DM said she sees no point in being alive anymore

[Jumpeduppantry]

Just putting this here as it’s playing on my mind. Very elderly (90s) DM is frail and always tired and short of breath, and balance not great. Lives in very supported accommodation which has worked well for her for last 10 years. She has no major diagnoses just old age / frailty.
Anyhow, yesterday for first time she said that there’s no point being alive anymore. She’s never expressed this before. She’s always been a very logical, unsentimental and pessimistic person with a strong tendency to assume the worst, get anxious about everything. Visiting her is very draining and depressing.
Im just struggling with how to process her statement as it’s obviously not a situation that i can solve. I’ve always been the positive one, cajoling her into taking a less negative view or doing things to distract herself otherwise she will sit in silence and dwell on things. Its just exhausting.
I don’t know what I want from this post but I just needed to put into words somehow. I just acknowledged that it’s how she feels and didn’t try to discuss it. To be honest I think in her situation I’d feel the same.

You did the best possible thing by acknowledging how she feels. It would be a relief to her if you allowed her to talk more about it. This might be hard for you, both because she's your mum and you've taken on a role of cheering her up, but it really is the right thing to do. Imagine if you felt so strongly about something this important and people around you kept telling you you are wrong to feel that way. Good luck.

This is why euthanasia should be legal. She is old, frail, ill, struggling and very aware of how much of a burden she is becoming. Keeping her alive for the next few years just because that’s what is done even when she has expressed she’s done her time and isn’t happy anymore feels wrong.
Shes in her 90’s, undoubtedly has had a very fulfilling and busy life and knows she’s just got to deteriorate until she finally passes, possibly from an illness or in a hospital bed at any time.
Who actually wants to get old like this?

I think you responded exactly correctly by letting her tell her truth and not minimising or trying to jolly her out of it in any way.
If she is up to outings is it worth asking her if there is anything she would like to see or do that would be possible for you to make happen?

It is not uncommon for a person to have those thoughts when over the age of 90.

Good that you acknowledged her feelings. Let her take the lead, if she wants to talk about it some more.

I wish you and your mother all the best.

My DM repeatedly said similar for the last four or five years of her life. To start with I tried to jolly her out of it a bit, but by the last year or so, it was hard to disagree that objectively her life was increasingly limited and painful, she had lost two of the people she loved most, had to leave the home she never wanted to leave etc, so I could only sympathise and try to make small improvements as much as I could. But it is hard to cope with when it is unrelenting.

Of course, older people can suffer from depression (on top of everything else), and might be helped by medication - is this something you think is worth exploring with her and her GP? Or is her life just horrible and depressing no matter how you look at it?

My mother, 92, is also saying things like this occasionally.

She’s just more than ready to go (and has never been a patient person in the first place).

My grandmother (who died at 94 and was in generally in good health, lived independently up until her death, no carers) used to say she thought she should have died in her late 70s. It made me feel quite negative about old age, in some ways.

But also it was fair enough that she felt like that, it was true for her.

I think you did really well to acknowledge it. It must be super hard though. Look after yourself too.

I can imagine feeling like that!

It's so tough on you. Will she just be negative if you ask what you can do to help her?

My DM says things like this regularly. I think it's perfectly reasonable on her part as she is frail and can't do a lot of the things she enjoys.

Obviously I will be very upset when she dies, but I think it's OK for someone to be ready to die when they have reached a significant age and can look back on their long life.

My mother began saying this two months before she died. She actually asked for a pill to hasten her demise, but was of course refused. She was told that she was within her rights to stop taking the plethora of heart meds that were keeping her alive, which she promptly did. Nonetheless, she lasted longer than we were expecting (and certainly much longer than she’d hoped).

As you’ve quite rightly realised, only your mother could say whether her life had any value. With my mother, our instincts were to say “Oh come on Mummy”… but her care team set us straight quite quickly.

Sending you courage

For any other animal we'd allow them to be put to sleep if they were this old and their quality of life was this miserable/low. It's so sad that this isn't an option if she'd want it. Forcing people to live in misery because euthanasia makes some people feel uncomfortable is so selfish. I'm sorry you're having to go through this OP, it must really take its toll on you too.

My parents both reached the point where they felt ‘done’. They were both sensible, generally positive people, but they’d had long lives and didn’t want to linger. DM got pneumonia, which she’d long referred to as ‘the old man’s friend’, declined treatment for it and died reasonably peacefully shortly thereafter. DF somewhat similar. In both cases it’s what they would have called ‘a blessed release’. I consider myself very fortunate to have had parents who didn’t get beyond the point of having the ‘will to die’, as it were.

