Will SS step in?

[Treehugger14]

DH and I do not live in the UK, but I am from the UK originally. By coincidence, mil is also in the UK. Around 15 years ago she met an elderly British man online who needed a companion, cook, cleaner and he moved her over there. They never married.

We have never really warmed to this man for many reasons. He is very self centered and stingy with his money, and if we wanted to meet with mil when we were visiting the UK it had to fit in with his plans or didn’t happen.

Unfortunately, mil has become increasingly unwell over the years. First with a serious ulcer which required a colostomy bag. Then with Parkinson’s. And now unfortunately dementia. Her partner still insisted on her caring for him (cooking cleaning etc) in the early days but that obviously could not continue. It is she who needs round the clock care.

On our last visit we realized how bad things had become. She is very confused, cannot walk without assistance from two people, is having hallucinations in the night. A friend from her own country lives in the same UK village and is caring for her when she can. That seems to be all she is getting. Her partner also makes her sleep on the sofa because she wakes him in the night with her shaking and refuses to buy her a bed. He has also taken her bank cards. Mil had some savings but we have no idea if they exist or not.

We have spoken to her partner and asked him to organize better care or consider moving her to a home but he shuts that down and insists she is better off with him. Since mil is confused and her English is getting worse, he does all the communicating for her, acting as her husband although he is not. Sometimes he calls her his wife, but this is not true. Last time she was in hospital my dh flew over there and spoke to the consultant to explain he was actually the next of kin and it should be him informed of the situation and decisions because we didn’t feel like we were getting the true information from mils partner. He speaks to you in riddles and rhymes so you can never get a real answer.

Last night we got a call from the daughter of the woman who cares for mil occasionally. She said they got a call at 5am from mil in distress. They went and mil was soiled on the floor, having fallen. Mils partner was there but refused to get up. He hadn’t given her medication for days and she was dehydrated and confused. They asked for her card to get her a bed and he refused and kicked them out.

My dh has submitted a form via the local SS website but I’m not sure this is enough

However, if we fly to the UK he might just refuse to let us in. And then where do we take her? We cannot take her back with us as she has no right to live in our country. We could return to her own country, but we would need access to her funds to pay for care there and we have no idea what’s happened with her money. We also could realistically go for one week max because we have jobs and kids in school here.

We just don’t know what to do for the best

Ask your MIL's friend to call the Ambulance and the Police if similar happens again.
If you could visit, you should contact the local Police.
You need to gain information. Your MIL needs better care.

Is MIL still dehydrated and on the floor? MIL needs ambulance now. Being stuck on the floor is very serious and untreated is fatal.

DH needs to speak to the hospital and SS. This will take longer than a week to sort.

What is MIL immigration status?

Mils friends are refugees from Ukraine. They do not speak good English themselves and only arrived in the UK a few years ago. They seem intimidated by mils partner and I’m not sure if they would have the confidence to ring the police or know what their rights are. However, I will get my husband to call them and explain their options.

If we go to UK and contact the police, what could happen? Mil will be incredibly confused. Her partner will portray a completely different scenario, as he has done in hospital with the staff there. Will they remove mil from the home, even if she has nowhere else to go? If he has taken all her money over the years, can we prove he stole it and realistically get it back to pay for her care?

We have a limited time we can spend in the UK to help in person, so it needs to be organized and thought through.

Do SS respond to these forms people submit and take them seriously? Would it make sense to ask police to do a welfare check and then if they see the situation could it accelerate things with SS?

I think we may have crossed posted is MIL still on the floor?

Yes they do respond but might not get to the form quickly if they have a backlog/ not sense the urgency. It'd be better to follow up with a phone call, Google 'adult social care phone number ' for the area she lives in and use the phrase 'safeguarding issue'

Just to clarify mils friend and daughter got her back onto the sofa, changed her colostomy bag, put her in new clothes, gave her medication and something to eat/drink and demanded her card so they could go get supplies and a proper bed. So she is safe now, but it could happen any other night, and these women are concerned about her overall treatment and wellbeing, rightly so.

I can understand somewhat that he didn’t hand over the card, but mil trusts these people and was happy for them to take it to get her the things she needs. Surely with it being mils savings, it should be her choice. Everyone is now concerned he has spent everything and there is nothing left, and he won’t give her the basic things she needs to live comfortably.

DH need to contact the local police force, explain what is happening and request a
welfare check. You can do this online but I would try calling them if that is an option.

I also think he needs to call social services. There will be a 24 hour emergency helpline number.

Sounds odd that he was able to “move her to UK”. On what basis did she move? What visa did she have? Was it no recourse to public funds? Is she actually legally resident in UK. I ask because it is - and always has been - very difficult to move an unmarried partner or domestic servant to UK. Are you absolutely certain they never married?

Has she worked outside her partner’s home? Paid tax? National Insurance etc? Is she getting state benefits? A carer package? Who is paying for that?

