How to deal with aging mother when there is no (healthy) relationship?

[Asabat]

I am a bit stuck as to how to proceed with my largely estranged mother at the moment. We are v low contact but currently quite jolly in emails, but I am very very cautious about what I tell her and how much we are in touch. I have not seen her in person in 10 years as last time we met I was so upset and freaked out by her and it was affectiong my kids. She is a strange and difficult person, possibly with a personality disorder and was very difficult and abusive mentally and occasionally physically when I was a young teen. She has a very odd relationship with the truth which I still find destabilising. I moved out at 13 to live with my Dad and step mum, who have been wonderful, because she was so unstable and cruel.

She is 80 now and has reported heart and breathing issues in a couple of recent emails. She lives in some kind of sheltered housing - not really sure, but I guess is dealing with the various health issues of being 80. She has been on her own for a long time and seems to cope.

I feel awful and I don't know what to do as things get worse. Not caring and supporting a parent as they age and ail feels cruel and is not like me at all, but I cannot get more involved with out sacrificing my mental health. Interactions with her always descend into toxicness - with her wanting more, rewriting history, distorting reality and then slips into being awful to me - I have tried in the past. It sounds so nebulous and melodramatic, but she has the most terrible effect on me. Writing this I feel sick and anxious already. Distance and low contact has been the only thing that I have been able to cope with over nearly 30 years. It was bad enough that I don't take her calls because they were so difficult and upsetting. She has not had my mobile number till I gave it to her yesterday.

I see so many good and loyal daughters on here looking after parents in all sorts of difficult circumstances and with complicated relationships, but I can't do it. I can't get involved in her life and help. I don't like her, I am scared of her but I feel huge guilt about just leaving her to her life. I knew this was coming eventually, but I just don't know what to do. I feel awful and guilty, she was a terrible mother, but she is now a vulderable elderly woman with health problems and entirely alone. There is no reconcilliation to be had and not much point, she doesn't understand and also she doesn't actually know me at all and has never really tried to, and beyond a very superficial level really doesn't actually care. Do I owe her care?

There is obviously a great deal more history to our relationship, and realistically she hasn't asked for anything yet. Is it enough to just check in a bit more regularly and I guess, wait till crisis point? I am scared she will call whether to chat or with emergency news. Please don't say. "but she's your mother" I have been told that my whole life, but that is exactly the problem!

"But then I remember that my body goes into revolt when I see her and the upset has dominated great chunks of my life."

Your body goes into revolt because your survival instincts are on red alert to warn and protect you of imminent danger - physical, mental, emotional. You're a kind and empathetic person who wants to be a good daughter but when you have a physical reaction as strong as this, personally I would heed the warnings and leave well alone.

It's very difficult to make peace with a situation such as this as it goes against nature. A mother's love is supposed to be unconditional, wholesome and a whole list of positive adjectives. For my part I learnt to accept that my mother just wasn't capable of being those things and I went NC with her over 30 years ago. It took a while but I forgave her. I learnt she died last year. I felt sad initially, not because of the loss of the person she was, but for the loss of the mother she'd never been. I hope you find peace with your situation too, OP. 🙏

OP

I would get another mobile phone number because your mother is now likely to blow this up. Why did you give her this?. I know; it's a combination of fear, obligation and guilt; a legacy of three unwanted buttons installed by your mother.

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point and seek therapy; BACP do a scale of rates.

She had a choice when it came to you and she chose to inflict on you what was likely done to her in childhood. BTW do you know anything about her childhood as this often gives clues?.

You owe her nothing least of all a relationship here. She failed you as a child and abused you. She has never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. Drop the rope she holds out to you and further lower all interactions with her.

OP

We are all flawed as people. Your mother is both flawed and abusive to boot. It is not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way either. She made you her scapegoat for all her inherent ills. She had a choice too when it came to you and she chose to abuse you. She never wanted to seek nor sought the necessary help.

She was once young and abusive, and now she is old and abusive. Age has not necessarily mellowed her.

You do not have to forgive her either.

You were never going to be like your mother is and was because you have two qualities she lacks; empathy and insight.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

I have a similar dm. Do the bare minimum to keep her safe and look after your own mental and physical health. You can't cure her. She won't change. She will still think nothing of hurting you.

Op I had similar with an elderly relative and they did tell the hospital I was their next of kin to contact when this happened I asked them to refer them to social services and arrange hospital transport for them they did this and social services set up things like a carer visit daily and a phone call system for emergency. I didn't have to get involved further just in case this helps

I also have a similar mother and agree with this. Mine is failing fast and wants me to help her despite having been really unpleasant and unsupportive to me my whole life. I keep contact as low as I can but I am eaten up with guilt. I understand completely how you feel OP.

After a small bit of email back and forth, she has a diagnosis, all in hand with GP apparently, and I quote "Anyhoo off to lunch now". I guess it's the usual pattern of reel me in and then dictate terms of engagement. To some this may look civil and normal. I promise it isn't.

My conclusion is, she is not me. She doesn't (atm) need much more than acknowledgement and seemed to retreat at the vaguest implication I might get involved (I was very very cafeful actually about not committing to anything).

I guess this is fine for now. I feel wrong-footed as usual, but am operating on the basis of don't borrow trouble. The eternal push-pull is baffling and exhausting, but all I can do is strive not to be like that with my own daughters.

I have a difficult mother, though I don't feel to the extent of yours. But difficult enough that I often have to go low contact for periods or say no to things she asks of me. And over the years I have felt guilty over this, until I realised that it goes beyond me - when my mental health is poor due to my mother's behaviour, my children suffer because I cannot be the mum they need me to be. You say you have children, perhaps they are older I don't know, but they still need you in whatever capacity. So my advice is to keep your mother at a distance you can cope with, don't sacrifice your mental health for her. Your responsibility is to your children and family.

Of course, you are worth doing it just for yourself and you shouldn't feel guilty - but you will do, so the above is a very valid and true way of reframing it.

Yes that's the thing isn't it, you feel sorry or whatever imagining how you would feel but they don't feel the same, and you can't know or be responsible for how another adult feels - but lots of us have been conditioned that we are there to do exactly that by poor or emotionally immature parents.

You imagine them sitting there feeling lonely and dying for you to contact them or visit them - that's a story that we make up, it's simply not true in some cases, and if it is that doesn't mean we should get in touch.

Have you been on the Stately Homes thread? I’ll try and find the link. Basically someone challenged their parents about their upbringing and the parents replied “But we took you to stately homes!”

And the Elderly Parents section is also very helpful.

You are in Elderly Parents 🤦‍♀️

Here’s the link to stately homes. Lots of help there.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5365921-july-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes