Father a selfish arsehole, 20 years post stroke.

[ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm]

As above. Has changed from a friendly, good natured person who was always ready for a laugh, to a selfish, weirdly obsessed odd bod. Tragically, my wife was taken by cancer 2 years ago. My parents came up to my house to ' support me'. My DF threw a huge, toddler tantrum because my bathroom wasn't as clean as he would like ( one of his major obsessions - has been known to soil himself if he couldn't find a public loo which came up to his standards). DMs response to his bathroom strop was to pitch in and tell me my kitchen was ' filthy'. This was, of, course by way of ' supporting him'. Neither kitchen or bathroom were dirty - I had just spent 6 months providing solo personal care for my dying wife,so readily concede they may not have been immaculate. DM so grateful that he survived his stroke that his bizarre behaviours are always excused ( supporting him!), and will lash out with lies and accusations if his behaviour is ever even referred to, let alone challenged. As a result of his tantrum, and subsequent sulk, they declined to attend her funeral, citing completely made up health issues. DM can can be hugely hurtful, and incredibly bitchy when ' defending him', and deals with this by flatly denying that she has been... ' I never said that'! DF can be so selfish, other people's feelings or sensitivities never even seem to cross his mind ( while any reference to his personality changes are strictly taboo). I went no contact after their performance following the death of my wife, but now, them being in their 80s,and not in the best of heath I have resumed contact with the occasional phone call. They are now dropping hints about either visiting me in my home, or me going to theirs. Frankly, I'd rather put pins in my eyes. They also have hedged around maybe me being POA for them. I don't trust them any more. If my father decides to be take up some random suspicion of wrongdoing on my part ( he is VERY given to random suspicions) , my mother will back him, 100%, with all the possible legal problems that might entail. Any advice gratefully received.

This is very sad for you all.
You don 't trust each other so having POA would be absolutely unworkable and you must refuse.
Do you want to stay in touch with them? If so occasional phonecalls and cards would remind them that you still care. When they suggest meeting, or hint at it, say something like 'Best not meet up, Mum/Dad, it gets pretty stressful when we're together. Lets stick to having a chat now and then. You do need to get a POA set up but obviously it can't be me. Have you thought of asking x?'

Oh God that’s so awful. I’m so sorry you’ve had such terrible things to deal with. Behavioural changes post head injury can be so tough and the lack of insight is hard. I do feel for your mum tbh, though her approach to you is not ok. I’d agree 100% about not taking on PoA, just keep saying no.

Unfortunately a stroke can change someone’s personality. It sounds awful. I think @WellIquitelikesproutshas some good suggestion.
Maybe think about what your boundaries are and stick to them.
It must be very difficult for you and upsetting.

OP, they can drop hints and you can ignore them. Keep your phone calls occasional, and keep your distance. They have both shown that they are unreasonable and can’t be trusted, so just make sure that any contact is on your terms - I’d recommend keeping them at arm’s length. Their behaviour after your DW’s death was the opposite of supportive. Do you have any siblings, or are there any other relatives you could talk to if you’re worried about them? I can’t see any future in any visits, as clearly you feel strongly about it, and I fear they’d be dismissive and nit-picking and you’d end up going NC again. I think the best thing to do is to carry on with occasional calls (and maybe cards, as a PP has suggested) and keep the calls short. Good luck - it doesn’t sound easy.