Go part-time to look after parents more?

[Wemdubz]

I’m sure there will have been threads asking similar questions before but I’ve searched and am struggling to find them. I’m posting for the views of people who’ve been where I am and are able to look at my situation more clearly than I am. I’m all over the place.

My dad (85) had a stroke a couple of years ago and my mum (81) is main carer. My sibling who has early onset dementia also lives with them. I am due to start a new job soon (4 days a week compressed hours) but am now seriously questioning whether I can or should.

Dad is deteriorating and I think he possibly now is showing signs of dementia and is increasingly non-responsive and unable to bear his weight making it very difficult to move him.

A carer comes in the morning to get him up and shower him (self funded). Mum has managed so well at night and during the day but it’s getting harder and harder as dad doesn’t respond to instructions and sometimes appears like he’s in a trance. She would not entertain the idea of a home. I am now going at night to help get him into bed. I also go for the day on my days off.

I am considering not starting the new job as 1) I don’t feel like my mind would be on it and that I will struggle to focus on the training snd give it my all 2) I feel like I should be there for mum and dad as I’m worried mum will make herself ill and then I don’t know what the hell would happen.

I have a mortgage to pay and really need a full time wage but really want to be there for my family. I am also becoming very aware that my sibling’s needs are ever increasing and that this will be an added pressure soon. I feel a bit overwhelmed as I am the only one to deal with it. I’ve no other siblings and have no partner.

Has anyone given up full time work for part time to be there more and actually made it work? I don’t think I’d get much in the way of benefits but I’m thinking of trying. I’m worried if I come out of work I’ll never get back into a job and then be in financial trouble (I’m 54). I keep running through my income and outgoings to try and make it work. I could access a very small private pension to top up my income but still will have a shortfall I think.

I guess what I am asking is whether anyone else has done this and either regretted it due to the financial struggle or has done it and felt more at peace by being there to help. Thanks for reading. I’ve got some big decisions to make and feel constantly anxious going over it all in my head 😔

Thanks for all the helpful responses Mumsnet. Sometimes you just can’t see the wood for the trees.

Glad to hear that you will not give up work (yet) continue with care at night.

Perhaps you can take a day off to go with your brother to the day time club ? Or employ someone to take him ?

Good luck

I really wouldn't do this as you have to earn a living. Benefits is a very bad idea

this.
please think of your situation carefully. Your parents wouldn’t want you to struggle in your later years.

I didn't do it for that reason but its where I ended up.

I sold my business as my business partner was retiring. I had a small part time from home role (about a day a week and flexible as to when i do it) and so was just doing that while I regrouped and found some hobbies.

Then Mum fell ill with cancer and I spent a lot of time at their house caring for her until she died 5 months later. Dad managed on his own then for about 2 years but with me visiting a fair amount and a lot of video calls with him for help. But he was deteriorating and the diagnosis of dementia 18 months ago came as no big surprise.

He came to live with us then and has continued to deteriorate. We are at the stage now he is 24/7 care...last night during the night he soaked the bed, second full bed change of the week, every night he is up once or twice, he is leaving the house in the day and wandering with intent of going home. Strangely he is suddenly far better on his feet and the wheelchair we bought and we're using only a few months ago seems a strange purchase now but that has added greater risk as he is mobile, like a ninja, but has no idea about risk or location.... he walks straight out into the road and tries to get random buses. But he doesn't have any grasp on reality and cannot be left. When he strides out we have to drop everything and join him. He is getting angry turns. Not physical but he word soup speech is clearly expressing anger at my husband and I.

We are planning a care home now as I think we have reached the end of what we can offer him. Which is sad for me to acknowledge.

So, yes I've done it. I didn't give anything up "per se" career wise. I'm still doing my little part time flexible job. But I have the savings from the business sale and a pension pot built up when there. I still have my professional qualification which I have maintained CPD on (far more than necessary as I've had the time to do free courses).

Would I recommend it. Probably not. One person is hard enough. You have 3! Every day is different so planning isn't easy and the trajectory is downhill, unpredicatable, and slow - unless something hits like my Mum had.

But if you do it, it's very rewarding until you get exhausted...and then it isn't!

I wouldn’t do it . No matter how you feel you are in a precarious situation , getting back into the workforce in your late 50’s / 60’s depending when the caring finished will be very hard , not impossible but employers can be agist . I also think it would be very depressing caring for 3 people . When are you to live and enjoy your life . Your parents need to step up and pay for extra care or consider a home despite your dads wishes .

Don't do it. Get more outside help for them but you also need to look after yourself financially including building up your pension to support your own old age.

My DH nearly quit his job to care for his Mum, he had it planned that he would effectively take a wage from her savings to cover his salary loss until I pointed out he only worked 8 hours a day, not 24/7 and as well as his salary there was his pension to think about.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but it sounds like your Dad and sibling will end up in full time care in the not to distant future as well so it would be short sighted to give up a good job at this stage. Your Mum may not have a choice in this if the level of care they need falls short of what one person can provide.

With a fair amount of reluctance I completed my application form for relatively low paid admin role that is offering part time as well as full time vacancies. Who knows I may not fit the criteria or be successful at interview. It’s better than the alternative of spending all of my time looking after DPs who fondly imagine they are independent and managing well so therefore do not need any additional paid help goodness no, or getting a challenging new full time role and the. pretzeling myself trying to be everything to everybody.

Whereas at exactly my age - 55 - DM moved country and took up a new full time job, leaving her other siblings to look after the DPs <sigh>. I feel so trapped, but working full time and doing the 1-1.5 hr journey once a week is too much for me. To be fair it’s not my DPs fault the job market is so poor and my contract is finishing, a couple of years ago I probably could have requested 4 days a week for a new role. I just thought once DS was at uni it would be my time to throw myself at my career for a few years, but as an only DC it’s too much.

I am glad your DM has admitted she needs more help OP, unfortunately it’s the only way this can move forward and you need and deserve that job.

I gave up my full time job and effectively ended my career too. We now can't get a mortgage because I haven't racked up enough self employed time. I regret leaving my job. Please do start your job. It will give you structure and perspective and maybe even support, if you're working alongside people of a similar age or background. Just give it a try. Best of luck to you.

Thanks for all the posts since I last updated. I hadn’t received notification of these so am sorry for the delay in acknowledging. I really appreciate all your views and for you sharing your experiences. I wish the best for everyone who is in a similar boat x

If you do this more will always be expected, and more will probably end with you not working at all and physically and mentally broken.

Think long and hard before you do something that could cause you so much harm, and financial difficulties.

While your Mum may not want more care eventually that will probably be needed, no matter what you do.