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Elderly parents

Just left DF in nursing home feel so guilty 😔

14 replies

Totallybannanas · 23/07/2025 13:38

I have posted a lot recently, 3 mths ago df was diagnosed with terminal stage 4 oesophagus cancer. He lost alot of weight and had a stent fitted to help him eat. I went sick and popped in daily, we had a carer the morning who wasn't really doing alot and dad was relying on me heavily. He convinced himself and me that he was only going to last a few weeks. He was tired and psychologically struggling and waiting for death and became very needy and dependent. Even getting us to do things he could probably do himself. Every pain, nausea symptom he would be ringing the nurse. He then became very agitated and confused and after a stay in the hospice to manage symptoms, he slowly declined physically and became more dependent on nurses for personal care. He also had a few falls whilst in their care. However, he is now stable and mental health seems to be a lot better. He was discharged to a nursing home as they felt his needs would be better met there and he was safer then home. I didn't want him to go into nursing care as felt residential would be better as he still has his facilities. We were offered 3 choices and we chose one out of the 3. However, I feel at this stage he is out of place. I feel awful leaving him there, absolutely awful. However, of he went home with a care package I cannot maintain the level of care and support I was giving before. He was just too needy and dependent, whilst actually still being quite capable physically just not mentally. I think he hoped he would die quickly and I could care for him, however that's not been the case and it's now been 3 intense months. I just feel so guilty but feel he has also brought their on alot sooner then he needed as he never helped himself.

OP posts:
Totallybannanas · 23/07/2025 13:43

Also just add yesterday was the first time I actually recognised him, he didn't boss me around or complain about pain or anything. This isn't the person I have been seeing the last few weeks, who became child like and dependent. Did he just put alot of it on? Also to add he told me he couldn't cope at home, I think he was hoping I would say I would move in and do everything and I can't commit to that.

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PermanentTemporary · 23/07/2025 13:46

You sound really distressed @Totallybannanas 💔- is part of you now allowing yourself to be upset at the situation now he’s not fighting so hard?

It might be worth sitting and writing a list of pros and cons to the situation right now. Don’t underestimate the release for you in just knowing at least that the absolute basics are covered whether you go or not. But then you start feeling guilty at that reduction in weight…

SockFluffInTheBath · 23/07/2025 16:16

He is safe and warm, and being cared for by professionals. You’re back to being his daughter. He sees he has lost his independence, but in reality that happened a long time ago. Be extremely kind to yourself. Whether it feels like it or not, you have done the right thing for him.

unsync · 23/07/2025 16:17

It's the best thing for everyone, you need to keep telling yourself this. You are not obliged to be someone's carer if you don't want to.

Having someone else looking after him means that your relationship can now go back to what it should be. You can now spend the time he has left as his daughter and not his carer. You have your father back. Make the most of the time you have left together and leave the heavy lifting to someone else.

(I've been live in carer for my parent for six years now and it wears you down).

Totallybannanas · 23/07/2025 18:47

Thank you everyone, he's already saying he wants to go home with a care package and he would be happier at home. I feel the last few weeks he has run me ragged, just because he has cancer he feels he can't do anything for himself. But actually he could probably do more then he thinks! I don't have POA and he has capacity so I don't know what will happen now.

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IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 23/07/2025 18:50

You ask if he was putting a lot of it on - I would say the opposite. That being rational and uncomplaining was a supreme effort for him. Two days before my mum went off in an ambulance we had "guests" - my daughter's boyfriend's family came round to say hello for the first time. Mum was the ultimate hostess, sitting on her "throne" and involved in the conversation. But when they left she was a shadow of herself, confused, depressed, demanding.

Whatever the future holds, however long it's for you need strength for yourself. There is only so much that you can do and it sounds like you have done it all. Allow yourself to rest now as you start being his daughter again instead of his carer.

Cowparsley1 · 23/07/2025 18:53

OP, that sounds really tough! I 100% know my dad would do the same as he’s always like that when he has a blip with his health, he runs my poor mum and us kids ragged looking after him, doing stuff he’s perfectly capable of doing himself. If he’s suddenly decided he’s capable then yes, I’d feel like he was putting it on these last few weeks, which must be really jarring!

I think he’s in the best place tbh as he’s likely to deteriorate at some point soon and he’ll need more care than you can give.

I would feel guilty too but you have no reason to, he’s being looked after and cared for and you might find in a few days he starts to enjoy it!

Timeandtune · 23/07/2025 18:58

My late mum had some of the best years of her life in a nursing home. We visited regularly but the relief of knowing she was well looked after 24/7 was immense.
Your dad may well be unsettled at first but you need to give it time.

crumblingschools · 23/07/2025 19:03

Is there a reason you don’t have POA?

Totallybannanas · 23/07/2025 19:03

Thank you, I think initially he was really unwell but he then just became dependent on me. And then feel into patient role, he even hady brother doing stuff for him and the nursery said he can that himself. It's all very bizarre. He only got diagnosed 3 mths ago, and everyday he would say he could feel the life slipping away from him and that he didn't have long. And yet here we are...

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Talkinpeace · 23/07/2025 19:06

You are his daughter again, not his carer.
He is safe and you can visit him as an equal.

Get LPA while he is lucid.

jay55 · 23/07/2025 19:26

Sorry you’re going through this. Sharing his care with the home will keep you sane. You can do a much better job of being his emotional support while the rest of his needs are being taken care of.

My dad had the same shitty cancer and the first lot of treatment seemed to zap all his confidence, and like yours became needy and childlike.

Heathlands1981 · 23/07/2025 20:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

BunnyRuddington · 25/07/2025 09:01

Sorry, I have no idea how I post that gibberish. Will ask for it to be removed.

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