Is there a running thread on here about general stuff?

[tobee]

Sorry I just haven't seen one if there is….

I have another thread on here about my mum who was in hospital for 3 weeks after a small stroke. It's largely just affected her memory for some words and how to do some things.

She came home on Friday.

While she was in hospital my dad, 90, with mildish dementia, had 2 x visits a day from private carers after my sister and I initially alternated staying with him. That seemed to work well. Especially as I could read a little update on the visit on an app.

Now mum is back home she has 3 x nhs people coming in to do whatever it is they do. My mum says mostly asking her questions.

We're now looking at the private carers just coming in the evening for the time being. Because 5 different people turning up per day was seeming a bit much to my parents.

Anyway, none of that's the point, really, I'm just wanting to let off steam about my brain constantly addling trying to second guess whether we've put enough things in place.

I'm not asking for opinions on the number of carers or whatever really it's just looking for fellow posters who can empathise.

I just feel like I can't cope with any extra decision making or opinion giving from my family. Everyone is adult that I live with and more than capable but I found myself snapping when just asked a simple question or whatever. I apologised and was understood etc.

This is the first day since mum went into hospital that I haven't felt incredibly tired. But I just had a call with my mum and she was saying she was having a bad memory day and now my head is whirring again thinking about whether we've got enough sorted.

Until mum got home from hospital, either my sister or I was going to visit mum and also dad at home every day.

Just today I was thinking I could now do some of things I've put off. Getting my hair cut that's very overdue, making my dental appointment that I cancelled, re starting some reciprocal practice for the course I'm doing, going back on my healthy eating regime.

I don't know, it's all early days still but I just needed to vent.

Oh yeah, might seem a strange question, but I say my dad has "mild dementia" but I've no idea what that conveys to other people?

The Cockroach Cafe may be the place you are looking for. It’s a hang out for the folk going through your kids of situation.

I haven’t been, as I’m currently burying my head in the sand about our elderlies! This was a great board when my dad was terminally ill and we needed to support mum. If my elderlies were at all interested in practical solutions I’d hang around there and gather all the wisdom. Sadly they are all stubborn and refuse any change or system of assistance in favour of complaining and demanding 🤣. Hence the head in sand.

I'm so pleased to have a reply 😊

I wasn't really sure what the cockroach cafe was about really. There are quite a few running threads all over Mumsnet that I've no clue what they're about!! I've been on here years, but no idea!

Oh yes glancing at the cockroach cafe wasnt sure if it was just for people with tricky relationships with their parents? Or have I misunderstood?

Come to think of it maybe I should have started a thread on chat asking for explanations of what some of the more obscure long running thread titles mean? But maybe if you know you know!

I feel like putting my head in the sand might be a good idea @myplace. How about a sandy beach in the Caribbean? That's the sort of sand I feel like experiencing right now 😁😑

I'm glad you had support when your dad was terminally ill. It's amazing when that happens.

Just offering solidarity ☺️ I was on the verge of snapping today when I was asked to move a chair at my parents then given advice on how best to move it 😁

I can empathise, there’s always something to think about isn’t there?

Pop on the thread and ask them. I don’t think it’s about bad relationships, more that we all end up feeling inadequate and like ‘bad daughters’ due to the circumstances!

But I could be wrong!

Best thing about this board is that you don’t get scolded for being unfeeling/unkind about your elderly relatives. Everyone recognises the frustrations!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?reply=145245702

Here it is OP. They're a great bunch and you'll get good support and advice. I hardly ever post but I read and benefit. Wishing you the best!

I definitely feel like my dad feels I'm a tricky daughter. He's very loving verbally but I know I irritated him when I stayed there. I've never stayed there before (they moved to where they live now about 20 years ago) and have hardly stayed over with them since I left home for university when I was 19. And I'm 57 now!

I forgot what my dad is like to live with. Lots of his old behaviour that was fun has gone. He's not interested in things on tv anymore really. When mum was in hospital dad didn't have the tv on at all. He used to love watching Wimbledon and films and the news etc. He's just happy to read the paper every other day now. Lots of times he just wants to sleep now or sit quietly.

Anyway, he's always been a tidy fuss pot and had rules about things. Like being dressed before coming downstairs or as soon as possible. I'd forgotten. Then I realised I was annoying him sitting about in my nightie past 10 o clock. Actually I was on my phone trying to sort out loads of things for him and mum. I didn't want to shower yet because I had to let the cleaners in and give them their money etc. Also I generally like to properly tidy the kitchen after dinner. And thought it would be good to tidy up after dad went to bed; especially as he would be going off at about 8.30 and I'd have chill time afterwards! But I was constantly finding him fussing about in the kitchen through the day, and carrying stuff to put away without his stick. I'd be worrying he was going to fall. So me not behaving like that annoys him. But silently.

He's always been the sort of person who would take your glass or plate away as soon as you'd finished. And lay the table for breakfast just after you'd finished dinner. Slight exaggeration!

Mum is much more like me and so, because she was always around, she'd distracted my dad's finicky ness.

When I was staying down there with him he kept saying I should go home. He appreciated everything I was doing, and was so kind etc etc. But he isn't capable of looking after himself. He'd have been living on bread and cheese coz he can't remember how to use the toaster never mind the rest! But I was probably annoying him. He'd have preferred it my sister and I lived 1/2 a mile away and could pop in twice a day for 10 minutes.

It's a bit much when you're thinking you'd rather be home too! But had to look after your old dad in case he fell over. Or burnt the house down. Also constantly battling with him to sit down and not totter about with the tea pot, or bringing the clothes airer indoors and out again, or putting the wheelie bins out. So I'd be shouting out "dad! Where are you going now?" And then I'd feel awful if he said he was just going to the loo of that was ok? 😬😄

Ooh thank you @HellonHeels !

Oh yeah, and while I'm venting, their spare bedroom, where I slept, has stupid cream blinds that don't block out the light at all!!! In the sunny weather of June and the longest days. I had a sleep mask but if I woke up to go to the loo and it was 5.30am or whatever it was bright daylight and hard to get back to sleep especially as I start worrying about things at night! I may as well have slept in the garden.

That's not really about dad being elderly but it added to the fun! 😑

It’s very difficult, but I keep reminding myself that these are choices they make and are entitled to make- and pay the consequences. As long as the consequence isn’t you having to drop everything and pick up the pieces, that is!

Years ago, when DPs were hale and hearty, we looked around a house being sold after an elderly person had died or gone into a home. It was dreadful- neglected looking. It made me sad to think of him there. I asked DPs at what point they’d want us to intervene if they stopped looking after themselves (and their home) properly. Well they were scandalised. Free will, their choice, interfering etc.

So it seems even when they are fully compos mentos they actively choose, for their future, neglect over interference.

Yes definitely experienced this!

Cockroach Cafe. It’s a safe space to sigh, cry, complain, without having to say ‘I know I’m a bad daughter, but…’.