I would refer the two of them to the LA adult social care team. It sounds as if neither is coping. They will then be able to advise on next steps.

She has dual nationality, one for Ukraine and another for a country in Eastern Europe. She has lived in both countries, my dh was raised in Europe.

Before brexit she was able to move and worked as a cleaner while also doing the domestic work for her partner. We could take her back to her country in Eastern Europe if she has the funds. A care home there is around 2k a month for a very high standard.

He would have never married her as she would have a claim to his money. He is wealthy but stingy.

Please don’t turn this into a debate about mils right to be in the UK. She has worked, paid NI, and probably would be happy to leave and escape this situation (If she could still advocate for herself) and go back to her home town in Europe, obviously she cannot go to Ukraine, but her partner wants to keep her and is blocking us from taking her back.

We suspect her partner is claiming some sort of carers allowance for her despite not doing any caring, and doesn’t want to lose any money he is still able to milk from her. She gets a British pension, which he probably is also taking from her.

If you believe she is being abused or her safety and wellbeing is being compromised, then a safeguarding referral will result in SS getting involved. Ideally her friend and friend’s daughter should have called 999 regarding her fall and had checked by medics. Presumably her p would not allow carers. Does anyone have poa? Age UK is a good source of advice.

Thanks for good ideas so far:
Follow up with SS via telephone
Call age UK
Talk to her friends about calling ambulance/police if a similar situation happens again

This sounds like an abusive relationship. I agree that you should speak to Age UK. Can one of you go to the UK to observe how she is being treated and get proper advice on her care.

I’m not asking about her status because I think she should leave the UK. Im just wondering what SS outcome would be. It maybe that they decide that she is too unwell too travel so it maybe in her best interests to stay here.

Sound like DH may need to come to UK to get it sorted but it will take longer than a week. Does MIL want to leave the situation? Is she recieving medical care for her parkinsons.

It all sounds very stressful. I hope you get it sorted.

Can you ask a Parkinson’s nurse to visit? They and also occupational therapy, neurophysio and district nurses can supply a hospital bed free of charge and also ask for a care needs assessment, and also raise any safeguarding concerns with social services.

If you Google "adult social care services" for the area where your MIL is located, you should be able to get a number to contact, including for out of hours if needed. My experience (a couple of years back) when I needed to urgently get hold of social services on a Sunday afternoon was actually quite good, and I was able to get hold of a sensible person so fingers crossed this is the case for your area.
Am I right in thinking your MIL hasn't applied for settled status? Technically the deadline passed 4 years ago but there is an exemption as stated
https://www.gov.uk/settled-status-eu-citizens-families/eligibility

• "you have ‘reasonable grounds’ for why you’re applying now, and not by the deadline or in the time since the deadline passed

Sorry to hear things are so difficult right now.

This is abuse. Speak to age UK. Your best getting her into a care home, the appropriate way would to be get her admitted to hostipal. Your dh takes responsibility of next of kin and get her a care home place. Do not let her go back to that house, it sounds horrible but she could end up dead with the lack of care.
also contact her bank & make them aware the “partner” and i use that term loosely has taken her cards, get them cancelled.

I think mil has settled status as she has continued to use the nhs free of charge, receive her pension, etc. However her partner has “been in charge” for a long time and we struggle to get information out of him. He has a way of talking that avoids him answering any questions but making it seem like he has answered. When mil still had her mind she would just trust him to make decisions.
She has Parkinson’s support and is regularly in hospital for different reasons, but will they be visiting the house? I think her partner gives a very misleading impression when dealing with hcps than with us, mil, mils friends.
I definitely think it’s an abusive relationship. He’s been isolating her from us for a while. We are not allowed in the house so have to organize alternative accommodation. He won’t bring her to see us. He tries to obstruct contact. Luckily mil still has her phone so dh rings her every evening and she can speak to dh in her own language which her partner cannot understand. Unfortunately now she’s so confused what she tells us isn’t always reality either.

You really do need to get her out of that situation. She is very vulnerable. Does she have any assets of her own, either in the UK or overseas?

As others have said you need to act, and act quickly. This definitely hits safeguarding criteria but also potentially modern slavery, coercive control and domestic abuse criteria. Call the Police, your MiL GP and Social services. Quote neglect, safeguarding and serious concerns for her safety and get her out of there. You need to push for this otherwise she will fall down the list.

Call the local Social Services adult safeguarding team and tell them she is a vulnerable adult who you suspect is being financially and physically abused. Say you think she lacks capacity but can be lucid at times.

Tell them about the language issues and they should be able to find interpreters. Give them the contact info of the people who helped her. Tell them she is not safe despite the smooth talking of this man as his actions have not been in her best interests.

This may well also be a police matter if he was aware she was unwell, dehydrated and had fallen and he did not render aid himself or call emergency services. Assuming he has capacity that is deliberate neglect /with holding care is a safeguarding matter.