually prefer to keep someone at home with a maximum of four carer visits a day.

When was she last assessed and what do adult SS say? There's a whole process to go through if you are not self funding, you/sister/mum can't just decide a home is the best thing and it happens. AgeUK is a good source of info about the process.

olderbutwiser · 02/09/2025 23:08

If your mum is managing without carers, doesn’t have dementia, and won’t be self funding, then you are a very long way from the council funding residential care for her.

HeddaGarbled · 02/09/2025 23:19

Ah, OK, if she would be reliant on social services funding, this isn’t going to be a decision that you, your sister or you mum get to make. Social services will only fund it when it becomes really imperative and they will try everything to keep her at home because a few short daily visits from carers is massively cheaper than full time care in a home.

yeesh · 03/09/2025 12:55

If she is managing without carers then it is very unlikely SS would fund a care home. It is the very last resort for them as the costs are so high. If you think your mum needs more support then you can ask for a care assessment to see if she is eligible for care.

Jk987 · 03/09/2025 13:08

What about sheltered accommodation where she has her own flat with a warden and emergency buzzer?

Spirallingdownwards · 03/09/2025 13:15

The reality is however you can't force your sister to physically help if she doesn't want to. You seem to be complaining she doesn't help but then complaining you don't like her suggested solution. If you don't want your mum to go into a home and your mum doesn't want to as unfair ad it may be if she doesn't want to help then you need a solution that doesn't involve her.

AnnaMagnani · 03/09/2025 13:26

If you are relying on Social Services to fund this, then your sister can't just put your mum in a home.

It will be down to Social Services to do a care assessment and they will definitely not be funding anything your mum doesn't need. And your mum needs to agree.

It reads as if your mum doesn't even have carers yet so she is a long way from a care home.

jessycake · 03/09/2025 13:28

Just saying , just deciding to go in a home isn’t that simple unless you are self funding . The threshold for getting a care home place is high and it could be a fair way out of your area and often they are requiring improvement . The route would be assessment , carers and often only a care home after a crisis where she would get an emergency placement until they could find her a permanent place .

TalulahJP · 03/09/2025 13:45

Get social work services involved. They can assess and make recommendations. It’s cheaper to keep her at home with carers a few times a day so they will err that side.

Lightuptheroom · 03/09/2025 13:46

Your sister can wish all she wants . Local authorities won't fund residential care until a person has either higher needs than can be met by 4 care visits a day or if a person suddenly loses the ability to cope independently after a hospital stay for example. Neither you or your sister has any authority to make that decision as your mum still has capacity over the decision of where she wants to live. Most local authorities actually have a published mandate to keep elderly people in their own homes as long as possible and cared for by the least restrictive means to that person
So, best to politely inform your sister that your mum wouldn't meet the threshold for residential care but you can both request a care assessment from the local authority to make sure her needs are actually being met (your sister doesn't have to want to visit more etc she can advocate for your mum to have the correct level of care for her needs)

TalulahJP · 03/09/2025 13:46

Oh and get citizens advice to do a benefits check on her.

Original poster
CarerforMum · 03/09/2025 20:59

olderbutwiser · 02/09/2025 23:08

If your mum is managing without carers, doesn’t have dementia, and won’t be self funding, then you are a very long way from the council funding residential care for her.

This is what I keep saying! Sister works in healthcare and keeps telling me she can do it, she'll go to Dr etc. But Mum has no carers, no dementia though definitely confused at times and no SS involvment at this time.
I have suggested SS but all she'd agree to was OT coming out to assess her house and put in grab rails etc. She has help with a lovely cleaner whose kindly agreed to help more and do 2 days a week.
Thats all been me sitting with mum and gently suggesting what shes comfortable with in her home. Sister does NOT want to get involved further than once every 2 weeks so I'm honestly not sure why she's going in and ordering mum about and demanding to use POA to put her in a home. The local care homes are full, my friends mum had to wait nearly a year in hospital before finally getting a place.

Age UK, CAB are great calls thank you. I will suggest SS to Mum again but I have to respect her wishes. I genuinely just want the best for mum. its hard seeing her struggle and so skinny, it really is.
Thanks for your advice and suggestions, I will be following those up.

OP posts:
MyElatedUmberFinch · 03/09/2025 21:05

Firstly good for your sister for putting firm boundaries in place for what she is willing to do, I wish I had. Secondly please don’t take on too much OP, you will end up with no life.

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