Go part-time to look after parents more?

[Wemdubz]

I’m sure there will have been threads asking similar questions before but I’ve searched and am struggling to find them. I’m posting for the views of people who’ve been where I am and are able to look at my situation more clearly than I am. I’m all over the place.

My dad (85) had a stroke a couple of years ago and my mum (81) is main carer. My sibling who has early onset dementia also lives with them. I am due to start a new job soon (4 days a week compressed hours) but am now seriously questioning whether I can or should.

Dad is deteriorating and I think he possibly now is showing signs of dementia and is increasingly non-responsive and unable to bear his weight making it very difficult to move him.

A carer comes in the morning to get him up and shower him (self funded). Mum has managed so well at night and during the day but it’s getting harder and harder as dad doesn’t respond to instructions and sometimes appears like he’s in a trance. She would not entertain the idea of a home. I am now going at night to help get him into bed. I also go for the day on my days off.

I am considering not starting the new job as 1) I don’t feel like my mind would be on it and that I will struggle to focus on the training snd give it my all 2) I feel like I should be there for mum and dad as I’m worried mum will make herself ill and then I don’t know what the hell would happen.

I have a mortgage to pay and really need a full time wage but really want to be there for my family. I am also becoming very aware that my sibling’s needs are ever increasing and that this will be an added pressure soon. I feel a bit overwhelmed as I am the only one to deal with it. I’ve no other siblings and have no partner.

Has anyone given up full time work for part time to be there more and actually made it work? I don’t think I’d get much in the way of benefits but I’m thinking of trying. I’m worried if I come out of work I’ll never get back into a job and then be in financial trouble (I’m 54). I keep running through my income and outgoings to try and make it work. I could access a very small private pension to top up my income but still will have a shortfall I think.

I guess what I am asking is whether anyone else has done this and either regretted it due to the financial struggle or has done it and felt more at peace by being there to help. Thanks for reading. I’ve got some big decisions to make and feel constantly anxious going over it all in my head 😔

I don’t know if this is the same for your elderly relatives but the generation above me, the women did do care,
but in very different circumstances. Your mum may be assuming the same? But you have to be realistic.

The generation above me, some women did retire early, at 50 or 55, with a final salary pension and with their mortgage already paid off. Or had pin money jobs with most things paid for by a husband. Then provided some care for elderly parents. But that was in the realm of shopping, taking to appointments, companionship, rather than personal
care and navigating serious medical issues.

It’s a very different situation now with lower pensions, higher pension age, mortgages running into retirement etc.

From the other end of the scale: I would not want my children to do this. We are younger than your parents - I am c70, my husband c80, but with a fairly debilitating life-limiting illness.

We have taken every step we can (including writing it into our Powers of Attorney) to prevent our kids sacrificing any aspect of their careers, incomes, future pensions, and more, to become carers for either of us. I watched my mum go down that route with my grandmother, and the impact on both my parents was huge, and mostly all negative.

We have discussed with our kids what we want should the Powers of Attorney need to be implemented, and obviously with each other about what decisions we will make whilst we retain capacity. You say your mum woukd be unhappy if she knew what you were considering; I would say you need to be having much franker conversations with your parents about how - as competent adults - they plan to ensure their future care needs are met, without overly relying on their children. It’s all very well and good them saying they won’t countenance residential care, so what will they do instead? What circumstances might change their minds in time? Who will take responsibility for ensuring there are regular, professionally led reviews of their needs? What happens if one or both lose capacity? And so on.

Your brother is a separate issue, but genuinely not your responsibility.

I should add, in case I sound like I’m rejecting my poor kids’ desire to help completely, that I do ask for, and accept offer of, help from them with things that are not overly time-consuming: some shopping if they are going anyway, advice on my car, or why the bloody TV is kaput…

Keep working as much as you can and paying off your mortgage as long as possible.

