Just having a ranty rant

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

I don't particularly need advice because my Mother won't fucking well take it on board anyway. She's just winding me up because we can all see an imminent crisis looming except for her.

Mum is 83, widowed and has resources, more money than she could possibly spend so she can have whatever type of twilight years that she wants but she needs to be thinking about what she wants and to put plans into place. But, no, she's apparently 'not at that stage yet'.

She lives in a house that she and my Dad built early in their marriage, she has a glorious garden of about half an acre and a great view because she's on the side of a hill. She never wants to move out and I am happy to support that if it's what she wants. However, she can't get anywhere without a car and it's a bastard of a road that is about a car and a half wide for most of it, so that cars need to pull into gateways to pass. I'm not thrilled about her driving at all, although there haven't been any incidents and she doesn't go out at night. She has a lovely cleaner, who was previously a carer for my deceased uncle, who goes to Mum every weekday morning. She takes Mum to the supermarket and to appointments if they are in the mornings. But she has young DC and goes with them back to her home country for a month in the summer. Mum will, deliberately, not tell us when she goes away because we will fuss (ie check up on her more frequently).

So now, today, there is a mini crisis. The type of thing that I told her would happen and that she needs to plan for. She had to have a minor eye operation, she only told me about it last week. Her lovely cleaner is away and not back until the end of August. I dropped her into the hospital, went up to the house to let the puppy (that we told her not to get because she really can't properly care for him) out for a wee, picked her up from hospital, got her prescription and some painkillers and care items. She's not allowed to drive until after the follow up appointment in two weeks. AND YET APPPARENTLY SHE DOESN'T NEED ANYBODY'S HELP. She is driving me insane. She was sitting in the passenger seat of my car after hours of me too-ing and fro-ing and saying without a hint of irony that she never has and never will ask me for anything. She is still insisting that she is not yet at the stage of needing any sort of care or help.

AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!

Sending hugs it is tough. I’m in a similar situation and it is incredibly tough

I think quite a few of our elderly people might very well have on their tombstones "Not at That Stage"

Tempting, very, very tempting.

Next up is the ‘I don’t want to be a burden’ stage. Such fun 🙄

Ah it is so hard.

I think she’s fine to be driving (once over the op) as long as her eyesight is ok. My dad is 85 and my mum 83 and still driving, they drove to Spain last year and Ireland this year. I think keeping up with things like that keeps them young!
Can you organise a shopping delivery for her for a couple of weeks?

That depends. FILs ability to judge speed and distance, as well.as his reaction times were shocking. At least the accident that wrote off his car didn't involve a 3rd party. He just completely misjudged how to drive a roundabout and literally went through it.

Sending hugs as I’m in a similar situation and it’s tough 💐

Dear god, massive sympathies op and everyone else!
Rant away, we get it 100%.

The driving thing is an extremely tough one, the new compulsory eye testing will result in many older drivers being forced off the road by law.
On one hand it’s the life line for many to get out but on the other when you look at crash & deaths caused by older drivers with poor eyesight and poor reaction times, something has to change.

She’s right though, in a way: she doesn’t need any other help because you are doing everything. 🤷‍♀️

the Scottish version is ‘we’re no there yet’ - heard from MIL every time a change or adaptation was suggested 🙄.

I get "I don't need any help, I manage perfectly fine by myself". That's by herself with 1) 2 carer visits a day to check she hasn't left the door open, defrosted the freezer, switched off the power to the heating controls, fallen over, making sure the calendar is on the right monthetc. 2) DB1 managing her finances and insurance etc.3) me managing her meds, and doing odd jobs 4) DB2 doing odd jobs 5) neighbour doing the garden 5) me, DB2 or carers getting her to appointments. So yep, Managing just fine with no help whatsoever.

Just realised I forgot the cleaner on that list of help mum doesn't need. The one we got because the cobwebs were black and she'd not done any laundry for weeks and run out of clothes.

On top of everything else, it’s incredibly selfish of an 83 year old to get a puppy. Especially since she’s already not able to care for it properly.

Honestly, just leave her to get on with it.

Keep an eye on her driving so to speak. My DF still thinks he's fine to drive and wants the DVLA to return his licence. He wouldn't voluntary give it up and so he had to go for a test at the GP request. He had 2 accidents in one day but didn't even realise he had the first.....child on a bike,which could have turned out so much worse.
Eye ops don't always return the patient back to where their baseline was either.

i randomly saw this on BBC website and was shocked but not surprised

See below

One of my co workers made her mother a slide show titled "how you not being a burden is causing me stress and costing me money".

It wasn't done in jest.

My friend was telling me yesterday that her mother used to complain that she didn't need people always around and coming in and out of the house. So my friend said "If that's what you want we can give it a day without help and see how you get on". Then while my friend was still standing there her mum decided to go to the loo and couldn't get up out of her chair. My friend did help her, obviously, but not until her mum agreed that help was needed. Although that only stopped the denial for the rest of that day.

Anyway, my cleaner is now going up to Mum three mornings a week until Mum's cleaner gets back and on Sunday we are meeting with someone who is a carer for my aunt who may be able to do two afternoons a week helping with whatever Mum needs like driving her to places or running errands etc.

Mum says that she doesn't need anything but what worked well yesterday was sending her a text at about 9am to say I would be up at lunchtime and to send me a text if she needed anything. That gave her time to think without pressure and she sent me a couple of texts (butter and white wine, the essentials). So I think I'll do that at least every second day and I can also check her fridge and she what she needs.

My DB is great, I read so many threads on here where the daughter is doing all the running around and the son does nothing. My DB goes up to her at the weekends and he has taken over all her admin, bill paying, insurance forms etc. So at least the load is shared.

Re the driving, my parents have held on to their cars longer than they should. My DS has shown them the Uber app and how easy and convenient it is, how you can see exactly where they are and when they will arrive, be dropped at the door etc and it's like they've gained exciting secret knowledge and aren't they modern 😆

It wouldn't have worked if I'd done it, but DGS...

Did mum take it on board ?

Unfortunately taxis won't pick up from Mum's place, they will take an advance booking on the app and then cancel at the time for pick up. If she tries to use the app at the time that she wants to leave then there aren't usually any within 10 minutes drive and she won't get an acceptance. So she can only ever get a taxi to her house and not from her house.

‘Cross that bridge’ was FIL saying. Then straight on the phone to family when things went awry. It left a very bitter taste when he passed tbh.

Can you get a copy of the slides for us all here?

Tbh if I tell my mother her attitude is causing me stress, she doubles down “oh no, I don’t want that. You think about yourself, I’ll take care of it all”

To a point, temporarily.
It got her Mum to accept having a cleaner and moving to a more appropriate home - which were big wins, and essential.

Since then, 2 years on, her Mum has "stuck" - obviously, she did what was needed, and now doesn't need to make any further adjustments, in her mind.

Sadly, with aging, it's a continuous process, and with a stubborn parent, an endless succession of persuading them to accept the next new thing. It's also a balancing act of not wanting to just give up and sit in a wheelchair doing nothing