Non driving parent expectations

[Onlyadaughter]

DF passed away 2 years ago almost and DM doesn't drive because she's too anxious. She has a licence but my dad drove her everywhere so she's not been behind the wheel for years. I take her to get with groceries etc every week and the occasional hospital appointment. Sibling helps with errands sometimes but flat out refused to do groceries so I'm doing that every week. For a while DM wanted lifts to her various medical appointments as she'd had a turn and didn't feel safe walking but thankfully she's been better recently (plus I told her she needs to walk, it's only 10 minutes away and took me longer to drive to her house 🙄 ).

A neighbour died recently and DM is hoping to go to the funeral next week but she's informed me she has a Dr appointment an hour before so "someone" would need to give her a lift. Sibling is away so can't do it. I'm working but she will be expecting me to ask for time off to drop her at the church. I'm not sure if she would be able to walk there in time but it would take me 15 minutes to drive to hers then I'd have to hang around at the medical centre waiting before taking her to the ceremony. Obvious answer would be taxi but she doesn't like trying to organise taxis when she's not sure what time she'll be available. Not sure what to do or say I'm sitting here silently seething and wishing she could fucking drive.

Yes sometimes the trick is to listen and sympathise but not offer solutions and then they will find their own. I would make a big point of saying how great it is that neighbour was able to take her.
I don’t think encouraging an elderly person who lacks confidence to start driving again is a good solution, there’s enough unfit elderly drivers on the road without adding to the problem.

Mine is the same, she can’t drive now for medical reasons but had given up anyway because she can’t be bothered with it 🤦🏻 It’s not going to be long before her husband can’t drive so I’ve made it clear they need to look at alternatives now rather than when that happens. I don’t live close enough to be a taxi for them and I wouldn’t want to if I did.

Their generation - or maybe it’s just my family - seem to have no understanding that we work, in serious professional jobs with responsibilities that can’t be dropped every time they fancy a trip to Tesco. I’d start as you mean to go on OP and make it clear you are not available in work hours. I do get how hard it is though 😫

Can't she get her groceries delivered? My parents (in their 80s) no longer drive but they walk / get the bus / get taxis / have their shopping delivered.

Edited to add - she should definitely be walking to the appointments that are only 10 mins away. It's really important to keep active as she gets older.

Brownbear yes they have so much time on their hands.. it is hard. We all work aswell. Sometimes I explain I can drop you to x apt but I cant wait as I do school bus so meet my driver at set times. Then she in a snot

We don't have uber in our area AFAIK. Just a town.

She's 75. Yes

I work full time but not in an "important, stressful job" unlike my sibling. But still it's tiring at times and I don't have the bandwidth to be her listener so will work on doing less for her.

Mine does the same and just gets cross with it and everyone that try and help her 😅

I am a 50 minute drive from my mum and she expected me to taxi her to medical appointments, drop her dog off to places, pop in and chat with her etc when she was ill last year. I did it, begrudgingly, as I felt I had to and was worried that she was more ill than it turned out she was. But it made me so stressed and exhausted because I was trying to do it around part-time working and school age kids, plus guilt of her making me feel like it wasn't enough. Now she's better I've had to take a break from her for a while as I got 'caring fatigue' after a while and just ended up angry and resentful. I've had to promise myself that next time (and there will be a next time) I'll have to put better boundaries in place and refuse to do some stuff or shut her down if she guilt trips me. It is hard though. How do you know when they genuinely are unable to do anything, rather than just want the attention of being looked after?? I hope it's easier in a few years time when my kids are teenagers and I feel less 'sandwiched' as a carer!

I agree that we should be ‘enabling’ rather than ‘doing’. Teach them to use the App rather than make the appointments for them.

I really feel for your mum. It’s horrible getting old and you do lose your confidence. I lost my DH six months ago and I’m struggling with lack of confidence.

I think you should be kinder to her.

But shouldn't the mum also be kinder to the daughter, who lost her dad?

It’s really hard getting old and losing your confidence, that’s the difference.

Yes but rudeness is horrible. She threatened her solicitor on me because she didnt get her own way. They a fookin nightmare at times. I explained I cant be on road all week) she didnt like it

Tell her she can have a few lessons to learn how to do online grocery shopping. After that she either does shopping online or pays for a cab - you are no longer available.

ETA bet that is what your sibling told her

You will all be old, sooner than you think.

I hope that as I age my children encourage me to keep my independence and let me know about new ways to make that easier such as taxi apps and online food shopping.

I would encourage her to use the bus, if no suitable bus services near her she needs to move house to somewhere well served. You could also get her one of those trolly shopper things "For when I can't take you to do a big shop Mum" maybe you could take her once a month for a big shop and she could top up fresh bits in between.

Well if you keep being rude to your kids you will be lonely. Nobody should be taking bad behaviours

Grocery deliveries and taxis (other public transport if possible too).

I didn't have children so I could have unpaid careers.

Unfortunately this is the exact attitude that drove me away.

I cannot set myself on fire to keep someone else warm.

This! Why simply expect to ‘lose your confidence’? Keep mobile and learning new things -don’t just sink into torpor.

Sorry but my mum ‘loses her confidence’ too often for me to run every time she needs something. She has never properly addressed the reasons for this, just assumes that she’ll be looked after in her old age as she did to her own mum, the difference being she gave up work at 50 something so had all the time in the world.

I’m sorry for anyone struggling with getting older and don’t want to be unkind but they often expect too much of the generation below who are (in my case anyway) juggling stressful jobs that we won’t be able to retire from any time soon, our own kids and trying to keep our heads above water financially.

And it doesn't have to be Uber or taxi apps, you can still phone a taxi, just like you've been able to for decades.

She can get a taxi

She needs to get used to using taxis. Sorry mom I’m not able to get the time off, here’s a taxi number or the bus schedule.

Organise grocery deliveries. Has she no local shops? My dm liked her Tesco deliveries. You have got yourself a second job here!

I really think you have to say no and have a chat with her about independence. Has she no friends who can pick her up? Dm did drive for years but friends picked her up quite often. She had to give up the car in the end and that’s when I did more but I was not working. Had I been, it would have been taxis and self sufficiency. You can only do so much.