You need to be in the best place financially as possible.
This isn't selfish, it's reasonable and a necessity these days.

There are ways to arrange more help for your family without it over burdening you.

I understand how you feel responsible but think of it this way, what happens if you lose your home or can't re-enter the job market, who will look after you and them then?

Put your own oxygen mask on first!

@Strawberriesandpears thank you x

@EmotionalBlackmail I think you are correct in what you are saying.

@ReignOfError I do agree and wouldn’t want this for my own child. My brother is a separate issue yes and I’m trying not to panic too much about him yet but I know that will need considering next!

@Noshadelamp agreed. It would just cause me additional stress.

We live next door and do a lot for PILs with carers on top. For your own sake, you can’t take on 3 peoples’ increasing needs with minimal external support, it’s a frankly ridiculous suggestion. If they’re not eligible for free care that means there is money that can be made available to pay for it. If you want to frame it another way, one carer would not be given these 3 people to look after alone, it’s too much and would be tantamount to neglect.

@SockFluffInTheBath I wasn’t planning to try and do everything alone but to do it alongside carers as much as I can. My parents are entitled to some financial assistance but are paying additional. I do understand completely your point about a 1:3 ratio though.

Thanks everybody for replying. It’s really been useful in helping me see the bigger picture.

I am in a not dissimilar situation OP. Age 55 and my current contract ends mid August. I was hoping I would be kept on, as the wheels fell of my DPs bus at the start of April and it’s been really hard to juggle ever since, but at current role they let me condense to 4.5 days which helped.

In my case my DPs live an hour away, more like 1.5 each way recently due to traffic. They were managing just about ok until DM had a fall which seems to have made her bed bound, I am increasingly convinced it was a stroke but won’t know until her neurology appointment in August.

Like you I am an only DC but lucky enough to have a DH who is sharing some of the visits and even DS19 goes up to take grandpa out for lunch sometimes. We are in Scotland so DM is getting free carers 4 times a day, but DFs memory seems to be going and I want to check on them quite frequently, but it’s so much with working as well.

I am fortunate that I could just about stop if I wanted to as I got a big VR payment a year ago, but the thing is I don’t want to. I like working and DPs have more than enough money for just about any type of care, if only they would accept it.

I decided to look at part time roles, but the difficulty is there are very few professional ones so they are all not that well paid and at our ages, once you get off the professional ladder, its very hard to get back on.

I would say 4 days a week is good - you have one day to dedicate to their needs. Unfortunately you need to pull back a bit, or at least have the conversation with your DM as you can’t continue to put your DF to bed every night. So the carers didn’t come at exactly the right time and weren’t the same people every time, it’s not ideal, but unfortunately the only thing that would actually make your DPs genuinely happy os for your DF not to be ill any more and that’s not going to happen.

When you are old you won’t have a DD to support you, so it’s doubly important you continue to work and save for any care you might need in the future.

I know it’s hard with all the guilt, but you have to put yourself first.

sorry just realised you aren’t an only, but you are the only DC shouldering the burden.

@rookiemere thanks for replying and for understanding. You’re right in saying that things will never be good enough/people won’t be happy really as dad is never going to be well again. Mum has said today that she is going to try the evening care again as dad is unable to move independently so that should help a bit. I think she is a bit more in denial about his deterioration than I am.

Much as I moan about work, it can also be a good distraction so I understand why you don’t want to stop working and I probably done either deep down. My DS is also helpful like yours which I am grateful for ☺️

If your parents receive attendance allowance, you can claim carers allowance.

However carers allowance is only £333 every 4 weeks. It also allows you to earn up to a further £196 per week.
Your National Insurance contributions are also paid due to not working full time.

Can you afford to I've on this sparse amount of money ? You said that you had a mortgage to pay.

