At what point do you start being seriously concerned about cognitive decline?

[IShouldNotCoco]

My mum is 78 and lately I’ve noticed that she’s very suddenly gone from being a good driver to one who drives in the middle of two lanes and seems unable to realise when it’s her right of way or not. Yesterday, she was waving her fists at another driver even though it was clearly their right of way - the give way line was on her side. She can’t reverse out of spaces now either - I had to take over and do it.

I think if I told her she should stop driving, she’d be aggressive towards me about it. She’s very upset atm because apparently she did an NHS cognition test which revealed she’s in the bottom 30% for her age.

She’s angry a lot of the time, lately as well. How concerned should I be about this? Any advice about how to handle it?

Well we have an appointment with a decent doctor soon. The thing I have to do is convince her to go, somehow.

It’s possible. Tbh this person isn’t what I’d consider to be a very good friend anyway.

That's just a proposal so far

You need to ask her could she live with herself if she killed someone.

my mum became a dreadful driver and we were all nervous to travel with her. She drove into a lorry on a dual carriageway and was fortunately (and miraculously!) uninjured but it allowed us to open the conversation.

My mum has just been diagnosed with dementia. I kept a list of odd things she said and did for over a year initially then actually contacted the dr myself who asked her to come for a check up. They referred her to the memory clinic which took 8 months.

I think as people approach this age themselves they get defensive. Of course you don’t have dementia, everyone forgets what day it is sometimes! But it’s unhelpful for you. I’m afraid you have to tune the friend out- she can’t be helpful as she’s not very present, so she’s irrelevant. If it was a good friend that she saw weekly then it would be worth keeping her in the loop as an extra pair of eyes keeping your mum safe. But she isn’t.

Yes, very true - thank you.

Update;

My mum went to her GP appointment today which I had requested by contacting her GP.

Apparently, she didn’t do very well in the screening test and the doctor has referred her to the memory clinic. The doctor has referred her as a matter of urgency and has also told her that she mustn’t drive.

So I feel pleased that the doctor is taking this seriously.

@IShouldNotCoco you must be so relieved but be prepared for her to forget or be in complete denial about any diagnosis. My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the beginning of 2021 (luckily she gave up driving when dad had to as she realised she'd have to drive everywhere). Had a brain scan and everything and still insists there's nothing wrong with her memory even though she completely forgot even major events in hours.

DM is battling against it now. Every time I forget something, every time she ‘remembers’ some fabricated tale from the past, she basically goes, ‘See? I’m fine!’.

She doesn’t understand what dementia is, thinking that it’s the later stage where it’s very noticeable to everyone. Julie told me John has dementia. Ridiculous! There’s nothing wrong with him!

I’ve tied to explain that early diagnosis can slow the condition down with medication etc, but she won’t have it.

We have found that with a friend with dementia that she is deeply offended and hostile to the use of the word "dementia,".
Which of course is understandable.
We refer to "problems with memory/memory loss" etc.

I'm interested to hear instances where having an assessment and diagnosis has been helpful.
Or resulted in any positive changes for the sufferer or their relatives.

I think I’d be able to risk her being upset, given the potential effects on the lives of others if she crashes. And herself, frankly.

It is good news the GP has taken it seriously, and told your mother not to drive. I hope you are being sent a note of the memory clinic appointment? My mother missed her appointment because - of course - she forgot to go. I only found out when they rang me to say she'd missed it. After that, they copied me in.

The next step after the memory clinic will be an MRI scan.

In terms of care, Social Services will offer up to 4 care visits a day. But those short visits are not much use to someone with advanced dementia so it is possible she will need a care home at some point. You will need to liaise with Social Services unless she can pay for her own care (she would need to have over £23,500 in her own savings).

Do either you or your dad have POA for your mother?

That's good news OP. She won't stop driving though. Can you take her car keys?

She has actually given me her car keys.

It seems that she was honest with the GP and told her that when she was driving somewhere, she was halfway around a roundabout and forgot where she was going.

Gosh! That's great news. I assume she doesn't have any more sets?

(Can you tell I've been through the trenches with this 😊)

Luckily there is only one. She does keep saying she thinks the doctor was being over zealous but luckily she’s taking this seriously.

Well that's great. Just be ready her to start asking for her keys back in a week or so, when the doctor's words wear off and life without driving becomes a bit inconvenient.

Yes. Tbh I’m quite worried about what may lie ahead.

It is difficult, OP. Can you get the car away? So it is not sitting there, "goading" her.

Best to sell it or something, ASAP, so she has no recourse to driving it.

Maybe find out some local taxi companies who can take her to the shops, or whatever. Sell it to her like it's lovely and convenient to her, now she can't drive any more.

The problem is that every solution (like taxis) you put in place becomes worthless quite quickly because it is something 'new' and people with dementia cannot deal with change. And of course their cognition continues to deteriorate too. Unfortunately there will come a point where going to the shops unaccompanied is no longer viable.

Totally agree. I’m happy to drive her where she needs to go.