Using me as an entertainment service

[ishimbob]

My elderly (late 60s - elderly more in her mind than in reality if you know what I mean) mother drives me a bit mad with this ..

Constant texts along these lines:

What are you doing?
Photos of boys
What are boys doing?
(If I have said we are going somewhere) When are you leaving? What did you eat?

Basically it's using me and my life as an entertainment service. It makes me feel like she's clicking the remote at the channel of my life.

My kids are primary age so not cute babies/toddlers changing every day - I really don't have a lot to say multiple times a day about what we are doing.

I have tried:

slowing down responses (this helps a bit but can lead to her just getting more agitated and firing off more messages)

muting her for a day or so

really boring replies. Yesterday I said in response to her questions "I am putting away the washing" "the boys are getting dressed"

Is there anything that will make it stop?!

Please no "you'll miss her when she's gone" responses

I Know it’s not your job to organise but what does she do all day, what social outlets does she have to keep herself interesting.

my mum has been in slow decline physically and socially since the age your folks are now. It’s now got to the point that dad has died so mum is alone, she has carers every morning, and neighbours popping in but less so at the weekend. I feel like the worst daughter in the world for not visiting more often besides the weekly shop. Yesterday she was trying to guilt me into doing a 1 hour round trip to fill her watering can up so she could water her Saracenia which would be fine for another 24 hours when the cleaner arrived but she was bored.

you can set boundaries, don’t answer all the texts or tell her you’ll be out, busy etc so set expectations of when you can call or answer. Maybe give half an hour every now and then when she gets your attention. Make sure she realises how busy and manic having a job and 2 young kids is. The odd sorry mum can’t chat now text.

but do think ahead to the next 20 years. Encourage her to develop a social life and things to keep her interesting. You will become the sandwich generation and yes you will miss her when she’s gone but you’ll have much more positive experiences and conversations if she can put her own interests into them. My standard opening with mum these days is hi mum how are you what have you been up to and without fail her answer is ‘not a lot’

She sounds really lonely and without purpose. Does she live with a partner? Does she work? Has she a good social circle around her?
Does she live near you?
Could her comments be out of concern for your wellbeing?
I don't know what your relationship is with your mum or if you had a happy childhood but reading your post does not show any concerns about her wellbeing. Is that fair?
At the end of the day she is family and she sounds really unhappy.
A stark fact of growing up is that the parents we thought indestructable when we were small start to show unexpected insecurities and frailties. Maybe she needs your help.

She has a husband, a part time job. My dad and I encourage her all the time to get out and do more. There is plenty in her immediate local area for her to do. She doesn't want to. There's only so much I can do about it.

I think what gets to me about it is that she absolutely has no interest in my wellbeing - it's 100% not about that. She doesn't have any genuine interest in me or my life - for example, she would never ask about my career or my work. She just wants something to entertain her. She will say herself - she's bored. But she won't do the things available to entertain herself.

there is nothing to can do to make her stop
no as you can’t control others behaviour. Do you have a view as to how often you would text and stick to that? So no matter how many she does you keep to that.

if you don’t rely and she gets agitated that’s on her, she needs to manage that, you arent there to manage her emotions. How does she know you have your phone or you have a signal?

would she be receptive to an honest conversation about how what she is doing makes you feel? It’s all about what she feels at the moment, can she think of others (I ask as my mum can’t do that).

Oh crossed post with my reply. In that case then just stick to your guns and don’t reply. If she asks just say oh didn’t have my phone. Or oh I didn’t see your messages. Problem is you will be getting a jolt of adrenaline every time she messages and that’s not good for you.

train her out of it by not giving her the reward of a reply.

You can't stop her texting, you can only decide what you will do in response. The initial one is to simply not respond, then tell her you are too busy to reply to texts all day. My mum and I often leave texts read / unread for days, even weeks at a time. At the moment, in the same way as you get a little shot of adrenalin each time your phone pings, she is getting the same every time you reply (no matter how mundane) - and that's quite addictive. That's why she gets agitated when you stall. So cut off her supply.

Beyond that, you would have to spell it out for her and tell her that you can't reply to texts all day.