Dealing with the negativity

[Orangesandlemons77]

Has anyone else find their elderly relatives becoming increasingly negative? I guess it's understandable, their circle might be dwindling, health problems etc and they can get isolated- but sometimes it can be hard when they don't seem to want to change anything and just moan about it.

I'm struggling with my MIL atm. I don't feel I can share much with her as with anything positive she will say something negative about it, and with anything negative she will go on and on about it, making it worse in a way, or give uncalled for advice and opinions which are usually quite black and white / unhelpful.

I see her twice a week, take her out for some shopping and coffee, which is fine but I guess just sticking to ransom topics like the weather and music etc is the way forward! It gets quite boring though and stressful always having to remember not to mention stuff.

She likes to talk about her friends and all their problems, but it can be a bit boring as well as being a bit intrusive and gossipy.

I find it easier doing activities for example sometimes we go to a concert for music or look in some shops so talking is needed less.

I have just come away from a conversation in which I mentioned I had had a £75 food shopping voucher but got told that 'someone else could have needed that' well we probably need it too as a low income household! I ended up feeling guilty.

I also once made the mistake of showing her a new app my GP had recommended for health and was told she 'thought it was terrible my GP spend time doing that when ill people needed to speak to them'

Is it about them making others feel bad so they feel better perhaps? She has been worse since her husband died but that was a few years ago now.

Oh god yes, turning into a miserable old sod seems to be part and parcel of the ageing process, along with becoming physically dilapidated. It seems to be inevitable, although I'm not sure how much it depends on whether someone had a negative worldview in the first place... or if happiness sort of evaporates over the years. I've seen this a lot with my parents. It worries me because I'm quite a bit older than DH and don't want to go the same way. I think he'd have the sense to push me over a cliff though!

MIL was definitely like this to start with but it seems to be getting worse unfortunately.

It’s awful and it’s NOT universal. I am often very rude about my dear departed dad (RIP) who had many faults, but he was not like this. It sometimes sounded a bit forced but he made every effort to be cheerful or at least energetically involved in events of the day. It helped that he loved newspapers above all else so remained interested in the world at large.

I think an incredulous laugh can help when elders say daft things like that comment about the GP. Being negative can be a habit. Give her a copy of ‘Pollyanna’ for Christmas.

Best not to judge too harshly, you might be the same when you're older. It's not easy getting towards the end of life.

There are two issues - the topics you discuss and your emotional reactions.

Stop bringing up things you don't want to discuss. Talk about things she likes - TV, music, her garden, what she had for tea - doesn't matter but try asking questions instead of expressing jolly opinions and offering new topics.

And your reactions - feeling guilty etc. - try to work on this.

You sound a kind person @Orangesandlemons77 to bother with your MIL. Not at all usual on MN! I can only agree with PP just keep to subjects she likes to discuss. It won’t be easy for you. I do however think negativity is an inbuilt character trait that maybe comes more to the fore as people age. I don’t think all old people automatically become negative and miserable. My late DM, DF and DFIL were always positive and cheerful into old age. Even when my DF was terminally ill he remained as cheerful as possible. My late MIL was a miserable negative person her whole life. My DS much as I love him dearly has always had a slightly negative outlook on life since childhood. He is a young man. I try to be as positive as is possible in my old age. I might not always succeed!

I don’t think it’s universal, but it does seem to be quite common! The ones I knew/know who weren’t or aren’t lile
that are people who were both positive and interested in others earlier in their lives. So mixed with a range of people of different ages, had active lives and knew people in a variety of ways. Several of them didn’t have children of their own, maybe that’s related as they didn’t have a captive audience and had to work to maintain relationships?

I can see why the others are getting more negative though. Their circle is dwindling as they’re all ageing. Some have stopped driving so it’s harder to do things. They all have various health complaints so a lot of the conversation is about those!

I can totally relate to this @Orangesandlemons77! My mum has a variety of negative hobbyhorses that she gets on and it I find it really trying having to listen/sympathise.

Supposed difficulties getting a GP appointment is one thing she moans about, even though I organise that for her using the GP’s app and she has never had to wait more than two days!

Another one is the supposed inability to sort out her gas bill arrangements, but again I have taken this over for her on the British Gas app and have it all sorted now via direct debit on a cheaper rate than before.

So the truth is that some of these moans are not even valid, they are now just a knee jerk reaction. I try to just nod/smile and make sounds of vague agreement if these things come up, but most importantly I never bring these topics up myself!

I totally sympathise with you though as it is really frustrating and draining.

I think if you keep this up, you risk your own mental health. It's not just that she is being negative, but she seems to almost punish you by saying some of the things you described, when here you are, giving up your time.

I'm sorry, but after too much of that, I couldn't do it anymore and I'd have to majorly limit the time I spent with her. She isn't going to change and maybe you'd be doing her a favor by drawing attention to how she makes you feel. Next time she tries to guilt-trip you or make you out to be less important than others, I think I would say something like, "You don't seem to enjoy my company. Why don't I plan on visiting once a month instead?" Or "I don't get the impression you're on my side, but I've been trying very hard to support you with these visits. Why don't I give you some space and reach out in a few weeks?"

You're a saint, but you shouldn't have to be a martyr.

If this is your MIL, maybe it's time for you DH to take over the visits for a while. (Or forever.)

Yes I do have depression actually and think it might make it worse and need to keep an eye on that. I'm NC with my own mother so there's that as well.

I notice that with MIL her daughter seems to limit time with her maybe this is why

This is a really relevant update, there's a lot going on here.

Where is your husband in all this? It might be best to visit together so he is able to support you. Does he also visit alone?

I find zoning out helps, playing bingo on favourite subjects, limiting time and mentally readjusting my halo when I snap.

Lastly I try and see it as a useful guide on how not to behave with my daughter as I age.

Of course it isn’t inevitable! I’ve known plenty of older people who were wonderfully cheerful and positive.

Oh, that's reassuring. Maybe I will be the first in my family! 🌞

Yes, my (dead) next door neighbours house will never sell if I don’t sort out the (minimal) weeds in my garden. Nothing to do with the fact that it’s overpriced, has no central heating, the only bathroom is down some treacherous stairs and needs a fortune spent on it. It’s definitely my few weeds! 🙄

I would drop the visit to once a week or once and another planned trip once in a while. It can really drag you down if the person you are with is endlessly negative and you need to look after yourself as well.

My sister and I do a day each at mams. Its tiring being so negative. Some days Im glad to get back in my car. My cousin went back work fast said elder aunt was very demanding. Its draining at times)

We had a coffeee today and there was another lady there which made it a bit better, I think getting out and about helps as you can chat about stuff going on. Staying in is a bit worse as no escape!

I noticed sometimes when MIL started up with the 'it's a shame' or whatever the other lady said something like 'yes, but' so that was helpful! less hard work.