Dr told me DFs prognosis but not DF

[BeLemonEagle]

A few months ago DF was in hospital, about to be discharged in to a home. His consultant took me in to a side room and said your DF is very ill; he has been for years so I wasn't shocked. But then he said DF only has about 3-6 months left to live and that I need to find a nursing home that can cope with that. Now that did shock me, but I did as he advised and DF is now settled in a nursing home who know that time frame.

My issue is that DF doesn't seem to know. He talks about how he going to afford the fees for the next few years, what happens when he needs more surgery and so on. The consultant didn't seem to tell him.

I'm now doubting the consultant, but why did he tell me that DF is dying if he wasn't confident he is right? It's a heck of a burden, as I don't feel I can tell family as even DF doesn't know.

Has anyone been in a similar position? Or know why the Dr may have done this?

Yes, my mother was admitted to hospital about 10 days before she died. I was told the likely prognosis but she was not. That was left up to me. I judged DM was too confused to understand and so we stayed with her, reassuring her until she lapsed into unconsciousness three days later.

After that she had very short spells of consciousness, and then died peacefully in her sleep.

I think the doctors felt it would be unhelpful to tell dm. It would only have frightened and bewildered her.

I shared it with my siblings.

Do you know if the doctor did discuss it with him, he may of done and df is in denial which is a coping mechanism. He may have forgotton, be living in hope, not been able to take information on board in hospital if he was very ill. No doctor can accurately predict how long someone will live for. You could ring the doctor and ask what was discussed or arrange to speak to the carehome GP.

He did you a favour by suggesting you find an appropriate placement that does palliative care.

He can't predict the future but you were helped to prepare for it as moving elderly people is really bad for their cognitive abilities.

If you feel able to talk to DF about this do, I'd also not stint in sharing with others who need to know but ask your DF's consent first if he's got capacity. Definitely don't suffer alone, get all of the support and help.

My stepfather forgets what is wrong with him claims to not understand anything my sibling is his point of contact for appointments test results etc. Maybe this is why you were also told op, it sounds very upsetting for you.

He may have been told but just not want to discuss it. I know my dad was told his (short) prognosis by his doctor but he never let on that he knew. So we all just carried on with this massive elephant in the room.

I did also read that doctors tend not to tell someone outright unless they specifically ask, after all some people don’t want to know. So medics will often drop hints and try to see if they think the person wants to know. But if the person then doesn’t follow up with a question about “how long” then it wouldn’t be right for them to be told. I assume the doctor told you as they felt you needed to know in order to arrange the correct care. No point moving him into a care home for him to be evicted six weeks later as they can’t handle palliative care.

im sorry you’re in this situation though. Its very tough.

Doctors can tell when someone doesn't want to know every detail. My dad's oncologist called my mum into the room to talk to her separately when he'd finished talking to my dad after his scan. He told her that he'd given dad every chance to ask things, but it was clear that he didn't want to know. Which I absolutely believed.

When my husband was in the same position, after confirming that his cancer has spread widely, his oncologist asked him how much he wanted to know. My DH said he didn't want to know anything more, but he wanted everything to be done for him, that could be.
He didn't really acknowledge the terminal bit, until it got to the point over a year later, that it was suggested that he be referred to the hospice so that we could benefit from the various things they could offer us all.

I disagree with the poster who says that you should tell your father. There might be a time when it becomes evident to him and you can talk, but it seems that at this point he's chosen not to know.

I think living with the giant elephant in the room is best in.our families experience anyway my .dad is fine at the moment but there will come the time where he isn't fine so taking each day as it comes is best for us. He knows he is ill but claims not to "understand " so we just leave it.

It’s quite possible they have told him, but he’s choosing not to acknowledge bad news. That’s what my mum did. She was discussing new sofas and things like that for “after I’ve had my operation” but she knew there was no operation. It was just how she coped, and was trying to make it easier for me by staying upbeat and hopeful.
You can choose to discuss it with him if you want Op, but I’d have a good think about what you’d be trying to achieve. How long someone has got left is a very inexact science, so be prepared for it to take its own course.

DH knew his prognosis but never really spoke about it and always talked about the future despite the fact his prognosis was less than a year, he'd talk about things way in the future. I think it is sometimes just the way people deal with it.

My friends mum was terminal and used to talk about the. Future and going to her favourite holiday destination etc, it must help when everything is so bleak.

My DF had a private conversation with his Dr to say he didn’t want to know prognosis, if the cancer had spread, or anything- but he wanted to be treated where possible, and a comfortable, supportive, pain free death.

That was it!!! we were told but Dad wasn’t- he died peacefully after spending time ‘living’ - we believed that if he had of known it would have made him deteriorate quicker.

Sometimes the Drs make the call based on conversations they have had with the patient, capacity of patient or indeed previous patient wishes.

Well yes, we were in that position but MIL had vascular dementia and Alzheimer's, so would not have understood the situation fully. I assume that this is not the case with your DF.

My aunt was worrying about needing thicker curtains in her room for the winter just days before she died in May. This was after I’d taken her for one of her hospital appointments and a nurse said “We will do this treatment after you’ve finished your palliative chemo” and she went ballistic and said that it absolutely was NOT palliative chemo.

I think some people just see what they want to see, and if that helps them then it’s for the best.

Thanks all for the insight. I suppose on one level I thought maybe the Dr had realised he was wrong, and that's why he hadn't told DF. But they know each other well, and DF never asked directly, so it sounds like it was a practical decision to get him the right care.

When DM was diagnosed with cancer, she asked outright 'how long have I got' and she lasted that long almost to the day, but I imagine that's rare.