The most extreme demand from an elderly relative?

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

Dh’s old aunt wanted to visit friends in Spain. But she didn’t feel comfortable flying on her own, so she wanted Dh to accompany her - not just to the airport - all the way!

He agreed, but emphasised that because he was still working in a very demanding job, he would need to return to the U.K. immediately.

I spent an entire morning on the phone (she was present, and I should add that she had plenty of money but hated spending any of it) trying to find any airline that would allow him to return straightaway on the same plane.

She had in mind a low cost airline that she’d used before, but they couldn’t allow him to return on the same plane - maybe fully booked already,

I finally found one that would allow it, but it was considerably more expensive. ‘NO!!!’ she screeched, ‘Try X, Y airline!’
I already had!

In the end she had to pay it, but was exceedingly pissed off with us. And I was even more pissed off with a BiL who said we should have paid it ourselves, because now she’d probably cut us all out of her will!

This was ages ago, we had dds still at school, and the cost of the return flight was £500 - a lot more then than it is now.

Why the actual fuck did you both say how high when she said jump?!

MiL wanted us, DH, me and our two teenagers, to move in with her after FiL died. From the house we’d built and lived in for over a decade, with her into the house she didn’t want to move from, when we were living in a v small cottage with a growing family. We didn’t.

She then wanted us to promise to move into her house after her death. I would have considered moving in, my husband was adamant he would not. We didn’t promise to move, we promised to make the ‘best decision’ when the time came. We didn’t move

She then wanted us to promise to move into her house after her death.
FIL is obsessed with having BIL move into their house when they’re gone. BIL has repeatedly said no, he has his own life in another place, but FIL’s not having it,

My crazy, hoarder MIL actually thought that we might move into DH's childhood bedroom (along with all our belongings and our business stuff) and look after her. I gently (yes, I'm a saint) pointed out that we lived in a three bedroom house, which included our office and really couldn't do this. She then offered that we could have the other bedroom as well.....
She died late last year and it took me three months to clear the house.

MIL was severely disabled after a stroke. Non verbal, hemiplegic, incontinent and with petit mal seizures. After FIL ignored everyone's advice and took her home from the care home (10 minute walk from their house) he wanted one of his DILs to give up her job, move from her own home, husband and children and move in to look after them. Bad enough but there wasn't even a bedroom for her. He expected her to sleep in an air bed in the living room. Apparently we were all selfish bastards for saying this was a terrible idea and not going to happen.

I love the way a FIL thinks a DIL’s duty is to abandon her family to take care of people who are not even her parents. Entitled much? The problem was that FIL had taken his wife away from the care home - the family should have presented a united front to stop him from doing so - and pointed out in no uncertain terms that he would be on his own with looking after her, and good luck with the incontinence. I’m surprised he managed to move her, if she’s hemiplegic as well as her other problems. Trouble is, the person who ends up suffering in all this is his wife. I just don’t understand why he wanted her home - I can only think he was lonely and thought (selfishly) this would be a way of getting someone to look after both of them.

Above is addressed to @ countrygirl99

After FIL died MIL did not understand why DH would not give up his job, leave me and DC and move in with her, 200 miles away. On the basis he could live off her pension and I could cope better on her own than she could.
The idea of moving in with us was an abomination to her (thankfully).

MIL wanted us to find a 4 bed house with a master & en suite and let her move in with us and have the room with en suite and us pay the entire rent ourselves.
It didnt happen, we got her a council bungalow instead.
that said I ended up doing MILs end of life care, it was expected off DHs sisters that I would do it all including finding her a hospice place. That was the most extreme demand Ive ever had to do and Ill never do it again for anyone.

@ComfortFoodCafe ohI feel for you! I'm not quite in your situation... yet!
My DH has 3 sisters, 2 are living abroad and one is local, plus one local brother (yep they were busy!)
Local SIL pulled me aside a few years ago telling me that when the time comes and IL need help, I would have to step up because DH is the favourite child (that's a whole other story!) Plus she's not able to look after them because she's got grandkids to care for.... I just said we'll cross that bridge when it comes to it!
My DC were in their mid/ late teens when we had that conversation!
Cheeky cow I'm not gonna give up my work and post DC freedom for IL who never helped out with my youngest because they were to lively! Meanwhile having BIL younger children regularly after school....

Aah this makes MILs refusal.to open the post pale into insignificance. FIL dealt with all the bills so she now expects DH to deal with the bills and the money. He has for nearly 20 years. Former Deputy Headmistress.

When FIL died, many years ago, one of DH's sisters sent me an email noting that her mother would need a lot of help now she was on her own and she hoped SH and I would often visit and take care of her. WW3 nearly broke out because I wote back to remind her that I had my own mother, two children and was an only child and suggested that if she felt her mother needed significant support, she could visit from Australia more regularly than once every ten years, especially as she had no children (by choice, so it wasn't barbed). BIL wrote DH a very snotty email about his wife's unreasonableness.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER if it was Spain, why did it have to be the exact same plane they flew out on? From the major airports, planes from, say, Barcelona, Madrid and probably even Malaga, are leaving at least every hour and the turnaround is probably longer than that.

It didn’t necessarily, but given that I had to try to arrange it all, in a hurry, over the phone (this was pre internet) it seemed at the time the obvious way.
It’d be a whole lot easier now, booking online.

What's really really clear from this thread is that there is still an overwhelming expectation that women will do all caring, even if it's not their own parents, and at the expense of their own lives and careers etc. Men simply can't be expected to do any caring duty or have any impact on their big jobs (regardless of whether they have a BIG JOB or, in fact, if the women do).

The family did present a United front but that means nothing legally or practically. Once he told social services (who were paying ) that he wants her to come home that was it, they facilitated it. It wasn't what he wanted and he didn't get what he wanted, he got 4 LA funded care visits a day. But he told us social services had an emergency plan for when he was predictably ill and the told social services that family had said they would cover if he was ill. I blew that one by phoning social services to ask how the emergency plan would work after which he withdrew permission for them to talk to us

Yes and I bet that only changes really really slowly. People tend to do what their parents and wider family did. Especially reverting to that as they get older. Frustrating 🙄

My parents, (I have just posted about them wanting to move on another thread) went through a very odd phase where they would give me estate agents brochures for large houses that I and my children could live with them in. It was primarily my mother who would say things like which bedroom would you like? Bearing in mind at the time I was married and had my own house which I was perfectly happy with. It went on for ages, she even went to view some houses. It was bizarre.

Several times I was requested to give someone after to their hospital appointments

They lived about 2 miles from the hospital
I lived 250 miles from the same hospital

They did not want to pay for a taxi
They did not want to ask local family or friends

So it was myself who drove 250 miles

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This person would not move to my location

I have since relocated to their location & had to leave my job