DM constantly flip flopping between different housing/home options

[womananddog]

DM is 90 years old. Over the past 2-3 years, I have spent many hours driving DM to visit different housing options - luxury rented assisted living, assisted living flats to buy, smaller flats near me and care homes. She went to stay in one of the luxury assisted living options for a trial last year and came home after 1 day as she said she hated it. In this time, she has accepted offers on her house on two occasions, only to pull out at the last minute having cost the would be purchaser several hundred pounds.

Over the last month, I have spent a considerable amount of time making arrangements to make her home safe and to organise a care package. She has previously sacked one carer and another care company withdrew their services - I think because she refused to let them in. Today, she telephoned asking me to take her to the luxury rented assisted living later this week. When I responded that I already had a commitment on that day, she said she would arrange to go with a solicitor and put the phone down. FWIW, she cannot really afford the luxury option even if she sells the house (unless she dies quite quickly) and there will be no security as they can ask her to leave if she becomes difficult and/or they feel that they cannot manage her needs. She is already difficult!

She recently received a diagnosis of dementia, but has always been self-centred and spikey. Other than me, there are only distant relatives, who she has no contact with, plus my children one of whom avoids contact with her - so there is no-one else to help.

Just venting really

Sympathies, OP!

After several in this family, inc. with dementia, I could not remotely blame my elder sister (usually more tolerant than I am) for saying, ‘I’m sick to death of bloody old ladies!’

As the dementia worsens, the only practical option for your DM will probably be a care home. My own Dm would never in a million years have agreed to go, but she was just not safe to be left alone at all any more. We had to get her there by stealth.
Good luck!

And BTW, the Talking Point forum on the Alzheimer’s Society website (for carers of people with dementia) is so helpful. Whatever you’re going through, someone will have been there. Even if you just need to let off steam, others will know exactly what it’s like - most people who haven’t dealt with this sort of thing are frankly clueless - but all too often are only to willing to tell you what you ought to be doing! For far too long Talking Point it was a lifeline for me.

Is her staying where she is now until she needs a nursing home an option?

She is fine at the moment with carers and things like a stairlift - all of which I have spent a considerable amount of time arranging over the last few weeks (sometimes for the 2nd and 3rd time as she cancelled previous arrangements). I did this because she told me she wanted to stay at home. I have also spent days looking at various options , all of which she deemed unsuitable for one reason or another. When she did agree to move and we sold the house (on 2 separate occasions), she changed her mind after the would-be purchasers had paid for their survey. She cannot afford the place that she says she is moving to and they will throw her out if her dementia means that she becomes a nuisance in any way.

Are you able to take a step back for now as she isn’t being realistic otherwise the demands end up taking over your life (been there done that)?

She’s ok where she is (thanks to all your input), tell her that if she starts talking about trying to move again or just ignore her if she brings it up again.

I completely understand your frustration. Today I had arranged a meeting with a care company to arrange for my DF to leave a care home and return home. He has been desperate to leave for months, hates being there and keeps trying to leave. He has no DOLS but the home are preventing him anyway.
Today the homecare company said he wanted to stay there. I'm completely flabbergasted and can't understand this and think he has been co-erced into saying this.
My mother is also at this care home and they fight and argue constantly but she is definitely more malleable to staff in his presence.

We put so much effort into trying to appease the demands and honour their wishes but it's like self-sabotage all the time.

We daren't put her in the lovely care home up the road because we know they would kick her out within weeks.

I'd back away from committing to anything now. You've done your best.

I’d also expect her to stay at home until she needs a care home now she has the dementia diagnosis; ask around for recommendations - she may not have much choice when the time comes.
As long as she has savings to cover the first 6 months you can leave the sale of the house. It will be easier when she’s moved out and settled somewhere, although I know that seems a long way off. At 90 she could easily live a good number of years so you’re right to beware of funding constraints.

She won't make a decision because her dementia won't let her (regardless of her previous personality).

I'd put as little energy into this as possible given she is currently safe where she is.

Having pulled out of house sales at the last minute twice, I suspect she doesn't have the mental capacity for high level financial decisions. For example she doesn't follow that she can't actually afford the assisted living place.

If/when she does need to move from home it will be when she is a lot less well and very much your decision and not hers.

This is what I am expecting - had she moved 2 or 3 years ago, when I first started looking with her, a move to some sort of warden controlled/retirement flat might have worked for a few years. Now I feel that that option is no longer viable and, if she moves at all, it will be to a care home.

@FishermansFool my sympathies. "Flabbergasted" along with "frustrated" and occasionally "furious" (if you like alliteration) sum up what I am feeling.

We are pretty much in this situation as well but mum is either pleading with me to sort a care home or, more often, biting my head off if I do much as talk about them. If she had moved to assisted living even a couple of years ago she'd probably still be coping as she doesn't need personal care yet, more a minder/someone on tap to switch back on the electric when she turns it off etc and company.

It sounds very likely that she won’t have what it takes to organise a move. I agree entirely that it’s probably too late for most sheltered housing given the prospects of behavioural problems.

Im afraid I would sit back as much as possible but look out for any arrangement going ahead that you don’t like the look of. Tbh putting house on market/ taking it off again is absolutely standard behaviour. A well placed call to any estate agent taking on the listing asking them to warn buyers that she has pulled out twice at the last minute could be worthwhile- buyers are precious these days so they will probably keep viewers away.

When I finally took over Mum’s affairs her email account was 99% from and to estate agents.

We tried to buy a house that the owner seesawed about. Eventually every estate agent in the area banned them.