My grandmother says this too. Like your mother she's frail and breathless. She has fallen a few times in the past couple of years meaning stays in hospital. She can be quite negative and it's a lot for my mum.

My grandmother still stays at home and refuses carers though I'm not sure how much long she can go on like this. Her parents died young (in their 50s) and her brother was in his 60s when he passed. My grandad has been dead for over 20 years and she can't quite believe she's still alive. It must be hard when you've no independence and your friends have gone. I've no words of wisdom here but I can sympathise and I know it's mentally draining for my mum.

All 90+ year olds that I have know (there’s been a few) said this. I think that just comes a point that you know you’re done, and you’re literally waiting to die.

My elderly said this frequently. Hard to disagree when you’re late 90’s, have outlived all your 8 siblings and their spouses and numerous nieces and nephews.
”I’ve lived too long” was a frequent lament. But I’m not sure they’d have taken assisted dying even if it’d been available…

Thanks everyone. It’s so hard to hear your parent say this even though it’s a perfectly reasonable thing to say. Very old age is a privilege and a curse.

Somehow I can picture my 90 year old mother slipping towards this. She hasn't yet, or not to my knowledge anyway.

My Dad, her husband of 63 years, died 4 years ago. I know she misses him terribly although she always puts on a brave face when I am visiting. She has poor mobility, can no longer drive due to medical and eyesight issues, needs help getting out and my sister or I push her round the town/supermarket in her wheelchair. She was an only child too so never any siblings and many of her long term friends have now predeceased her.

She can no longer do any of her former hobbies of reading and sewing because she simply can't see well enough. She lives on her own in the bungalow that she and my Dad bought well over 50 years ago (I grew up in that house). She has carers in three times a day to get her up and prepare her food.

So, I don't think I would be surprised if she were to start speaking in this way.

I think you are right to just acknowledge your mother's feelings. Trying to jolly her out of it could be construed as simply not understanding how she feels, or dismissing it. Acknowledge and understand her as you have done. You can still go on some outings together (cafés, a walk, a drive, a nice pub etc.) and be companionable with each other.

I have worked at Senior Level care posts for years and years. The statement your DM has made, I have heard countless times. They know their lives will be below their usual standard and expectations and are acutely aware of this, and are becoming a burden. Talk it through with her, acknowledge her feelings and maybe you will both feel a bit stronger to face the inevitable decline which will continue. She's done really well to get to her 90s (my own gran is 92) and produced you, a caring, concerned daughter with only the best in mind towards your DM
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My grandmother died at 97 after ten years in a care home. She often said she’d lived too long. Tbh she is one of the many declines I’ve witnessed that inspired my Advanced Refusal of Treatment. Though I have only partial hope that it will really make a difference. They’re not going to like it because it kicks in properly when I’m 60.

totally agree with this . Who wants to be so elderly that all normal cognitive and physical traits are gone and you live your last few months / years as a shell of a person . I don’t understand why we’re so against a discussion about this. I’d love to be able to check out after a good life once my bum needs wiping.

Very common I'm afraid. (And breathlessness is particularly shit).
Not much you can do. Give her a hug and say you're sorry it's so rubbish?

Mil expressed this to her gardener, who in turn told me, he felt very burdened by her honesty - and I could see her point - she doesn't have a life worth living - if it were me I'd feel the same and I feel very anxious that in her position I'd have no control over it except to refuse medication.

From her perspective she is probably correct. But there really isn't anything you can do as it is the nature of life. My mother I think is in a very similar situation. Very old age is a difficult time of life.

This thread is so touching, not just for the subject but for the love and compassion all the posters have for their elderly relatives.

It's easy to see how when you are very elderly, unwell, tired and not able to enjoy the things that have made life a pleasure that you could just want to slip away. My grandmother lived life to the full well into her nineties but after a short sharp illness she said one night that she would like Jesus to come and take her. She had great faith (which I don't) but I was so grateful for her that he did come for her that night.

Your mum is very lucky to have such a loving daughter OP.

Sympathy, OP. DM was in a nursing home wanting to die for 7 years and it was hell. DF died after only a year of steeply declining abilities, at 95. He died in his sleep, peacefully, with no major pain or illness.
I felt guilty for being happy at the way he went.