The After: Follow on from being exhausted waiting.

[Lidlisthebusiness]

I was on the "Waiting for someone to die" thread, and have seen a few updates lately, including one who thought similarly about a new thread for those of us who are now finished waiting, and are living in the after. So here it is. Hopefully a thread for support after loss, especially for those of us who don't have that in real life.

I'm sorry for everyone who has suffered this loss, and send thoughts of comfort to you.
I am 12 weeks in to this now. 12 weeks without my Mum. It still seems impossible that it happened at all. We just passed the 1yr date of her having the original stroke, and I've barely accepted that happened, nevermind her dying. I haven't fully taken on board she's gone as I was straight back in to looking after my family and caring for my dementia sufferer Dad, I've not had a moment to just sit with it.

I've found it hard that since the funeral, no one has been in touch. No one has checked in on me. Even before the funeral, it was all very much focussed on how my Dad was coping. I have my husband, but he works away and so I am quite on my own, apart from my children. A couple of weeks after Mum died, my best friend of 20 years said she'd booked a place and was coming to see me. I needed that visit so badly, and then she cancelled last minute. No mention of rearranging. I can't bring myself to reply to her messages. The hurt and disappointment that she let me down at such a time feels immense on top of dealing with everything else.

My baby rolled over for the first time this week, and I had no one to tell, she would've been so excited.

@Lidlisthebusiness Thank you so much for setting up this page. I'm so sorry about your Mum and can imagine how hard it must be not being able to share important milestones about your baby or have someone you can turn to for advice. It is really hurtful when people let you down as is the sense you're supposed to be 'over it and moving forward' once the funeral is over.

I've felt worse as time's gone on particularly now that I've dealt with much of the admin side of things. Now there's just the sale of my Dad's house to conclude. I dread the day when I hand the keys over.

Thanks for setting this thread up and so sorry you are having a tough time. My mum died just over 3 months ago and I took on all the “death admin”, which did a great job of making me too busy to feel. That’s pretty much over now but I don’t seem to be able to grieve still. I’ve not properly cried really. I seem to have put it all in a box and shut the lid firmly.

I keep catching myself thinking “I should call her” - it’s like my brain hadn’t actually processed that she’s gone.

Big hugs all round x

I’m sorry for your loss and the painful actions of your friend. Most people don’t “get it” and carry on with their own lives. My dad died in January and I still think of him everyday. Like another poster, I haven’t cried yet.

So grateful that you set up this page, a place that those of us who have “graduated” can put down how we feel and know that other people will understand.
My DM passed in February (where has that time gone?) after several years suffering from cancer. I’d stayed with her during that time and am finding it hard now that all the admin etc is completed. I’m another person who hasn’t really cried and constantly think “I must remember to tell Mom …..”.
lt’s been made harder as just a couple of weeks after her death, my DH was diagnosed with dementia so it feels as if I’ve moved from one form of caring to another with barely a break. Luckily, our children and their families are very supportive and I have some good friends to chat to but my sympathies go out to those who are more alone.

Hi everyone

I was on the waiting thread at the start of this year.

Mum had dementia for about 13 years, the last two were very hard. Then the last six months she was bedbound which was just awful as she'd been an active woman. Then when she couldn't swallow any more there was an agonising fourteen days as she died without ever understanding that that was happening.

I think I'm traumatised by it all. During her last two weeks she'd be asking for her meals or a drink totally unaware that she couldn't eat or drink. It was horrific. She kept crying out, where's my dinner, have I had my dinner, why haven't I had my dinner. And she just couldn't swallow anything, so I just had to wait it out, pretending to her that she had eaten. It seemed endless.

I'm an only child, divorced, no children, my parents were divorced and my dad died a few years ago.

Between Mum dying and her memorial gathering, I coped fairly well. I was relieved it was all over. She wasn't suffering, I wasn't the total wreck of myself that I'd become over the last years. I organised a lovely memorial, exactly the right people came, it was lovely.

Ever since, I've just been numb, and am coping really badly. We were very close, she lived with me, she was the only person who loved and accepted me unconditionally.

And now, with her gone, I've got nobody. It's so hard. I've got a cat who keeps me going, but I feel incredibly lonely now.

I miss her so much.

GokdenSpraint that sounds so hard and so lonely. Is counselling an option, to be able to talk?

Be kind to yourself and cuddle the cat xx

@GoldenSpraint I can imagine how hard it must be for you having no one to share things with. I think counselling can sometimes help but getting the right person can be a lottery. I’ve found it helps to plan a few nice things to do and small treats but I do have my husband to plan and do things with which makes a massive difference. I enjoy outdoor activities and have a dog to walk which ensures I have to go out. I’m also an only child and can appreciate how stressful sorting everything out on your own is.

