Struggling and feeling resentful

[MrsMontez]

I am a carer for one of my family members and see her daily. (Not relevant to what I am going to ask but thought I should mention incase people say ‘visit less often’ which isn’t possible at the moment as she don’t accept outside help.)

If something is lost/goes wrong, the blame is instantly put on me e.g. “I’ve lost the tv remote, where did you put it?” This is despite me not touching it or watching the tv!
“x is broken. How did you break it?” (Didn’t touch it!!)

I don't remember her being like this in her younger years but it feels so toxic to be around now. (No dementia, but a lot of health issues which affect her general health and mobility).

I have called her out on it but it’s not helped.
nyone got any suggestions on changing this or a better way to deal with it?

I do find the daily caring difficult and I get resentful. I am a single parent to two young children and it takes its toll with this in top. My brother is around but refuses to do a lot of the care tasks e.g. helping with washing and dressing. The house is a mess as he makes a lot to mess but doesn’t clean it up (says his mental health doesn’t allow it).

He’s away for the whole of September and I’m dreading it. Trying to settle both of mine back into school and nursery whilst working myself and then having to do all this on top. I don’t know how I’m going to do it.

This sounds like a nightmare. There are carer charities which can allocate someone to give you some regular carer support by phone, you may find that helpful. Age uk also have a helpline xx

I know you said no dementia but this is really common in people with dementia.

they forget where they put stuff and rather than imagine they forgot they blame other people.

carers are often accused of eg stealing money, moving things, etc.

not sure I have any advice.

Your relative not accepting external carers is selfish.

Your brother is also taking the piss.

You absolutely need to step back and focus on your own kids.

It sounds like you are a kind person who is being taken advantage of.

Have you had this lady assessed for care needs by your local council? There will be a department which can deploy assessors and occupational therapists to see how the relative and therefore you, can be helped.
Get onto the county council website or ring the general number to be put through to see what’s available. It might come to nothing but you might feel more empowered if you feel there’s an authority walking beside you.
How about contacting AgeUk too? They are a source of information you might find useful.

All of this. So brother still lives with her?

I am a carer for one of my family members and see her daily. (Not relevant to what I am going to ask but thought I should mention incase people say ‘visit less often’ which isn’t possible at the moment as she don’t accept outside help.)

One doesn't automatically lead to the other. She doesn't accept outside help does not equal MrsMontez does everything.

She can choose not to accept outside help.
You can choose to only visit 2 or 3 times a week - or whatever fits in with your life.
If she doesn't like that then she can accept help from elsewhere OR make do without help. Then accept help from elsewhere when she realises you aren't kidding.

Why does your brother get a pass, and you don't? Seriously, why are you accepting this shit?

I don’t know how I’m going to do it.
Instead of asking how, try asking why? I don’t know WHY I’m going to do it.
Why are you accepting their totally selfish behaviour, and putting you and your kids at the bottom of the priority list?

Then don’t do it. She’s choosing not to accept outside help. That’s her choice, doesn’t mean you have to step in to do it.
You won’t have time to do it in September so now is the time to set
boumdaries so you only go once a week (or whatever is practical) in September.

My 87 year old mother does this “blaming” thing too. Eg. if I spill some water on a hard floor you’d think something terrible had happened and the implication is she would never do something so foolish as that! A whole day of various digs or blaming. It’s very annoying and I sometimes leave feeling quite angry. However I do this about once a month and am retired!!!

What you describe sounds total madness OP. You will do yourself some harm carrying on this way. A visit once a week or fortnight sounds fine to me. Her live-in son can do some care work. If not can she pay for it/ get social services help?YOU have a job and young children. You, your children, your job come first.

ps. She’s unlikely to change much. But putting in boundaries can limit the impact. I find people like your mother seem to only respect people who do the minimum for them 🤷‍♀️. The work horses they treat poorly. Also, how old is she? As you have young children, I assume she is not very old so you may have a long road ahead with her, so it would be very wise to get your boundaries in rock solid now. If you are able to access some counselling support, that may help you to start to put boundaries in place.

You mentioned “calling her out”. Personally, I don’t find that particularly helpful. Least in my case, it tends to lead to arguments, though your mother may be different.

