Am I a bad person?

[OneGreyBiscuit]

I'll say it straight - I hate my mum. She's never been a parent or grandparent. She's a selfish, narcissistic and manipulative woman. She's nearly 83 and can't walk straight and needs a stick. Has no intention of helping herself (never has) and won't hear of going into a home. Has her neighbour getting her things from shop, changing her bed, knocking on the door everyday and now wants him to do her weeding when she has in excess of £30k in the bank so could easily pay a gardener to do it. I think what's really tipped me over the edge is her disgusting behaviour towards her dying son last year. When he was in a hospice on end of life would only visit on her non bingo days, resented the last nice day he had on earth because she wasn't included, saying in front of him how long the doctor thinks he has left to live. I've never known anyone to be so cold and callous towards her own child's imminent death. She's now obsessed with his money and possessions and who they were left to, in his will he left all of his possessions to our friends but see her alright with money but that's not right with her "he was my son and they were his possessions". I know this neighbour has been saying things suggesting that i should be doing these things for her but why should I? I don't live nearby (1/2 hour drive), work, have 2 dcs, she wouldn't appreciate it anyway as it's expected. Id be quite willing to do an online shop for her but know full well everything would be wrong, she won't stay in for a delivery and an evening delivery would clash with her beloved soaps. She wouldn't even look after my ds when he was a baby so I could go back to work, managed one day and then claimed she was too tired. There's no pleasing this woman. I can't get to grips with the fact id do anything for my dcs and put my life on hold to care for my dB in his last weeks but with her Id rather put a bullet in my head than care for her.

You’re not a bad person!

If the neighbour doesn’t want to do things it’s up to him to say no.

If she can afford to pay but does t want to, that’s a shame.

If she doesn’t want to stay in for a delivery she’ll have no food.

Its that simple, and you need to see all these solutions are in her control, not yours.

Go and have a lovely day, and disengage somewhat from it all.

I think it’s fine not to do it op.

the only thing I would say is that for years I thought I would not help my dad when he is old as he was/is a pretty awful person… I thought I was happy with the decision though I noticed that I spent a lot of time thinking about it. Then one day I realised that I am a nice person who cares for her family and that this includes him. So I changed my mind… this was nothing to do with him but to do with my own relationship with myself. So I wouldn’t be doing it out of duty or begrudgingly but because I wanted to because that’s who I am. He’s quite far away from me and very hard to help but I will try my best. With strong boundaries. Anyway when I made that decision I realised I felt better.

so maybe try both options ; helping and then not helping and see how they both make you feel and then pick the one that is best for YOU. Not her-

good luck. It’s very hard .

the fact that you are even questioning yourself, suggests that you are torn @OneGreyBiscuit

I agree with @Wish44 "this was nothing to do with him but to do with my own relationship with myself." (in your case, your Mum)

A couple of sites which may help.

here & here

Thank you for replying. I think the only reason I'm torn is because it shouldn't be this way and I feel a moral obligation. And I know that if she'd been a better mother I would help her with anything (within reason) like most children would.

For your own well-being @OneGreyBiscuit you should make peace with whichever decision you can live with.

One which is best for you and your own family.

She was not the Mum you needed, sometimes we just need to step back, don't feel guilty though.

You are human and you are perfectly entitled to feel this way. Caring is one of the things that can push us to breaking point - it’s hard enough doing it for a parent you did actually love. Don’t get involved-state your boundaries and stick to them. Ignore hurry words-there will possibly be many during the boundary process. Stay calm, and if the neighbour has issues, it’s up to him to back off. Good luck.

I am so sorry about your DB. That must have been very hard.

She sounds awful. It’s not surprising you don’t like her. Cut yourself some slack. You’re only human, and I think most people would struggle to want to engage with someone like that.

I agree with what others have said. Disengage from those things where she could solve the problem but is choosing not to. And figure out what gives YOU peace, regardless of her.

I totally get it OP. My mother is an awful woman. As a mother she was cold, critical and judgemental and now at 84 an openly abusive alcoholic which is generally directed at my poor 90 year old father. I remain involved because of my father otherwise I would happily leave her to it. Plus my sister gets over embroiled in the situation and then can’t cope so I end up feeling guilty for not doing more despite it being my sisters choice (she is starting to learn and pull back thankfully).

I think the major issue is the societal pressure on us the look after our elderly parents especially our mothers. ‘Ah but she’s your mother’ is a common refrain and ‘you’ll miss her when she’s gone’. But I won’t. I look forward to the day that black malevolent cloud is removed from my life. I just have to try and block out any judgement because it doesn’t affect the judges only you and you are what matters. Some mothers should never have had children.

I'm sorry about your own experiences, it must be hard. I totally agree with some people should never had children. I'm convinced she had them solely to get out of working. I can't imagine the day that I'm free of her although I'm convinced she'll outlive me like she has her dh and ds, as neither of them reached 60.