Thank you.

I've had all sorts of talking therapies in the past and feel talked out to be honest.

It's not really something I want to do.

I think I just need time. One of the hardest things is that, after 13 years of being her carer, with it being very intense in the last few, I feel adrift without that, even though I desperately wanted it to end.

Adjusting is really difficult.

I do have things planned, so I think over time I'll be able to adjust and move forwards. It's just on a day to day basis it's so hard.

However, thinking back to how I was in the beginning, I cried a lot, every day, several times a day. I'm a little better on that now. So I think for me, it's just taking a while.

I've been ill recently for about a month which hasn't helped - I feel drained. I think being ill is a delayed reaction to the whole thing.

But thank you for your kind words @AgitatedGoose , I remember you from the waiting thread, as we were waiting around the same time. Thanks @redblonde too.

I've got one last thing to do which is contact the Land Registry to transfer our house just into my name.

I've been putting it off. Oh, and rewriting my will.

I think I need to bite the bullet and get on with those. I've just not been keen to remove Mum's name from either, but I need to otherwise I may be creating potential problems for other people!

I do feel better today.

Thank you for this thread.

It is just so hard. Im just over 2 months in and I hate it. Whilst I am glad mam is no longer suffering, and the caring was so stressful, I hate this more than anything.

I am another who is totally alone now. Only child, mam was a single parent. She was the youngest of her siblings and no other family live in this country. So it's just me.

I was kept very busy after she died with the funeral arrangements and other things (waiting on one last piece of paperwork). But then my first 'first' hit. Sunday before last was my 40th birthday. I tried to distract myself but it hurt. Then I woke up on the Monday and was like 'how do I do this every day for the rest of my life'.

I am also (through necessity) basically gutting the house, and I feel like an awful person. Like I am erasing her from the house.

I also need to find a job, after five and a half years out of work caring for her. I don't know where to even start. Plus, I neglected myself and my health (I have permanent chronic illnesses) when putting her first, so I don't know what I am able to do anymore. But I cannot survive on the little my income has dropped to since she died.

I am just finding this all so hard and lonely.

I'm a year on yesterday from selling DPs house, 2 years since DM died. I drove past the family home yesterday (to be nosy) and the new family have made it look like a loved home again which is comforting. I had to stop for a funeral cortege coming along DMs road - someone elses family going through grief and driving past their own family home on their relatives last journey. It made me realise how far I'd come in the last year or so. I did have a tear in my eye, but good memories of happier times with DPs and our DC bubble up and I try to remember and appreciate those.

Thank you for this thread
My mum passed away on 3rd June - 4 weeks from diagnosis of brain cancer mets, one week spent at her hospital bed 24/7 in that strange place where I desperately didnt want her to go but also desperately wanted her to be at peace

I have absolutely not processed the experience, I had no idea what end of life care was or that when they said 24 hours, they actually meant 7 days

Day to day is hard, we were a very small family and she was the last of her siblings living, so it can really feel like I have no one at all now

I dont think I have processed it, its something im just trying to deal with the best I can

Sending love to everyone else who is in this position, its really just horrible

Thanks everyone for coming over.

@AgitatedGoose thank you, it's just so disappointing. I know some have said how lonely they are and they genuinely have no family, I have a brother and sister but even so, neither have been in touch since the funeral. We live on the other side of the country to them, and Mum and Dad moved here a few years ago so I had Mum in my life daily then, and it very much feels like an out of sight out of mind situation with them.

@GoldenSpraint I'm sorry you're so lost. My Dad has dementia, though we're only 3 years past diagnosis, the decline in the last few months is very noticeable. Do you have friends around you to hold you up?

@PotterHead1985 I too hate this new world I'm living in without Mum. My heart broke when she died, she was my constant. My cheerleader and the very best Nannie my children could ever have. I'm sorry so many don't have family to offer support at tines like these.

Thank you for the new thread, sending good wishes to everyone feeling adrift after losing their loved one. Eight months today my DM died, the admin has been completed and my DF is coping well being at home on his own. I visit often, at least five times a week. I’m the only one that visits and the only one that does anything to help. I accept this and I do it because I love him and he has no one else to help. But I do wish occasionally someone would pop in and see him, the initial flurry of well wishers/visitors declined very quickly after DMs funeral. When people ask after him they never ask how Im doing. Im not really sure what im trying to say but it can be very isolating being the sole person looking after someone whilst grieving for the person you have lost. Look after yourselves and keep sharing your thoughts.