Clear boundaries are much more effective in my opinion e.g. no, I can’t do that. Ask X to help you with that. I can’t come till next week. Work is busy sorry can’t come till next week. Need to go now to cook dinner. J is not well so need to be home. Make a list of them. After a while she’ll get used to the new normal and expect to see you less and do less are my thoughts. It will take awhile to sink in though.

re. outside help if she’s disabled she will be getting PIP or AA. Does she give that money to you? She can use that money to pay for outside help which is what many disabled people have to do.

Oh goodness -yet another thread where an elderly person has a family member running round after them. Yet another ‘they won’t accept outside help’ but will watch busy decent people run after them all the while criticising them.

What is it that makes these people tick? Control? Good luck OP you have had some good advice from some regular posters who know what they are talking about.

What would happen if you were ill or one of your kids needed you? You need to start saying no. If she doesn't need outside carers she doesn't need you, it's that simple. You are not responsible for her, choose what you can do and leave the rest. She is going to behave badly to put you back in your place so be prepared. My mum used to try and pull this shit, the endless demands and tantrums. We got her carers and stepped back.

As PPs have said, carer breakdown helps nobody. Not you, not her, not your kids. So it's worth putting in the effort to arrange the care she's entitled to (which she may have to pay for if she has the money) and let her experience the consequences if she plays silly buggers about it.
"I've got a toddler, it's just not sustainable for me to do this too.".

I have called her out on it but it’s not helped.
nyone got any suggestions on changing this or a better way to deal with it?

Literally the same as dealing with a toddler. Reward good behaviour, ignore bad, take swift firm action if actual danger looms.

"The TV remote has gone! Where did you put it?"
"What's that, you can't find the remote? I'll help you look in a minute, we should be able to find it."

"X is broken, how did you break it?"
[You inspect X. It is, indeed, broken, unlike Y which, last week, she had forgotten how to use. It is something genuinely necessary to her].
"Oh, that's a shame. You should be able to order a new one from Amazon."

You say she wasn't always like this, so something has changed in her brain, and now she is like this. Sadly there are no magic cures or this board would be a lot quieter! But you can pretty much act as though you Just. Did. Not. Hear. the stuff she shouldn't have said, and stick to addressing the underlying issue that triggered the outburst.

Vent to friends (or here!). "I know she isn't going to change but God she drives me nuts sometimes!!!" is a useful mantra to repeat as you go home after visits.

She needs outside help whether she understands this or not. I would guess that living with her full time as your brother does is also very stressful even if he doesn't undertake a personal caring role. Elderly people can be very wearing. I think you and your brother need to get together to agree on how things can be arranged going forward. She will need to accept carers and you should also aim at getting her to accept a cleaner in the home. Getting shopping delivered is quite cheap and saves a lot of time and effort.If she doesn't get Attendance Allowance apply for that to help with costs.
Can you and brother agree regarding who does what on what days cooking ect. You both need time off built into any routines. It's ok though to agree that it's all too much for both of you. In which case it may be time to start think about residential care. If you start talking about that she may stop her reluctance to have carers. I am an only daughter so I know that when it comes to practicalities it's often the daughters who end up doing the most so I understand where you are coming from and really sympathize I also know I couldn't live permanently with my mother with no escape from the elderly talk, expectations and isolation this can bring so I have some sympathy for your brother as well. Unfortunately, unless you both step back your mother will continue to expect what you do and use you instead of the carers she needs.💐

My grandmother refused to accept help and ran my aunt ragged.

You need to put in boundaries and explain to her she can languish in dangerous conditions or accept outside help but moving forward you will see her on X-days and that’s it.

Does your DM claim attendance allowance ?

Can spend on getting some outside help

This is not means tested put in claim

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

What happens when you want to go on holiday or you are sick ?

We did go on holiday and we had to have her sister come and stay from across the country as she wasn’t able to manage on her own at all.

I’m desperate to go again before the end of the summer but can’t as her sister is away!

Who financially supports them as a household? Does your brother work? What benefits do they get collectively?

The answer to the going away problem is to tell your brother you're going and he will have to step up or pay for carers.

Also, don't know her age but as pp have said this is very characteristic of dementia. Do you mean she doesn't have a medical diagnosis of dementia? Because I think it's quite likely she has it.

Nothing will ever change if you keep doing what you are currently doing.

Your brother had a holiday
The sister had a holiday

You are entitled to have a life of your own
You are entitled to have a holiday

You need to set some boundaries for yourself

Book a holiday !