My mom is terminally ill I live abroad

[Smoni]

Hi, my mom is terminally ill. She lives in Europe and I live in the US. I've been with her for 5 weeks during the summer and a few days after we left she had to go to the hospital. We are still waiting for more infos on her prognosis but it's been really really hard not to be able to connect with her and not knowing what to do. My kids are starting school next week and I want to be there for them, at the same time I want to help my mom during this difficult time. She has a support system in Europe but I still would like to be there for her, when her time comes. Any people in a similar situation?

I think some of your answer depends on the nature of the relationship with your mum. We were very close but lived on opposite sides of the world so I was very much in the "want to spend as much time with her as I possibly can" camp. And I wanted my elementary aged children to be able to make as many memories with her as they could before she was gone.

She wasn't even 60 when she was diagnosed and the prognosis was not clear enough initially to know if we had months or years. Once it became clear that it was only months at best, we dropped everything and moved there to maximize our time together. Truthfully I wish we had gone sooner as we only got about 4 months with her and my then-4-year-old's memories of her are hazy at best now.

If that's not the kind of relationship you and your family have with your mum, and you just want to be with her when the time comes, I would suggest start making a plan now of who's going to look after the children while you're with your mum - school drops offs and pickups, after-school activities and clubs etc. If we had gone that route we had friends and family who would have stepped in to fill the gaps (they had already been doing it while I was going back and forth to be there for things like exploratory surgery and starting chemo). Your children starting school is important, but you have a lifetime together with your children, and only a limited time left with your mum.

Thank you for your quick reply. Unfortunately, moving there is not an option because of my children's school. I can only go for a week at a time because my husband travels for work and we don't have any help otherwise.
Luckily, we've been spending summers and Christmases with her but still there never seems to be enough time and I really do want to be there for her when the end is near. It's just so hard to be away 😢 It's good to hear from people in the same position.

Ah, that is difficult. I'm thankfully for modern technology, even when we couldn't be there we used things like Zoom and FaceTime and WhatsApp video so we could at least see each other to talk. My kids enjoyed using the Marco Polo app to make videos for my mum and she would make videos for them back. It's an easy way to capture memories when you're far away.

Yes, that's the hardest part about living away. My mom is not good with Apps on her phone, unfortunately, that makes it even harder. I have to rely on people calling me when they are with her.

Thank you for your answer! I am happy that you got to spend 4 more months with your mom. Even though your 4 year olds memories are blurry, for your mom it was such a big blessing I am sure!

I've been flying back and forth from the USA to Germany and it's taking a toll on me and our family life. I want to be with my mom but I also want to be there for the kids with first days of school, sports events, etc. Taking them out of school for an extended amount of time is not possible right now.

I think this must be very hard but you have spent a lot of time with her recently and I am sure that she realises that you are far away and she will want her GC to have you with them as well. It might be that you can do no more right now. It must be so exhausting for you. If your relationship is good then she knows you love her.

You’ll have to accept you can’t physically be there with your mum at the moment, if you need to be in the US with your kids. Which is fair enough.
You have visited, will visit again when you can, and keep in touch over the phone.
That’s all you’re able to do given the location difference. It’s only yourself that you need to make peace with about it.

First of all, do you know the prognosis and what the progression of Mom's illness is? Terminal diagnoses these days often mean that the illness can't be cured but it may not mean an imminent demise. I don't know, but knowing a rough estimate will help you plan more efficiently for yourself and your family.

Would you have the resources to hire a nanny/full time carer for the kids to cover extended trips, or would you not like to do that. I was just thinking that if you go for say 3 weeks or so, then you could have bigger gaps at smaller expense (fewer flights) - if you understand me. The kids school may be able to recommend someone qualified for childminding, bringing to school etc.

I am sorry for your predicament and your mom's illness. You can only do so much, so do the best you can.

I think you need to have a frank chat with her doctor / nurse or the person who is doing day to day care. Keep in touch with them regularly ( most days), even if it’s just a text asking how she is today.

And make them realise that you can come for a week when the time comes. Difficult to judge I know, but there is no point coming next week if her health professionals think she’s looking at 6-8 weeks.

This is obviously the worse case scenario when living in another country to your parents.

I’m in a similar situation but with the added complication that my Mum lives in Spain whereas I am UK citizen and resident.

