Just having a ranty rant

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

I don't particularly need advice because my Mother won't fucking well take it on board anyway. She's just winding me up because we can all see an imminent crisis looming except for her.

Mum is 83, widowed and has resources, more money than she could possibly spend so she can have whatever type of twilight years that she wants but she needs to be thinking about what she wants and to put plans into place. But, no, she's apparently 'not at that stage yet'.

She lives in a house that she and my Dad built early in their marriage, she has a glorious garden of about half an acre and a great view because she's on the side of a hill. She never wants to move out and I am happy to support that if it's what she wants. However, she can't get anywhere without a car and it's a bastard of a road that is about a car and a half wide for most of it, so that cars need to pull into gateways to pass. I'm not thrilled about her driving at all, although there haven't been any incidents and she doesn't go out at night. She has a lovely cleaner, who was previously a carer for my deceased uncle, who goes to Mum every weekday morning. She takes Mum to the supermarket and to appointments if they are in the mornings. But she has young DC and goes with them back to her home country for a month in the summer. Mum will, deliberately, not tell us when she goes away because we will fuss (ie check up on her more frequently).

So now, today, there is a mini crisis. The type of thing that I told her would happen and that she needs to plan for. She had to have a minor eye operation, she only told me about it last week. Her lovely cleaner is away and not back until the end of August. I dropped her into the hospital, went up to the house to let the puppy (that we told her not to get because she really can't properly care for him) out for a wee, picked her up from hospital, got her prescription and some painkillers and care items. She's not allowed to drive until after the follow up appointment in two weeks. AND YET APPPARENTLY SHE DOESN'T NEED ANYBODY'S HELP. She is driving me insane. She was sitting in the passenger seat of my car after hours of me too-ing and fro-ing and saying without a hint of irony that she never has and never will ask me for anything. She is still insisting that she is not yet at the stage of needing any sort of care or help.

AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!

What really breaks my heart is how much better the last years of life could be if it wasn’t for the denial. Move to a smaller place = more energy for fun stuff rather than worrying about the house. Move closer to family = less loneliness. Get a cleaner = more energy for other stuff. Set up direct debits = less time holding on the phone. Learn to use a mobile = less mornings/afternoons spent at home waiting for a callback that often doesn’t happen. Etc etc

Christ, tell me about it. Right up to Covid mum, now 85, was vivacious, energetic, physically A1. The decline came quickly and was obvious to us all but she was having none of it. Refused to talk to any doctors in the early stages when meds could possibly have helped. , “I’ll fly til I die”. Fine, nice sentiment but she’s making life thoroughly miserable for stepdad now, several years on.

My sympathies to everyone also having issues with elderly relatives. It's just exhausting and I'm completely not the right personality for going with the flow when she agrees one thing and then denies that she ever agreed, in fact denies that the subject was even raised.

The lady who looks after my aunt is delightful and Mum got on really well with her when they met this afternoon. So she's going to come one afternoon a week for a couple of hours, Mum seemed to be looking forward to it but will mostly likely be surprised when she turns up.

The puppy is going to my friend's house for a week to hopefully be house trained. Mum refused when I raised it last week, then thought it would be a good idea when we brought it up at lunchtime today. Apparently she still thought it was a good idea in DB's car while he was driving her home. But by the time I was up there so she could meet the potential carer she was all upset that people were 'stealing her dog'. She also said that he didn't poo indoors despite my DB having just cleaned one up in the kitchen. The dog is still going, I will go and meet my friend up there and dognap him if we have to. Hopefully it will only take a week for him to get the hang of it.

I've decided dealing with one of my siblings re elderly parent is worse than dealing with the elderly parent. A lot worse. Will crack open a bottle of champagne once mum is gone and I never need to talk to him again.

It's all very well for puppy going to be house trained but unless your mum is consistent and keeps things up it's a waste of time and pup will soon regress. Is there no way she could have been dissuaded from having a pup? I'm in my 70s but when my old girl goes, there's no way I'd have a pup. It would be irresponsible.

I know, I know. But there isn't much that I can do really except what I can. We were pretty sure that she wouldn't be able to organise a puppy for herself so DB and I were just putting up with her asking us to help and then being pissed off with us when we refused. I don't know the person who arranged the puppy for her so I can't get in contact with her to take the dog back and anyway Mum turns into some kind of passive aggressive dementor when told that it's not good for the puppy to be with someone like her so she would probably never talk to me again.

I will set up a dog walker when he's a little older so he will be socialised with other dogs. When Mum was your age she would also have thought that people over 80 shouldn't have puppies, but then she became over 80 and she would quite like everyone and their opinions to fuck right off.

I'm back for a quick update. There's been changes that are both good and bad at the same time.

Mum's regular cleaner is back from holiday and going in every weekday morning. My cleaner and Mum got along really well so she is now going to Mum one afternoon a week, and Mum also has the other carer one afternoon a week. Which is really useful for things like hair appointments etc. When my cleaner first went up to Mum, Mum told her that I was a bossy bitch who stole her dog (when he was off being house trained) because I was jealous because my dog is boring and has no personality. I will own the bossy bitch part, but trash talking about my lovely dog is going too far.

Mum has voluntarily given up driving, which is a huge worry off my mind (good) but she does live off the beaten track so she's now completely reliant on other people (bad).

The puppy has gone, good because he will hopefully go to a lovely active family but sad because he was her only company for part of the day. He tripped Mum up and she couldn't get back up off the floor and he was bouncing all over her and doing puppy nips. She phoned my friend, the one who house trained him, to ask if she could take him for a couple of days. When friend asked when she wanted her to take him, Mum said 'now, because I'm on the floor and can't get up'. My friend had a chat with Mum and they decided that they might wait a few weeks and then go to the rehoming place to see if they had any quiet, adult dogs that might suit her better. Mum absolutely forbid my friend from telling me that she'd had a fall caused by the puppy, so my friend waited until she was in the car on the way home and then phoned me anyway. DB has gone up this evening to check on Mum and get the puppy paperwork.

We are trying to find someone to sleep overnight, although Mum is massively resistant to the idea. She doesn't need any personal care but she's not capable of getting up by herself if she falls so it would be good to have someone around who could call us if needed, or an ambulance if needed and has the maturity to know which is the better option. According to Mum, she never falls. I should resist but every time she says that, I list the most recent falls. I should just ignore her and not let her trigger me because she just claims I'm making stuff up. I'm also a bit worried about her taking her medication which seems erratic. I'm especially worried about her eye drops for glaucoma, as far as I can tell from counting the drop capsules she is only remembering to do it once or twice a week. They're done at bedtime so I'm not there to remind her but hopefully if we do find someone to sleep over and they remind her as she's off to bed then she will do it.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar would your mum be open to wearing a necklace/bracelet fall detector alarm? We got one for my 94yr old dad after my mum died. As he lives on his own now and we were concerned about falls. It’s great for peace of mind for us children (all aged 50+!!) we got one with gps so even if he’s not in the house it will still go off if he falls

She has one of those @bjonesreborn, it lives in a drawer in her kitchen.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar it drives you mad doesn't it. You try and help your elderly unstable/unwell relative and.... they leave the bloody help in a drawer!!! Could I possibly suggest alarm cords around the house like they have in public toilets? Sending the biggest of hugs x could a carer pop in twice a day to keep an eye on the medication? Or would she not be agreeable?

I’m just dropping in to say that, for anyone who needs to offload, the Cockroach Cafe in this topic is a warm and welcoming place, full of lovely people who are all too familiar with these issues.