My father’s erratic and abusive behaviour

[Worriedaboutmum2]

My parents are in their late 70s and over the last few years there have been changes in my father, which have accelerated recently. A few examples:

• increasingly anxious and obsessive about small administrative things (eg travel bookings)
• endless monologues - often about his past achievements and ‘triumphs’ over others in various confrontations. These can go on for hours!
• slow, ponderous speech sometimes slightly slurred
• rude behaviour in public - eg to serving staff in restaurants

however the thing I am most concerned about is his increasingly abusive behaviour towards me and my mother. He will go on at DM for hours at a time - calling her names, belittling her, demanding she does as he says. He is similarly abusive to me, and DH will no longer speak to him.

when I tried to stand up for myself recently (after years of humouring him), he shouted that I was a ‘stupid woman’ because I had ‘talked myself out of a million pounds’ i.e. he would immediately disinherit me. Since then he has been on at DM - trying to make her ‘choose a side’ and agree to change her part of the joint will to leave me nothing. He has started financially threatening her to get his way on this including threatening to take away her access to joint money (setting her up a sole account with a small allowance). Yesterday, he emptied her purse of cash and refused to let her use a pencil as it was bought with ‘my money’.

He has told her that if she didn’t do as he says or if she argues with him or speaks in a disrespectful tone of voice that he will throw her out and she would have to ‘live in poverty’. Of course, he can’t do that (she has a right to a 50% share of the marital assets, including their home, which is in joint names etc) - but he repeatedly claims that there are ‘ways around’.

He has always been a difficult person and volatile, but never anything like this.

How can I help DM? I would like her to leave him tbh (can’t believe I’m writing that!). But obviously this has to be her decision and I don’t want to add to the pressure she is under. Also - how can I manage the situation with my father? I think he needs help too. Can I write to his gp and try to get him assessed (he’s always over there for one physical ailment or other)? Would the gp divulge that the letter came from me? I believe that his behaviour towards DM amounts to coercive control. Is there any way of involving social services or similar to protect her?

OP that is just wild. Could it be the start of dementia, I would def ring social services and see how they could support your mother.

I agree, financial abuse

It does sound like the early stages of dementia, sadly. Have they set up wills and lasting powers of attorney, do you know?

Oh I'm so sorry, that's very hard. My thought is dementia too. I would phone his gp and talk to them, say what you've said here. They won't be able to tell you anything. But you can talk to them. Explain your concerns that you need their discretion in protecting you from abuse if he found out you'd spoken to them. They can then contact your Dad to invite him to come in for a "checkup" or "review".

Also phone social services and explain the situation

Also take your mum to her bank and ask to speak to someone there about financial abuse. Banks have services in place to protect people from being abused in this way by their loved ones.

can you offer your mum sanctuary without pressurising her to leave?
what does she say/do in response?
could he be drinking?

Thank you all so much! This is so helpful. To answer a few questions - yes - I can offer my Mum sanctuary, and my sister and I have the means to set her up in a flat with financial support immediately until her own money is sorted out (my parents have plenty of money between them, even without selling their house). The issue is whether Mum is emotionally ready to take that sort of step. She tends to minimise his behaviour (‘he’s just a grumpy old man’, ‘you know what he’s like - he’ll calm down’…). She is a very strong and calm person, and she responds to the abuse by trying to reason with him or pacify him. Mainly she just gets on with her own activities and leaves him to it.

I don’t think my Dad is drinking other than with the evening meal - he has never been a big drinker and they don’t have anything other than wine in the house. I had thought about dementia but the behavioural changes didn’t seem to quite fit. However, obviously this is a diagnosis that needs to be properly considered by the GP. I will write to her on Monday and see what can be done (this must be a common issue!)

from a practical standpoint, my sister and I have lasting power of attorney and I live nearby. I hadn’t thought of contacting the bank, so I will do that on Monday. They have a financial abuse helpline (thank you mumsnet - I hadn’t heard of ‘financial abuse’ before so didn’t know to Google it). I am not sure what the lasting power of attorney lets me do, but I’m sure I can get a note added to their accounts to flag up and delay big changes such as large cash transfers overseas initiated by my Dad. I will also try to take Mum to see the financial advisor so that she and I understand the financial position better.

Could this be frontotemporal dementia?

Frontotemporal dementia - NHS

I'm sorry OP, whatever the cause, it sounds like an extremely difficult situation for your family.

Dementia presents in many different ways. Sadly, I think this is dementia @Worriedaboutmum2 . There will be help from social services and through your GP. You could also try Age UK, they have a helpline.

Thanks everyone both for the practical and medical info, and for the empathy. It means a lot that strangers on the internet bothered to write some kind words.

The update is that I have had a long conversation with my sister and we are going to do all of this (bank, gp/social services etc) together and involve Mum as little as possible in the initial stages. I’ll let the professionals deal with my father in the first instance. I don’t want to abandon him, and once safeguards are in place for Mum, I’ll resume contact with him and simply back off from any interactions that are abusive.

That sounds like a good plan. Sending love and strength to you and your sister. 💐

Try " Hourglass" for resources and extra info. https://www.wearehourglass.org/

Unfortunately so many perpetrators of domestic abuse are just as vulnerable and often suffering from age related neurological decline. I work in this area.

Sounds like you are on top of it. Don't hesitate to involve DA services though and it might be, that your mum will never be emotionally ready to leave .but there's lots you can do to keep her safe whatever path she chooses.

Good luck.

Police? Forewarning them of course, but for men of his generation a telling off from a copper may resonate. Not to proceed to prosecution necessarily, but financial abuse is now a crime and your father will not realise. Has to be a man, because I suspect sexism at play here too.

Thank you all. So far the financial abuse is just a threat so the police probably wouldn’t be interested (interestingly DH also said that I should call the police).

the update is that I have sent a letter to the GP detailing my father’s behaviour and the concerns I have for my mother. I asked the GP to refer her to specialist a domestic abuse service and offered to pass on any information if they sent it to me (Dad opens all the post and has access to her phone). I also rang the bank and there isn’t much they can do without lasting power of attorney registered with them. I have lpa and they talked me through the process of registering it.

I saw Mum today and she has decided that she wants to take control of her own finances. For the first time she realises that she that she has her own resources (including two substantial inheritances).
I think that this is a huge step. Honestly, I am in awe of her strength

I will go through all of the resources that you kind pps have pointed me to and pass them on to my mum and sister. Thank you.