She lives alone and has just been diagnosed with advanced breast cancer. It is at least stage 3, still having tests to see if has spread further. She will need several rounds of chemo to shrink the tumours before having a mastectomy. Then further rounds of chemo and who knows how it will progress.

I want to be there to care for her through whatever the future brings. DH has no problem with me spending as much time with her as needed and both DC are adults. Work are very supportive and happy for me to work remotely from her home as much as I need to. I WFH 3 days a week normally. So I shouldn’t have any worries with spending as much time with her as needed. Unfortunately EU immigration rules for UK citizens post Brexit throw a big spanner in the works. I can only be in Spain for 90 days out of each rolling 180 day period. If I overstay I face deportation, arrest and fine, and a possible permanent ban from entering the country. No compassionate exemptions.

The only alternative is to apply for a resident visa. However, most of the available options are for people intending to be permanently resident. The only available option that may work is to get a one year digital nomad visa which allows foreign nationals working for a foreign company to work remotely from Spain. Very expensive and must take out private health insurance. I’m going for this option with my fingers crossed as without it I face not being able to be with my DM in her final days as I’m not allowed in the country.

Ah Brexit, the gift that keeps on giving.

I was in a similar situation and many people in my social circle have been too. It is very hard, and the guilt is all consuming - you feel guilty that you are not with your parents or you feel guilty that you are not with your children. It is draining, but you do what you realistically can and accept/arrange for whatever help you can get.

In my case it was shorter flight time, and my parents relied on me greately for many practical things, but so many can be arranged over internet/phone.
I tended to fly in regularly, but timing the flights to most important appointments/procedures or when things got more difficult and practical help was needed. Many doctors were happy with me being on the video call for minor appointments. I did spend all school holidays, days off and any days off school there though. Depending on you job, you may be allowed to work remotely.

Practical arrangements will depend on the prognosis - it might be terminal but not imminent, so you might have some time to plan for the time when you really need to be there and have a few shorter visits in between. I used to buy the very cheapest tickets with ryanair or similar (being prepared to loose it if I needed to change the travel date), and also had a flexible ticket ready, but this might be difficult for you due to distance and tickets cost.

The situation does take over everything else in your life but it will come to an end. I am still recovering from it mentally, but we do what we can and accept that it is impossible to be in multiple places at once. If the kids are really very young and a few weeks out of school won't have consequences (and learning wise in early years it won't), it might be possible to spend some time there together if you have a support network there and they have someone to look after them. I did not want to bring my youngest in the last few weeks, it is so hard for an adult so I did not want the last memory of them to be like that.

Thank you for all the advice, understanding and comfort. It's good to know that I am not alone in this situation.

Most of my support system is in Germany and I feel very alone her over here. I have an awesome friend who is a flight attendant already booking herself on "my" flight route. That is calming.

It's been a while, mainly because we had to figure out hospice care and traveling arrangements. I decided to stay in the US for the beginning of the school year and will travel to Germany in October. I talk to my mom daily and I can see changes due to the brain tumors but so far she can still talk, walk, eat and recognizes me, which I am grateful for.
It is a very sad situation and it's hard to imagine a life without my mom - at the same time I don't want her to suffer or he in pain.

Thank you so much for your reply. It helps to know that I am not alone in this.

Thank you for your reply. That sounds like a tricky situation with the visas. I am glad you have the support of your DH and your kids are adults - that helps ... as well as such a flexible job. I hope you can get the visa situation figured out.

It is very hard and physically and mentally exhausting. I wish I lived closer but I'll have to work with what I have and what I can do. My mom knows I love her and we talk every day. It's good to know that I can help her just by talking to her every day. Thank you so much for your reply!

Thank you for your reply! I agree. I am planning on going to see her in October and then again for Christmas - if God willing she'll be still with us then.

Thank you again everybody for your messages here. My mom passed away shortly before Christmas. I could visit her for a couple weeks in October, talk to her every day on the phone when I was in the USA and then again spend one more week with her in December. It was very hard to be so far away but I could only do so much and she valued every second we could spend together. There will never be enough time and this will take a long time to process - for now I will be grateful for the time I could spend with her.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. But I'm glad you were able to see her in person. My thoughts are with you, grief is not a phase or a stage that passes (at lest not in my experience), but the pain won't always be as sharp as it feels now.

I'm so sorry but glad you got to spend some more time with her.