Aftermath of difficult caring journey

[Thursley]

Name changed for this as it feels very outing though it probably doesn't really matter.

MIL died 2 months ago after two years of growing confusion then cancer. FIL died 2 years ago with dementia then broken hip. My dad died 10 years ago, classic broken hip then deterioration, quite confused at the end. So I feel I am well aware of the realities of ageing, confusion and managing complex care needs from a different part of the country. My Mum is thankfully pretty good, though slowing down as she goes into her late 80s.

MIL wanted to go - she was desperate for assisted dying to be made legal - and we were all relieved at the end of the intense strain of trying to care for her. Which she made as difficult as possible through her infuriating, but in some ways admirable, insistence that she was just fine. I really thought the worst of it was over, and we'd grieved for the woman we loved over the last two difficult years. So I've been shocked at how very low and sad I feel now.

I keep returning to the difficult bits in my mind. I was in M&S today trying on bras and remembered the last horrendous visit to buy bras with her. I'm angry with her for being so very unreasonable and argumentative right up to the end, while also recognising that she remained true to herself and fought for every last scrap of independence.

I miss the strong relationship I had with her for 30 years, I am sad about what she became, and a bit frightened of having to go through this again - with my own mum, with other relatives or with friends. I have a good friend facing terminal cancer and I will 100% be there for her, but I just feel like it's all very bleak. I don't want to dump this on DH, who is obviously grieving his mum and doesn't need my gloom and doom at the moment.

So I thought I'd dump it here! I'm eternally grateful to the wonderful Cockroach Cafe for getting me through the worst patches, this forum has been an absolute lifeline.

I think I can relate to some of this. Mum died in the Spring. I had a difficult relationship with her. Having worked through a lot in therapy, I'm a bit surprised at how bereavement is triggering a whole new layer of grief (about what she wasn't and didn't provide for me as a child - stuff I thought I had worked through).
I'm finding the whole business of sorting through the estate remarkably emotionally draining too - which I didn't expect.

@Thursley what a great post/thread. I am conscious I keep thinking I will feel ‘relieved’ when our situation ends but I suspect the reality will be very different. As you I am eternally grateful to the kindness shown on Elderly Parents - sometimes it’s the only place to find some understanding and empathy. Will watch with interest.

Thanks @EducatingArti. Yes, I've heard that before - that when you had a difficult relationship with your own parents, death can be the final recognition that you never got what you needed from them, and it makes the grief quite complex. Good that you have had some therapy to help you work that through. I was actually thinking today, shit do I need a bit of therapy on this, but I think it will pass. It's obviously not the same as losing your own parents, it's just it's been so grim and I assumed I'd mostly feel relieved it was over but that's not how it's played out.

I love the idea of this being a space where we can be kind to each other through the grieving process

@EducatingArti honestly for all the horrors that can be the internet I think the Elderly Parents thread on here is full of absolutely fantastic people with very little malice and not least some brilliant advice and sympathy.

One of the best bits of Elderly parents thread vs therapy/counselling is sometimes I just need immediate vent time/advice - that might not be at 2 pm on a Wednesday in a therapy/counselling session.

I did feel relieved when mum first died but now everything is taken up with stressful admin, managing relationship with siblings and I'm beginning to feel the impact of other tricky and difficult things ( 2 friends- my own age - have been diagnosed with life- limiting illnesses, best friend that lived locally has moved away, Plus other changes that have the potential to be positive but are a lot right now.

I think there may be more feelings of relief once the death admin has been completed.

I'm supposed to be going away camping tomorrow but so exhausted I'm not getting ready. Having to do 30 mins of prep followed by an hour lying down ( I do have chronic fatigue)

@EducatingArti do take care of yourself. Really pleased @Thursley has started this thread as it lays open the fact that once ‘it’s all over’ doesn’t mean everything is resolved.I have a plan once my situation is all over to travel across Canada. It keeps me going. Reality is I am likely to be too old and exhausted when that time comes.

Looking at friends around me, I'm pretty sure there is peace of mind the other side of this, so try and hold onto those Canada dreams. The exhaustion might be less once the immediate demands are over too? But I know when we're in the middle of it it feels interminable.

The sibling stuff was unexpected when my dad died, just different ways of dealing with it all, lots of potential for fallout. And I seem to have a very strong anger reaction quite soon after bereavement so have to watch myself as i know I can be an utter twat if I'm not careful. We're pretty close on both sides of the family and did good teamwork for all three, but the potential for tension and misunderstandings is huge.