You do not need to live with the person that you care for

Rent out a room in your home for income ?

https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance

Your mum is a grown adult ,she is choosing to keep him at home in an unsuitable situation
She can obviously see her husband needs more help
It's very clear he needs to go in a home .
So eventually social services will step in and insist he does .
How does it help anyone you getting behind on your mortgage payments or adding extra stress of not having enough money
In a way ,by helping out so much ,you are making the situation worse
Because no one is getting a true picture of how bad things are , because your there picking up the slack .
I'm sure your mum would come to her senses about a home ,much quicker without your help.
Easier said than done i know
I'd start by getting social services to visit and do an assessment
All the time your mum is lifting and moving and toileting your dad ,she is putting her own health at risk .

https://www.gov.uk/rent-room-in-your-home

Well-off woman (no mortgage and pension all paid up already) going down to 3 days a week to help keep the plates spinning - maybe.
But that's not you.
And generally it's much better for parents to spend their money on care now, rather than seeing their daughter have a nervous breakdown just to end up saving money which then goes in IHT anyway.
Sorry, it's tough. But like a PP, I saw my own mother driven to breakdown from caring for a succession of elderly relatives - and back in the 70s, medical care was nowhere near as good so they died relatively quickly! As I understand it, she didn't really have much choice.

I'm assuming I'll go part time eventually to help my parents to try and keep them out of residential care or that will eat all the hoped for (not expected!) inheritance..

It's true that this burden of care will fall disproportionately on women, surprise surprise

As you still have a mortgage, I would suggest using that as an excuse not to give up work.
You should continue to pay into a private pension too.

Because if you do give up work, you could potentially have another 10 years of caring for your parents.

Plus, you have the added complication of caring for your sibling.

Caring is relentless !

What would your parents do if you did not live close to them ?

@JasmineTea11 you are a better person than I am. I will not be looking after my parents if they get to that stage. Fortunately they wouldn’t want us to sacrifice our lives in that way.

when you’re running yourself into the ground please remember they can leave it all to the cats home if they choose.

@KaleidoscopeFortune no, couldn’t manage in the amounts you’ve quoted. It would have to be a decent enough paid PT role for me to consider it. My mortgage isn’t that big now but it still needs paying. Renting out a room could be a consideration, thanks. If I wasn’t nearby, mum would probably just increase the carers’ visits.

@Seagull5 we’ve had a needs assessment. Dad is considered ok at home with carers in place which is where we are at. I’m just feel like I should be there to pick up more than I do. There’s no pressure on me to do this, it’s all coming from my own belief that I am not doing enough for the man who has always put me first in his life. I guess that’s why I’ve asked for others’ perspectives.

"the man who has always put me first in his life. " would therefore be the last one who would want you to sacrifice yourself for him.
To be brutal.... you will have to survive after both your parents have died.... look after yourself now to do this....

You earn more than the carers (I hope): it makes no sense to give up your work. Get a soc services reassessment, even if they are paying; get the night carer back; be unavailable except for manageable tasks that will add quality to your time together.

This is what we save for all our lives. To buy in care as needed and let us our busy adult DC in the prime of their life with jobs and families of their own, life free of the indefinite burden.
What about your income. Your pension? Your opportunities?
I would think far less of any parent that let their DC live this way. All my friends living similarly have ended up on antidepressants.
Old age doesn’t come as a surprise, it removes our choices and preferences and that’s just unfortunate. The wants of someone at the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.

You sound like an absolutely lovely person
And maybe my answer would of been totally different had I had some loving parents.
But if I was your mum ,I absolutely would not want my daughter risking her mortgage by dropping days at work to care for me and her dad .
I'd happily accept a weekly visit ,but that's all.
What help are you mainly giving them ,and could they buy that in instead

@Seagull5 mum is going to get the evening carers back this week so they can get dad undressed and into bed so that is going to ease things at night. We’ll have to review if this isn’t enough and think if any extra support is needed during the day but I do feel happier with this in the pipeline.

I’m also trying to encourage my brother to attend a day centre but that’s a whole other story 😁