Dad end of life / coping with mum

[flowertoday]

Hello. I was wondering whether any mumsnetters are around who might understand/ have advice.
I am sitting in a hospice with my dad , he is end of life. I am away from my family staying with my mum who has mild but very definite dementia.
I am heartbroken to be losing my dad. It has been a tough few days , no siblings around to help. I also wonder how my mum is going to cope. I have LPOA and can organise help for her but he did everything for her. She is a very pampered lady who had all things provided, never had to pay a bill etc.
I wonder if anyone has experiences of how a surviving parent with dementia has coped. I worry mum will rapidly decline. I am probably worried about everything.

For now, you breathe.

When you're waiting for death your mind has time to focus on the what ifs and trying to future proof, but the truth is you won't know the situation until you get there.

So for now, I would try and focus on what your mind and body needs right now, so you're in the best shape to meet any challenges to come.

I'm truly sorry that you're passing vigil for your dad, but it speaks volumes that your thoughts are with your mum.

I’m so sorry. Losing your dad in these circumstances is extra hard. For now, concentrate on being with him.
The next step will be funeral arrangements and to organise how you leave your mum’s.

That’s care assessments, carers, things like that.

Could she stay with you briefly? Just to bridge the gap as you start to pull away? A few days at yours, a few at hers, a few with you visiting her, then a few with her alone again.

Thanks for your responses @myplace and @Timeforabiscuit . I am absolutely concentrating on my dad for now, sadly mum does not see the need to be with him and probably resents me being at the hospice. She has been to see him, but only tolerated a short visit. It is hard to explain why it is important to be with him so I have kept it light and am not putting pressure on her
She would not stay anywhere else , absolutely hates being away from home.

I have no doubt I will manage it all as we all have to. It is a bit lonely though xxx

It’s good that she likes being at home. Wishing you all the best for this bit of the journey. The hospice were great when we were losing Dad. They can be excellent at signposting the services you need for your mum as well. They are very familiar with the various complications around the family of their patient- they looked after us all, not just Dad.

I'm sorry, this is a hard situation for you. I would concentrate on your Dad for now, just being with him, talking to him and remembering happier times. Your Mum is OK for now. My PIL were in a home together for three years, we expected MIL to die first as she had a whole list of medical issues including dementia whereas FIL had Parkinsons. As it was, he went first, MIL was also a well kept woman, had not worked for many years, never paid a bill and had no idea of money management. When FIL died, we thought that she did not really understand, she kept saying that he must have gone out for a walk or out in the car even though he had been immobile and had not driven for years. Deep down though, she must have known and died 10 weeks after him. It may or may not be the same with your Mum. Please try and get some support for yourself and whatever support your Mum needs, do not try and manage everything for her yourself, even though you think you have to.

I’d talk to the hospice staff. They are usually great teams and may have a bereavement person who could be a good resource.

I’m so sorry about your DF, those days in the Hospice are hard but I’m glad I got to spend them with my DF.

Our DM was also reluctant to see him, but then complained afterwards that she had no idea what was going on and that he was dying.

You've had some great advice on here already. I think talking to the Hospice staff is a good idea. I’d also request a Care Needs Assessment for your Mum but ask to be there when it’s done as your DM is unlikely to be aware of just how much assistance she’ll need.

OP I'm so sorry about your dad. Although of course he should be your focus at this point, it's also very sensible that you're thinking ahead to what comes next for your mum. (This is a theoretical prospect that worries me - what would happen to my dependent mum if my dad were suddenly to die or become unable to take care of her. This happened to a friend of mine - a totally sudden and unexpected death of the caring partner - so it's something I think about quite a bit.) My mum is also in the early stages of dementia.

Do you think your mum would be capable of living alone at home, with support? Or are you able to have her to live with you for a while? I've come to the conclusion that, hard as it seems, I wouldn't want my mum to come to me in those circumstances, as I would fear it could become a long term arrangement (and I'm out all day at work anyway, so not sure it would really help). I think I'd need to take some emergency leave from work to try to organise supported living as quickly as possible. But your mum may be at an early enough stage where she could cope with some lighter support.

I'm so sorry you're facing this situation, and wish you all the best. I hope your father's end is as peaceful as it can be.

X

Thank you to everyone for the replies. As always with MN helpful advice and a bit of solidarity when needed most. 🙏🙏🙏

Sadly my mum is not a nice person at all and she will be hard to support. She has autistic traits but also behaviours and ways of being strongly suggestive of personality disorder. She isn't someone who anyone could have to live with them. Very stark perhaps but best to be realistic. Not something I would ever even attempt. I would have had my dad to live with us, he is very different .

For now I remain with my dad and will have to take things one day or even one hour at a time .

Sounds very much like my situation.

My DM sounds very similar. You have my torso sympathy