Non driving parent expectations

[Onlyadaughter]

DF passed away 2 years ago almost and DM doesn't drive because she's too anxious. She has a licence but my dad drove her everywhere so she's not been behind the wheel for years. I take her to get with groceries etc every week and the occasional hospital appointment. Sibling helps with errands sometimes but flat out refused to do groceries so I'm doing that every week. For a while DM wanted lifts to her various medical appointments as she'd had a turn and didn't feel safe walking but thankfully she's been better recently (plus I told her she needs to walk, it's only 10 minutes away and took me longer to drive to her house 🙄 ).

A neighbour died recently and DM is hoping to go to the funeral next week but she's informed me she has a Dr appointment an hour before so "someone" would need to give her a lift. Sibling is away so can't do it. I'm working but she will be expecting me to ask for time off to drop her at the church. I'm not sure if she would be able to walk there in time but it would take me 15 minutes to drive to hers then I'd have to hang around at the medical centre waiting before taking her to the ceremony. Obvious answer would be taxi but she doesn't like trying to organise taxis when she's not sure what time she'll be available. Not sure what to do or say I'm sitting here silently seething and wishing she could fucking drive.

Might be worth downloading the Uber app while you’re at your mums and having a look if it is available or not. It never was available by me but now it is as it spreads its tentacles across the world 😂. The app is really easy to use once you’ve set up the account and put a payment card on it. Your mum isn’t old at 75 and as a PP says if she really wants to do something she will find a way if you make yourself “not available mum, I can’t leave work”

My Dm gave up her car at about 80, since she’d become very nervous after an accident.
We pointed out several times that with all the money she was saving from not running a car (petrol, tax, MOTs, servicing, insurance, never mind what she sold the car for) she could take any amount of taxis.

But would she? No, because in her head - a leftover from many hard-up years - taxis were a huge extravagance. It was intensely frustrating.

As a result she spent more and more time at home, hardly going out (unless one of us took her and none of us lived close by.) . She was never socially very confident anyway, and all this isolation IMO could be one of the reasons she fairly soon developed Alzheimer’s

That's so sad @GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER. I am relieved that my parents have embraced the taxi thing - initially they were the same as your mum so it did require a change in mindset.

my dm doesnt take a taxi, her friend told her there arent any in their town!
she does take buses and has a shopping trolley but recently she complained she couldnt open tins and needed me to go and open the tins!
she had a special tin puller but it turns out she was doing it completely wrong!

id say I can’t leave work. Suggest she gets a taxi. She needs to have some independence.

Also suggest grocery delivery

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER My dm was exactly the same! The local taxi firm was run by the DD of someone she knew! Totally safe and reliable. Dm was 95 though! Totally agree about isolation and loss of hearing is a big red flag too.

And I’ve already put a lot of thought into living somewhere that has easy access to local facilities like the GP, hospital, library, shops and on a bus route so I won’t be stranded like my elderly parent who didn’t do this. Funnily enough, it makes life with young children easier too as everything is nearby and will help them when they’re older as they won’t have to rely on lifts to get around so will be able to see friends and get jobs independently.

Same! I can’t understand people who decide to retire to the deepest country village - peaceful and idyllic until the time you can’t drive/spouse dies/ and you are isolated. Lack of social contact is a key determinant in cognitive deterioration. I always thought I would move to a studio flat in Covent Garden instead for my elderly years -but have settled on a buzzing London borough with lots to do and numerous free buses and trains/excellent GP five minutes walk away/ library 3 mins walk away/ all the good shops/very active U3Agroups/lively pubs with live music/cafes snd restaurants/riverside benches and views.
Am 64, currently very active and hoping for another 20 years of no aches and pains, but accept that I might be hit with something from left field.

Some villages have a very active social life but you have to join in. Same as towns in that respect. Isolated living isn’t appealing - I agree.