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Elderly parents

Can Alzheimers look like this?

12 replies

TommehTenNamesIsAWanker · 17/08/2025 21:02

Posting here rather than on the Alzheimers/dementia board as there’s more traffic here.

MIL has literally just had a diagnosis of Alzheimers and vascular dementia. She’s 85, has all sorts of health issues, and nobody’s surprised at this diagnosis given how confused (also seeing dead people) she’s been over the past few months. I actually posted on here about it a while ago. In the wake of MIL’s diagnosis I started looking at information about how Alzheimers manifests itself, and as I was doing so, I started to think - actually, this is MY mum, not just MIL. :-(

My mum is 90. Her memory has been getting progressively worse for the last few years, and we’ve been writing it off as ’she’s 90, of course she forgets things’. However, I’ve been with her for the past 10 days while my older sister - who lives with her - has a much needed holiday. It’s really shocked me how very very much she’s declined mentally. I think you sometimes need to spend a lot of time with someone to notice it properly. Last night she was sorting through a pile of old newspapers to decide which ones to throw out - she asked me what the date was 6 times in the space of about 10 minutes. She’s so repetitive, and cycles of repeating questions are getting shorter and shorter. She can’t retain information at all - what we’re having for tea, the breed and name of my dog (she asks me every day, I tell her, then she promptly forgets). She asks me the same questions about my work every day - they’re the same answers I’ve been giving her for 20 years because that’s how long I’ve been doing my job.

Then there are other things that are really odd. She can’t walk without her frame at all and is very wobbly. I walk with her through the sitting room (where she sleeps) to the bathroom which is off the kitchen, and wait outside to walk her back to her room after she’s had a shower. She comes out the bathroom wrapped in a towel that’s just about to fall off. Every day I put her dressing gown out and tell her to put it on, because if her towel falls, not only will it traumatise the dog walker, who pops in every morning to collect the dog, but it’ll also probably result in my mum having another fall trying save her modesty if it comes off. Every day she puts the towel on instead and ignores her dressing gown.

Then there’s the horrible dog behaviour. Like a lot of old people she has a beloved dog who never leaves her side. She CONSTANTLY feeds this dog - poking food into its mouth, letting it slurp the sugary tea from the bottom of her tea cup, letting it lick the dregs of her cereal after breakfast - just constantly feeding it off her plate, her cutlery and her cup. It makes me heave. The dog has absolutely rotten teeth and hideous breath.

I don’t know why I’ve witnessed these behaviours for quite a while and not questioned if this is dementia. The thing is that sometimes she’s quite sharp - she wants to talk about what’s going on in the world, loves James O Brian, hates Reform, thinks Trump is appalling. She loves looking at people when we go out, although she’s making more and more comments to me about people being fat, which drives me bonkers. It’s so mean!

She also wakes up every morning and is so, so depressed. Every morning she tells me she’s just about to die, but by lunchtime she’ll be enjoying a latte and a slice of cake in M&S cafe, while making a nasty comment about some women’s thighs in cycling shorts.

Sorry - long post! Can Alzheimers look like this?

OP posts:
Thingamebobwotsit · 17/08/2025 21:06

Yes. But it could be any other type of dementia. Haver either you or your sister spoken to the GP about your suspicions?

The reality is, though, given your DMs age, regardless of diagnosis, you need to be discussing how you will manage her increasing health needs which are all part and parcel of ageing. And get LPAs in place if you don't already have them.

Beachtastic · 17/08/2025 21:10

I don't know, OP, because I've never dealt with Alzheimer's. But very old age can also look like this. My DM is in her 90s and does a similar caper with the towel. At that age, they are VERY set in their ways and will do things the way they've always done them. To some extent, I think they rely on a routine to keep them on track mentally.

The memory difficulties might be what we used to call "senile dementia" as a catch-all term for that sort of thing. My DM has a similar mix of odd forgetfulness and acute attention. Maybe it's partly down to what interests her. I must admit that I don't always know what day it is because it makes no difference, unless I have a specific work deadline that makes me focus on dates!

