Eeeek I want to scream!!!!

[Chickenlicken15]

Sorry I just want to vent ! Not sure what to suggest next . My in-laws are 93 &89 they live in their own home but are now struggling. Dad law has fall and was in hospital for 2.5 weeks so mum at home on her own. It was really difficult as they had no care in place so the burden fell largely on us but we live 45 mins away and both work
on discharge dad came home with care package to help him shower which surprisingly he has accepted and has worked well
we had to then source private care when that came to an end so my husband has spent many hours making calls trying to arrange etc

new carers started yesterday for them both it has taken SO many conversations to get to this point they have begrudgingly accepted carers coming in 3 times a day as they are finding it hard to manage washing up and cooking meal pegging washing out etc
day 1 was yesterday and dad seems almost gleeful that the carer in the morning was a disaster as water all over floor etc . But he will interfere and won’t let anyone get on with things unless he is supervising and in control etc - he didn’t wait until carer had help mum get dressed then got back in bathroom to clear up
he didn’t wait till carer arrived to put dinner on etc
he didn’t ask carer to dry up rather than leaving dishes to drain etc
we got personal. Alarms for them both but he doesn’t like that either !
i just feel really upset that he is saying we haven’t listened to him etc etc
I know I am just ranting but we are so tired of trying to sort care out for them - they do need some care and we don’t want to be in the position we were in before when dad fell and we had no care in place at all
maybe we just need to cut care down to a morning visit only for a shower and leave them to muddle through the rest of the day themselves but it’s hard to see them struggling
dad has really got to me which hasn’t happened before - they really are lovely in laws but just now I could scream and just leave them to it!!
sorry rant over well done if you got this far ! Thank goodness for anonymous posting !

It must be awful having to rely on random strangers coming into your home. If they want minimal let them have minimal.

you need to stop helping because who wouldn’t want their beloved family to be around and making life easier?

then they can chose care or not - you can’t force them to have help

You might need to cut down the visits. Could the morning carer prepare a sandwich lunch for FiL to serve? Soup in a thermos in colder days?
I would be reluctant to go to one visit a day this early in the routine as I’m sure FiL would prefer his family did the teatime/last visit.
They will only get more dependent, trust me I know.

The trouble with "minimal" is that it can increase the probability of further falls, not managing food/eating properly etc which risks further hospital admissions, more stress for op etc.

My advice would be to see this as teething troubles and give it a good 4 weeks to settle before you assess how it is working. Your dad in law will be struggling with being less autonomous and will be trying to show he can still cope etc, just because it is very hard to admit you can't.

If you can find ways for him to express his autonomy (not too sure what that would look like but maybe doing an online shop where he has a big say on what gets bought?), this might help?

I think sometimes you just have to let the next crisis happen and go from there. If they have capacity they are allowed to make daft decisions. Just be clear about what you are prepared to do, and stick to it.

I used to tell my elderly that if they stopped the carers helping that was their choice, but if they fell and broke a hip, it’d be a care home as the Drs wouldn’t want them living alone. Funnily enough, the carers were allowed to help from then on, in a fashion!

I do wonder in the future when we are old and the “carer” is an automated robot, we will find it easier to accept help. I can understand the imposition of having strangers in your space. Maybe it’ll be easier to take when the help is a machine!

Thank you everyone - I guess I find it frustrating that they just don’t seem happy I just see 2 old people struggling just to get through the day and not enjoying life when with a bit of extra help they could have more energy to take it easy etc
getting old is not easy but they have so much to be thankful for you for - my dad has Alzheimer’s and is in a home and my mum is still living on their house then I look at my in laws and think at least you can chat to each other !
at the heart of it all mum in law loved it when dad was in hospital and the family rallied round etc but that is not feasible or sustainable
I guess we have to shut our ears and let it run for a couple of weeks to see if it settles down

It’s so hard isn’t it? My M had reluctantly agreed to have a Carer come in once a day just this week. It lasted 2 days before she was moaning again.

Being really clear on what you’re prepared to do is critical I think. DMIL might have loved all of the extra attention from the family when DFIL but that doesn’t sound sustainable long term.

Do they have a SW @Chickenlicken15? Sometimes they can help with sorting out lunch clubs or day centres. It might be worth speaking to the Social Prescriber at their GPs too.

Would he accept the carer more if it was said to be for her, rather than him?
It sound like she’d welcome the company.

I think you have to just nod and divert the conversation to something else. Let him have his rant, is he threatening to cancel them, if not just ignore him, maybe point out some of the things he likes about it.

We have just got to the end of the first week and things seem to be settling down - we are going to reduce the care to twice a day and dil just needs to let go and stop trying to control everything ! I do feel that at last we may be getting somewhere
thanks for your support everyone

It is awful for them when they want to be left alone
its just not safe
they wont eat
they wont make a drink
they'll sleep in (sorry pissy sheets)
so one of them falls and the roundabout starts all over again
Hospital and gp take weeks to sort anything
they just keep listening to MIL who lies amd lies and lies
they both say there ideal day is not seeing a soul and not being bothered

You can’t win; if you let them choose to not see anyone then some will accuse you of neglect.
That also means you will be reactive to emergencies rather than proactive in preventing those emergencies. If you follow that path your life is chaos; your mental health and possibly your job is at risk.
I hope if I need support I will have the capacity to recognise it and not be a burden on my children.

Who are you to say otherwise? This sort of thing is why we don't let people make irrevocable decisions about their future.

They can’t cope. One or the other will end up back in hospital.