Xmas Alone

[quintessentially166]

Would you leave your DM alone on Xmas day?

Would love to go away for Xmas but this would mean DM will be alone for the day. Part of me feels, do it as she always went away every year when my DD was alive when I thought perhaps it would be nice for them to spend sometime with my DS when he was a toddler but they never did, yet part of me feels guilty about even thinking about going away!

I do have a brother who never visits and barely picks up the phone to DM but feel it’s his turn to step up and care.

Conflicted feelings, should I be selfish for once or not?

You've reminded me of something my elderly DM did.

Me & siblings were trying to get dm to decide what she wanted to do for Xmas and weren't getting anywhere. She was being so non-committal that I asked her if there was somewhere else or something else she would prefer.

She glared at me and said she wished we'd all go away and leave her to watch her soaps in peace 😂

So we did. I arranged for a glorious food delivery of Christmas Eve and then we left her to it. A couple of calls (with an eye to TV scheduling and the Queens Speech) and she was happy.

I'd go for it. Have a Christmas away.

@Meadowfinch 😁

It’s true, there Is a thing of ‘how can you be so cruel to leave your elderly mother/relative alone’ but for some people it’s a few days of great telly.

And not everyone enjoys being shunted to other people’s homes, different routine, awkward loo, chair the wrong height, different brand of tea, got to put up with other people, cant see the bird feeder, cant eat when you want to, so on and so forth.

Some people would be devastated to be alone. But not everyone.

My grandmother always spent the day alone. She liked it that way.

Ask your DM.

You need to ask her what she wants to do. But no, I won’t leave an elderly parent alone on Xmas day unless they explicitly said that’s what they wanted. As for your DD, I’m sure she has a lovely Xmas with other family

It’s just o e day in the year. My DM couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about and liked us to leave her in peace by 3.00 pm

I would now. The Covid couple of years broke the pattern of having to spend it with her (and we had lovely Christmases as a result!).

I also think what PPs have said has begun, she’s finding the change of routine, different mealtimes, having to interact with other relatives (DH’s family), being away from home harder. Last year she tried to organise it so we’d go to her, but with me doing all the work. Except I was working some of the Christmas period so we needed to stay at home! She wasn’t alone in the end, spent it with a friend. I doubt she’d admit it, but I suspect she preferred it.

There is an element of choice about all of this. She could spend it with my sibling but hasn’t for years!

OP if your mum got to choose to not spend Christmas with you and your DC, then you get to choose to not spend it with her now. So many older people have been less than brilliant their whole life but then expect to turn the guilt taps on to get their own way now they’re old. If she wasn’t your mum would you choose to spend Christmas Day with her?

No, I wouldn’t. I don’t think her not spending Christmas with you in the past is comparable: you weren’t alone.

Thanks for all your comments