Mum - independence & carers

[MoondustandFairies]

Long story - apologies in advance - my elderly Mum recently had a review of her care plan to ensure that it was still meeting her needs & a number of things were identified during this. As backgrond, she is widowed, in her mid-90's & while she is relatively mobile (she doesnt drive) uses a walking frame for support as she is too wobbly without it.
So during the chat, she told us that that she prefers to have a shower by herself before the carers turn up, makes her bed herself as well beforehand (doesnt like the way they do it) & has a tricky process of managing her laundry to get it outdoors to the dryer in the old car shed - but doesnt want to change doing any of this. Stubborn, much!
It was sort of discussed that she needs to accept more support & in particular let the carers do what they are assigned or her care package will be removed (as in, it seems she doesnt need it)
But I have a feeling that she does all she can before they get there so she can have a social time/chat with them. She is very lonely but is currently refusing to go to any elder care centre for company & absolutely, totally refusing to consider a care home.
Anyway we have since had "words" as she thinks I am trying to take everything away from her & so is refusing any type of compromise with the carers.
I've since messaged a younger sister of mine who lives far away who has been a complete fence sitter, agreed that a review was needed but thinks Mum should be able to maintain her own independence & do as she wishes.

I'm probably being very hot headed about all this, & too close to the facts but I want to toss in the towel right now & leave them all to it. But my DH is taking the side of my Mum (theres not really sides & I do want to resolve this) but thought I will post on here & hear the harsh truth of whether I am being a cow & not very supportive of her.
But - our Mum has been widowed nearly 10 years, I am the only family she has nearby & mostly everything falls to me & I am unfortunately feeling very resentful at the many little things. But also guilty because I should be blessed to still have a Mum around at this age.
I thought I was helping her to ensure she got more support & was kept safe to keep her in her own home as she wants - but she & my sister want to maintain the status quo. And I dont know if that is manageable going forward. Have any others managed super-stubborn parents & survived :)

@MoondustandFairies i think your mum will lose the care package if she doesn't use it. My mum was similar very very very stubborn. In the end I backed right off as I couldn't cope anymore. My dad had a breakdown and social services finally put her in a home. Yes its good your mum is independent but if she's not willing to utilise the carer's or try something socially I don't think there is much you can do?? Is there a support group for widows?? My dad goes and loves it

If she has capacity, you have to respect her wishes. It's hard, but you have to step back and wait until something happens. It's like watching an accident in slow motion sometimes.

The frustrating thing is they don't see that accepting a bit of help now can actually help preserve long term independence. By refusing, the chances of a fall etc may increase which can be catastrophic and speed their decline.

All you can do is tell her what will happen with the care plan if it's not being put to its intended use.
Then let her get on with it. We'd all like our elderly parents to do what we think is in their (and our) best interests, but we can't make them.
I'd love it if my DM were more sociable, had a network, (anyone other than me really!). But no matter how much suggesting or cajoling I do, she won't go to any classes, groups etc. So I have to leave it and accept it.

Is she definitely doing that every day or just sometimes and she’s making herself out to be more independent than she is? That’s what my DM does. The carers should have records of what they do each visit.

Solidarity.

I was just complaining to AI about this and he/she/it said that's "90 yo being 90 yo..." My DM was just away from home and is saying what a nice holiday she had and I'm pretty much on my knees.

thanks so much for these comments, essentially reinforcing what I have been thinking.
I dont read her Care Plan notes but Mum has commented previously that some of the notes are very generalilst, eg "well, & having a good day" (so not intimate details but a bit like a baby care book maybe)
My late Dad attended a older person day session once or twice a week from memory but he was much more outgoing & sociable & would talk to a door post if it listened 😂but I acknowledge that Mum is more introverted & while she enjoys company it is on her terms & usually at her home.
Im going to just have a quiet week here & not pop in, so will wait until my regular visit on Sunday to see if she has had another opportunity to chat with my sister, & also the time to try out this new care plan with her carers.
I do accept that she still has capacity & can make her own decisions so I need to respect that. And I know that trying new stuff can be scary especially for a person very used to their own routines but her physical abilities are much reduced. Time shall tell. Thanks to you who offered ideas 🙂

There’s a balance isn’t there, why can’t the carers just chat to her rather than physically help if the emotional connection is what she needs.

My Mum’s carers would happily sit with her and drink the tea my mum had made for them both, it was hugely important to her mental health.

That said your Mum sounds very stubborn regarding hanging the washing out whilst using a walker, that’s a broken hip and subsequent complete loss of independence in the making.

Out of interest, who provides/ pays for the care package?

She has been assessed by her GP as needing home support so I think it is Govt funded. Mum pays nothing for this service, 6 visits each week in the mornings, but variable times as her Carers also have other clients to attend to.

Unfortunately the care support is for the tasks she has been identified as struggling with (note the irony) & also, the funding is no doubt needing to be stretched to meet organizational needs & many clients.

So while most of the Carers are lovely, kind people I dont think they have the time to sit & chat & drink tea.
Other social support groups could provide that but as I said in my OP Mum is resistant to that. As you mentioned yes, very stubborn - despite her age I'm thinking this is just a bit like toddlers & teenagers & consequences all over again

Could you suggest that she does things with the carer...

There are a few studies that indicate that if older people stop doing things the go into mental and physical decline more quickly than people who keep doing daily tasks. The best regarded care homes include residents in daily tasks to keep people healthy. Housing LIN have case studies in their website.

That said I understand your concern that she is overstretching herself and may come to harm ... A fall away from losing her independence totally.

Speak with her care provider to see if they can accommodate the working side by side with her.