At what point do you start being seriously concerned about cognitive decline?

[IShouldNotCoco]

My mum is 78 and lately I’ve noticed that she’s very suddenly gone from being a good driver to one who drives in the middle of two lanes and seems unable to realise when it’s her right of way or not. Yesterday, she was waving her fists at another driver even though it was clearly their right of way - the give way line was on her side. She can’t reverse out of spaces now either - I had to take over and do it.

I think if I told her she should stop driving, she’d be aggressive towards me about it. She’s very upset atm because apparently she did an NHS cognition test which revealed she’s in the bottom 30% for her age.

She’s angry a lot of the time, lately as well. How concerned should I be about this? Any advice about how to handle it?

@TizerorFizz thank you - that’s interesting. Something definitely isn’t right. This morning, my mum was worried because the bin men had not come and I pointed out they come tomorrow.

I spoke to my ex-husband about it because his dad sadly passed away from dementia a few years ago. He said that there is medication that can slow the progression of it if caught early, even though there is of course no cure.

Sending you best wishes. It’s a tough time x

@HangryBrickShark It’s tough! Best wishes.

@IShouldNotCoco Another example: our friend worried all week about losing an umbrella on holiday in a restaurant on day 1. After that a significant time was spent with several visits to the restaurants (in case it turned up) turning luggage (a large suitcase because unable to discerning over clothes) and the car boot inside out to no avail. It never came on holiday - it was at home, So things get obsessed about.

There were other issues we noticed but his wife didn’t seem concerned. It’s so easy to just say “oh that’s Tizermate” and shrug. Plus I suspect he was getting angry and defensive. DH almost fell out with him about not getting hearing aids but they couldn’t have a conversation. It’s illogical to not want them but it tells you something is wrong and it’s not just hearing. At times our friend was passive and a poor advocate so we think unable to have a sensible conversation with doctors about several health issues which are now a total disaster. Now it’s too late to arrest decline. And it seems very quick! So if you can do something, please do it.

It’s so hard. We are getting to the same place with DM. She gets very worked up about her inability to find things, but also very reluctant to reduce the amount of stuff she has- loads of papers- which would make it easier.

She’s trying hard to cling on to what she considers to be normal, rather than planning for reduced capacity of all kinds. So she complains bitterly about all the things she has to do, but won’t let anyone else do them.

Well our GP are taking this seriously. She has an appointment with a very good, thorough doctor which they’ve asked me to bring my mum to and they’re going to do tests including blood tests.

The GP said I must report the driving concern to the DVLA. Thanks again for your help, everyone. I think the wording of my email, helped by posters here has made them take notice.

Similar situation here- the sudden change is definitely a concern and needs to beinvestigates

My gran was similar and was aggressive and upset when dad suggested she stopped driving. He hid her keys and even disconnected the battery once to stop her driving. She went into a home about a year later with dementia (he moved in to care for her, but it was too much and she needed 24/7 care).
It is a really scary time for the person involved, she wouldn't always realise that there was anything wrong. In the end, my dad went to the GP with his concerns and they (eventually) took him seriously and she was diagnosed with Alzheimers. What did the GP say would be the next steps following the assessment?

What do you do though if your siblings won’t get on board? One of mine is like an ostrich and won’t confront what’s going on. The other leaves it to me.

Well done for taking these steps. It can be so hard to accept it enough to do something about it, but it is for the best. You need to report your concerns to DVLA asap. In the meantime, if possible, offer to drive her where she needs to go- use the excuse of her vertigo or dizziness maybe. Advocate for her, push for any medications, tests, trials etc. But also, and I say this kindly, brace yourself.

I know of a friend who disconnected her mum's car battery and took the batteries out of the keys to stop her from driving while waiting for diagnosis. Her mum didn't know how to fix it, and it bought her time. Then after diagnosis and advise from GP, she was able to sell the car and just told her mum it had too many problems that needed fixing. This was a slightly different circumstance as her mum's dementia symptoms appeared and worsened very quickly (within a month of diagnosis she was basically bedbound).

@Ladedahlia only 1 person needs POA. If others don’t get involved, so be it. Been there and got the t shirt.

@Ladedahlia honestly one POA is preferrable to every decision having to be run past a group of family all of whom have varying levels of involvment, and realism about the situation, plus navigating any sibling politics and rivalries.

The driving issue has changed lately, hasn't it. Over 70s now need a medical report on eyes etc before they can keep their licence.

Thank God for that!

OP, your post struck a chord with me. My mother (from around the age of 78) started to lose her temper more often for literally nothing. My mother’s go to emotion has also been anger, so it was hard to differentiate between that and the more frequent outbursts and sulks. It was a mammoth struggle to get her to see a geriatrician. She’s also a retired GP so all the more challenging.

She got diagnosed with vascular dementia and was prescribed a variety of medication to deal with the memory loss and also an anti-depressant. She was very reluctant to take the meds and kept making up stories about them (a new behaviour) and even told me that the new meds were radioactive.

I am also an only child so the responsibility is entirely on me, and it has been very challenging. I don’t know if it would have made much of a difference if we got the diagnosis earlier, but I found out that she had withdrawn socially and of course, this further contributed to her cognitive decline.

For both your sake and your mother’s it would probably be best to know what she’s dealing with, so that whatever can be done (outside of medication), can be done sooner, before any further cognitive decline takes place.

I am currently dealing with a very difficult period in my mother’s dementia journey so I think your post found me. Good luck.

OP, there is nothing that will stop your mother's decline, even though a PP posted that.

Eye tests for over seventies do not exist yet, even as a PP posted.

When your mother is told to stop driving, and even has her licence taken away (which you will find diffilulct to do), she will not stop driving.

I went through a similar situation with two relatives. I realised far earlier than anyone else that their situation (dementia) was critical.

I asked myself this question - could I live with the fact if my relative knocked down and killed a toddler?

You have to do everything you can to get her off the road. Which includes angering her.

I’m not sure that the DVLA will do anything other than send out forms saying ‘do you think you are still capable of driving?’, to which the DM will reply saying ‘yes’.

No, not yet.

This is exactly how one of my relation's dementia started to present. A lot of confusion about dates. Writing things down on a calendar that made no sense. As if he was trying to sort it all out and prove that he had it under control. But it was nonsense. 60 days in a month, etc.

Either forgot plans that were made, or got angry when people didn't turn up on the appointed day. Which was not, in fact, the appointed day.

I thought that too. I reported my mother anonymously as a result of this thread and she suddenly got in touch with me to say she had decided to give up her car. I didn’t enquire as to why but I suspect a letter asking her for more information made her panic. She knows she isn’t fit to drive deep down and it was the push she needed. It’s worth doing.

My mother was meant to meet me and when she didn’t turn up I phoned her. She was asleep and arrived late, looking awful and quite distressed.

It's a while ago but DVLA sent my FIL a letter asking for permission to contact his GP.

He went off to see his GP and was shocked when the GP fully agreed he shouldn't be driving.

Well done.

See, this was the response I received from my mums ‘friend’, who apparently was also angry with my mum for forgetting the correct day. Does she seriously think that I would be making up concerns about my mum declining for sport or something??! It’s worrying for me to have to acknowledge that she isn’t the person she was.

in any case, this friend sees my mum about 3 times a year.

Could the friend be defensive? They might be concerned about their own memory and seflecting? I know my gran would get angry if we tried to say anything, but she was scared and didn't know how to express it - I guess embarrassed as well

Right. Face it. Your mother has dementia. What her friend who sees her three times a year thinks is irrelevant.

You are going to need to step up. And that is not easy.