@BlueLegume
Thank you. I am determined to get away for a few days. I need some time in nature and some sea swims without exhausting myself!

How is everyone getting on? I did have a good time camping. Lots of swims and the weather was excellent but I need to continue with more probate admin tomorrow.

@EducatingArti great to hear you had a break and it sounds fantastic. I am assuming you are UK based so have had the lovely weather of recent times. Feeling quite autumnal where we are now but in a lovely way. Hopefully your energy is restored after the break and the admin is literally a series of tasks to be completed.

Self care is something my own parents would roll their eyes at but I have realised how important it is. I reflect on my parents having any problems to deal with and their self care was a big G&T. Frankly that does not work. Quiet, nature, reading is what calms me in dealing with the mess my parents have created/left behind. I am so determined my own kids will not have the lifetime of mess to sort out. I have done a massive Swedish Death Clean this year and am really pleased with the result. I will have so much to do when my parents die as whilst Dad is cared for in his nursing facility our mother lives in a house they have failed to maintain and is packed full of a lifetime of ‘stuff’.

Make sure you have a nice plan at the end of each task you do in the admin phase. Keep us updated. [Flowers]

It’s a strange kind of grieving, isn’t it?

After my DM died I was somewhat relieved for all of us, and exhausted. I thought I was OK, but big boss instructed me to get signed off for a fortnight. This turned out to be essential, because after I’d slept for a couple of nights I felt as though someone had metaphorically whacked me sideways with a massive croquet mallet.

The sadness, and missing her, crept up on me slowly. It’s been 3 years now, and the distance has somewhat melted away the relief, and all the frustrations the Cockroach Cafe customers know so well.

I’m now looking at old photos of the mum she used to be, before the stroke, and the many years of decline. I do miss her. Swedish Death Cleaning has been happening all year - except for boxes and boxes of mum’s (and grandma’s!!) stuff (books, china, EPNS silverware) that’s “too good” to throw away. These must be E-bayed or charity shopped, of course.

My DS must have nothing of this to do when I go. And then I’m back into the old resentment of expectations foisted upon me… Gah.

Funnily enough, I was thinking about this on a long walk the other day, so thank you for starting the thread OP 💗

My relationship with my DF was difficult for most of our lives, but became much more rewarding in the last decade or so. Then he had a fall that accelerated his cognitive decline and he ended up dying on a hideous dementia unit in a local care home.

I was abroad when they rang to say he didn't have long to live. It would have taken a couple of days to get back and I didn't go, thinking we'd already said our heartfelt goodbyes a few times and (what with the dementia and end-of-life meds) me being there probably wouldn't make any difference. I now find myself wondering if he missed my presence in his final moments, and then I tell myself this is ridiculous and self-absorbed, and then worry about it all over again.

I also find myself understanding, now that he's gone, what his vision for life was (if that makes sense) and how I, as a much-wanted daughter, fitted into that. I "see" and understand it all much more completely now than when our lives were more closely entangled, and I find myself wishing we could go through some patches again so that I could behave differently. (I do have a tendency for negative self-reflection!) I imagine conversations we could have had and fun things we could have done together. It's all daft, I know, because life is not that simple, but I still rake it over now and then.

Completely understand your wariness about how messy old age can get, OP. I'm much more afraid of the ageing/dying process than I was before witnessing it all first hand.

A sting in the tail of my Welsh holiday! I've got a letter from North Wales police saying they are going to prosecute me for speeding! I was going at 28 mph but it must have been in one of their 20mph zones.
I did try to be really careful about those but obviously not careful enough. Googling, it seems as if it is one of the most notorious places for being caught!

https://www.dailypost.co.uk/news/north-wales-news/20mph-ultra-speed-camera-thats-30125302

I've never had a speeding fine before ( been driving over 35 years).

I suspect that part of my lack of attention was stress and tiredness!

Ah bad luck @EducatingArti!

I've had 2 speeding tickets, quite far apart, just going a tiny bit over.

The second one was after they brought in the drivers awareness course as an alternative to the fine. So I chose that. The upside was I found it surprisingly interesting and informative and think about it when I drive quite often.

I don't think I'm a bad driver but it's useful to have a refresher.

Anyway, looking for a silver lining.

Coincidentally I worried I was going to get a ticket when I was driving home after my mum’s hospital admission when she'd had her stroke.

Just had a very very stressful week dealing with complicated financial admin for probate. Can't do any more now until I hear from accountant later on today.
Lots of difficult times dealing with siblings too
I am exhausted. I'm trying to have a nap but keep startling awake. Think this is just because stress levels are so high.

How is everyone else doing?