Useless golden child sibling is obsessed with inheritance

[Dropthepilots]

Just need to vent before I explode.
DM is in her nineties, living in very supported accommodation. She’s now very frail and increasingly confused, having been amazingly sharp until fairly recently.
My DB lives abroad and has always been the golden child, never has to get involved in anything medical or practical, and DM puts on a good front when talking to him. So DB thinks she’s more able and well than she really is. I get the unedited version, I’m happy to help but it is hard and stressful at times and restrictive in terms of when we can go away etc
DB is obsessed with what he clearly sees as “his” inheritance and has made some pretty poor financial decisions based on the anticipation of an inheritance. He is also obsessed with avoiding inheritance tax, which he talks about in front of DM.
I just find it very hard not to get annoyed with him, I know there’s no point and he doesn’t see anything wrong with his attitude. When the time comes it will be yours truly sorting everything out on top of the obvious grief, I can guarantee he will have minimal input.
As I said, just a vent but it’s so hard to tolerate and not react.

Will there be any inheritance left if she is paying for her care? It might come as a nasty shock to your DB.

Well indeed, I have always seen any inheritance as purely theoretical as you just don’t know what will happen. It just upsets me that my focus is trying to keep DM safe and looked after, but his seems to be on how quickly and how much money he’d get. Despite this DB can do no wrong, of course!

I would be annoyed at him! Id talk to him (away from your mum of course) about this. It's disgusting! Your mum is lucky to have you.

I can totally sympathise with being the only one doing the caring role, but I would be furious if my sibling was so heartless as to go on about inheritance. It's so callous. Also highly annoying that your mum thinks the sun shines out of him. Unfortunately that's how it often goes, the one who does nothing is celebrated whilst the one doing all the thankless tasks gets totally taken for granted. I hope you can look after yourself in all this because you deserve a break and to have your own needs taken care of as well. Ignore your brother, he's an ass!

I wouldn’t risk talking to him. If he gets a sniff that he might miss out on his inheritance due to DM care costs he might try and convince her into a cheaper/worse option. He’s clearly a useless twit but you’re better off ignoring him at this point. It must be exhausting and very frustrating for you though.

I would stop talking to her, if her needs are increasing likeky shell need a care home soon which will eat into the inheritance.

I’m not against talking about inheritance tax avoidance - we’ve had many such discussions with my parents but they are only in their mid-70s and in good health. It sounds like your mum is well past that point, and any attempts to pass on her assets would be seen as intentional deprivation - that ship has sailed. Your brother isn’t aware of this ?

Talking about inheritance in the presence of the person you are expecting to inherit from is incredibly rude, unless that person raises the subject. It's effectively saying 'why don't you die already?'

Yes it’s so cold to talk about it in front of her, to be fair she doesn’t seem to be too upset by it (as it’s him) but I am! When the shit hits the fan and she can’t stay safe where she is it will be me doing my best to find a solution, and the costs will reduce the potential inheritance but I’m fine with that.

It depends on the context. Both my sister and I talk with my parents about wills, inheritance planning etc. They are very open about it, as I will be with my children. My parents want to pass what they can on to my sister and I to avoid inheritance tax, while keeping enough back to cover their future needs. They can only make a best guess at what these needs might be. So if I read something in the news or online that touches on these subjects, I’ll raise it with my parents because I know it’s in line with their wishes They aren’t offended.

the OPs situation is pretty different though.

Do you have poa? If not, please sort as soon as possible to make the best decisions re dm.

I agree with this.

You dont want him doing it so he can have access to her finances and make sure she gets the cheapest shittest care possible. It would also open her up to him stealing her money.

Yes I have POA (both health and financial). Much as DB infuriates me I don’t think he’d do anything to undermine care for DM. It’s just the annoyance of doing the unglamorous caring and supporting for my DM while he does feck all but is still the boy wonder. I’m just having a whinge here so I don’t in real life!

Have you considered, every time he raises it, replying with “I doubt mum has left you anything given that I’m doing all of the caring on my own “ !!!!!

She probably doesn’t want to acknowledge her son’s disinterest in her/interest in his inheritance. My db lives abroad, never comes to see our parents and everything will fall to me. Thats bad enough but if I ever heard him mention his inheritance that would push me over the edge.

Why don’t you have a whinge to him in real life?

Even though he lives remotely he could still pick up some of the burden - online shopping perhaps- and occasionally come over so you can get a break.

I personally think it’s incredibly rude to discuss inheritance unless the person brings it up themselves. To be frank it’s very presumptuous too, my grandmother left £85k out of £230k to charity which was a uprise but totally her prerogative. If they bring it up, that’s different- on the other hand I think LPAs etc need to be brought up if the other person doesn’t .

Coming from a family that constantly talked about death, funerals, wills and inheritance it never bothers me nor do I think of it as inappropriate in itself (wrote my first will aged 18 as a result), but even in my family there are ways to do it and ways not to, and if it’s upsetting someone you’re with, you’re doing it wrong. So you’re allowed to say to him that YOU find it infuriating.

Also the reaction of an elderly frail person to the child they never see, as opposed to the boring old bad-news bearer they see all the time, can REALLY hurt, just saying. Nothing you can do except have a wry smile to yourself (and vent here).

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Are you joint POAs? Make sure you stand your ground to enable the correct decisions to be made.