MyIvyGrows · 17/08/2025 21:10

She has a lot of similar behaviours to my gran, who is 95 and has early stage dementia. Lack of filter/rudeness, repetition and stubborn-ness. Does she have any support like care workers coming in? Might be a good idea to give your sister more of a regular break.

catofglory · 17/08/2025 21:27

Yes, this is what Alzheimers and/or other types of dementia look like. To be honest in the end it makes little difference what type of dementia it is.

Does she have enough help and support?

(I know you find the dog repulsive but I hope he is not suffering with his rotten teeth. My mother had a cat which she was besotted with, but she became unable to notice whether he had too much/not enough food, or needed veterinary attention.)

TommehTenNamesIsAWanker · 17/08/2025 21:27

Thank you everyone!

My brother and sister and I share the care. We usually come over on the 3 days a week my sister is at work, and then the odd day at weekends or evenings when my sister wants to go out.

We have LPA, and initially planned to have some carer visits when my mum came out of hospital earlier this year after falling on the stairs, but she didn’t want to have carers in. I think we’ll have to review that at some point soon.

@Beachtastic
"But very old age can also look like this. My DM is in her 90s and does a similar caper with the towel” . I just don’t get it, my mum was always very modest, and often talks about the loss of dignity she feels since becoming so disabled. Re: ‘senile dementia’ - yes, that’s what I was thinking. But then I think - how much of this is just her being old, or whether this is an actual disease,

OP posts:
Holesintheground · 17/08/2025 21:34

Get carers started ASAP. For all your sakes, not just your mum's. Your sister sounds burned out and it's a lot to do everything yourselves. Frame it for your mum as help with housework to help YOU (and siblings) because you're struggling. You can claim attendance allowance to help with this but it sounds like a care assessment is needed anyway.

TommehTenNamesIsAWanker · 17/08/2025 21:35

@catofglory

"I know you find the dog repulsive but I hope he is not suffering with his rotten teeth.”

The dog is 15 and has long been the source of horrified mirth in the family. Her breath is like a skip full of rotten mackerel. There’s one rotten tooth actually hanging out the front of her mouth by a thread.The vet won’t do anything at the moment because she's so aggressive she’d have to go under a GA to have her teeth examined/brushed/treated. And as I said - she's 15…. In fairness she doesn’t seem to be in pain (she’s always been aggressive, it’s not a new thing). Her behaviour is awful - she 'resource guards' my mum and is totally fixated on food.

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 17/08/2025 21:47

But then I think - how much of this is just her being old, or whether this is an actual disease

Sometimes we never know! it's so hard to tell...

Would echo PPs' comments about getting help in place.

Good luck!

(and the dog sounds... terrifying!!!!!)

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/08/2025 22:11

We had the endless repetition of the same questions with FiL (vascular dementia*) not quite so much with my Dm (Alzh) but she would get obsessed with something that was all in her head, and go on and ON about it for weeks or months. E.g. neighbour’s son had ‘stolen’ her garage (she’d given him permission to use it), her sister had ‘stolen’ their mother’s house. All incredibly wearing!

*I once counted 35 times, same question, in one hour!

Ladedahlia · 20/08/2025 22:18

What happens when someone is old and has these issues but no family live nearby? I am planning to move away and my mother is 88. My brother doesn’t nothing for her and my other sibling lives at the other end of the country.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 20/08/2025 22:28

The memory difficulties might be what we used to call "senile dementia" as a catch-all term for that sort of thing

Yes, it's a good thing that we've figured out that there are different kinds of dementia - although we still have no idea how to treat any of them.

@TommehTenNamesIsAWanker yes, what you describe does sound like dementia, not normal ageing.

Start looking for a nursing home now, so that you have one in mind for when it becomes necessary. It takes ages to find one you really like and is suitable in every way.

Get a diagnosis. Take your mum to the GP and get a referral.

If she isn't getting Attendance Allowance, claim it. Someone can also get Carer's Allowance, too.

I have no useful suggestions about the dog, but I bet your mum loves him. That's really helpful.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 20/08/2025 22:29

Ladedahlia · 20/08/2025 22:18

What happens when someone is old and has these issues but no family live nearby? I am planning to move away and my mother is 88. My brother doesn’t nothing for her and my other sibling lives at the other end of the country.

It might be a good idea to start your own thread. Not many people will see your post on this one.

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