I don’t want to be my mum’s therapist

[Brownbearwhitebear]

DM is 80ish, lives with her husband who’s not in good health about 2 hours from me. They had the chance to move closer but have chosen not to - I can’t move to work and family commitments .

I’m gradually getting her to accept that by choosing to live far away she can’t expect me to help with practical things - lifts etc - too much but she still insists on relying on me for emotional support, calling at random times (which always makes me think there’s some emergency) to run things by me. I find myself telling her how to put in boundaries or deal with situations and I feel more like a therapist than a daughter - sadly that’s been the case for most of my life.

Do I just have to accept that I can’t help with day to day practicalities but I have to do something and this is it? She doesn’t have many close friends and prefers talking to me than my sibling 🤦🏻

No you don’t have to accept this but if you have been doing this for most of your life, you cannot make your mother change what she demands of you of her own accord.. You can change how you respond to her. Your options include: not answering the phone as often; cutting her off after talking for a few minutes; generally, not being as helpful, interested and kind!

I’m speaking from my experience with my mother, which sounds similar to yours. Something that made me change was realising my own very serious health condition simply wasn’t going to stand up to to 20 or 30 more years of acting as her therapist. I also felt that I would want to do more for her if she reached extreme old age ( which she now has) and I couldn’t do the baseline care for an extremely elderly person which I’d want to do as a daughter, if I was still acting as her therapist.

She didn’t like it when I first changed towards her, of course, but she did get used to it and seems to have become both more resilient, and better at forming supportive relationships with others.

Yes, you can put boundaries in place for what you’re prepared to deal with over the phone and what you’re not.

Mine is similar as was constantly bothering me with tiny inconsequential things, whilst I have a demanding job and children! She didn’t want to bother my sibling (he’s male, so very busy ) or have that kind of conversation with her friends. I know when you’re elderly tiny inconsequential things can seem like a big deal but that doesn’t mean I’ve got the bandwidth to deal with them.

Work out when you are available and only answer the phone then. It’s easier if they phone your mobile as I think landlines have fewer options for doing this automatically. I have my phone set so it doesn’t notify me she’s called or left a message within work/commuting hours. And I don’t answer if I’m doing something with my children, having a meal, reading bedtime stories etc.

She was not happy about this at first, but has had to adjust. It’s made my life a lot more enjoyable and my children are happier. It’s up to her if she rings someone else or just wallows in it.

Set times for contact can help, as can getting in first. I ring from the car on the here/there wherever. Gives me some control, she feels I care, and reduces the number of additional times she rings.

There are consequences to decisions they have made. 🤷🏼‍♀️

You don't HAVE to do anything. Has she been a good mother to you? Does she want the best for you? Would she be there if you needed her? If yes I would say say try to do what you can. If no ... well it would be understandable that you might not want to do too much.

Did she move 2 hours from you or you from her?

I've recently discovered the joys of the mute button. Mum usually WhatsApps and rarely phones so I'm not getting constant notifications popping up from her. I felt guilty at first then realised it was freeing in a small way.

She means to be a good mum, that’s not quite the same as actually being. And while she’d always be there for me there’d definitely be strings attached.

I moved away from where I grew up years ago as there are no jobs in my line there. Now I have roots here whereas they also moved but to a different place no nearer to me.