Is this normal aging or something more?

[TheRoundestRobin]

My mum is 76. She's a first-generation immigrant from India. Left school at 15 to go to work and support her family, slowly earned her (equivalent to) EYFS teaching qualification, won awards for her success in that field, moved to the West, has spent her whole life grafting, being brave, fiercely independent, sociable, broadly happy during my childhood.
But after menopause I feel like the spark just ebbed out of her. She's sad and cynical much of the time, can be quite unkind, and has become a little paranoid. In the last few years she's increasingly obsessed with routine and becomes quite upset if e.g. dinner runs past 6pm and she can't watch her TV show. The odd bit of confusion, forgetfulness, or struggling to follow a conversation but nothing major in that regard.
But something really weird has started happening over the last couple of weeks. She (and my dad) watch my daughter one day a week, and the last three times I've picked her up, my daughter has thrown maybe a 3-minute paddy about having to put her shoes on. So far, so normal, I'm not phased by it. But my mum gets so distressed, she literally puts her hands over her face and sobs, almost wailing, quite loudly, saying, "Stop! Please stop! Oh she's never normally like this, what's going on? I don't understand! Please stop!" It's so uncharacteristic of her, having spent 60 years looking after young children and raising 3 of her own, and I'm so flummoxed seeing her crumble like this in the face of normal 2-year-old behaviour.
Is it just that she's getting older and I'm asking too much of her with the childcare, or should I be concerned about a medical / mental health issue coming to a head?

Sorry but I don't think it's a normal part of ageing. No one in my family has ever been like that, even the ones who are much older. I would see if she'll go to the GP.

That’s not normal.

I wonder if she’s really stressed and tired it’s the last straw?

Honestly, at 76 I’d suggest shes done her child rearing and it would be better for you to find someone else to watch your child. Just make other arrangements and let her know. Dont make it like she can’t cope so you sorted it out, just say a place came up at your pals nursery or whatever.

A two year old is hard work and exhausting. She maybe won’t want to give up her time with your child but I think she has to. Shes allowed to retire and enjoy her TV.

You need to knock the childcare on the head OP. She's had her time and she's had enough. Even if there's nothing up health wise.

Might be just exhausted. A two year old is difficult. I don't think I'd be watching one at 76.

Good grief, she sounds utterly exhausted. Sort out your childcare and let your mum have some peace.

You say it yourself in your OP - “having spent 60 years looking after young children”. Doesn’t she deserve to step down from the role ever?

I wouldn’t say it’s normal. My DM was 74 and was desperate to babysit. She’s not in good health and had fairly bad mobility (wasn’t as bad back then). I worried about leaving DD with her and told my mum to let me know if it was too much.

Take your mum to the G.P. Simple lack of water can send them a bit loopy.

I think it's hard to say. It can be normal for elderly people to tire more easily (sometimes much more easily), to become a bit more forgetful and to find multi-tasking more difficult. But as your mum is getting very distressed, there could also be a mental health issue or something else going on.

Either way, it sounds as though looking after a two-year-old is too much for her now, even though she has your dad to share the load.

No, not normal. It sounds like the start of dementia, especially the paranoia and sudden outbursts.

She also sounds like she’s well past being able to cope with your child in her house. You shouldn’t be putting it on her and your father (who I also presume is in his seventies) to mind your child - especially if they’re capable of paddy’s- all day long. They should be enjoying their retirement and your child should stick to short visits. You should’ve knocked it on the head the second your mum started getting so distressed

Please find some childcare elsewhere, even if your dad seems keen to look after her.

I actually skipped over how old the child was, a toddler of 2 years old is far too much for grandparents in their seventies all day long.

I would suggest she stops doing childcare

Then keep an eye on her and see if anything's wrong

I am childfree and would absolutely relate to that response. It may be that after 60 years - that actually makes me want to cry! - of being involved childcare in some way, she has absolutely hit her limit. Christ, when does she get some peace and quiet? By which I mean, never having to be around a toddler again. That's my major reason for wanting to live in a retirement community.

So relieve her of the childcare and see how things go. But it sounds like you need to do that immediately.

My mum has known a couple of people who had to tell their children that they couldn't cope with having the grandchildren anymore.

editing to address the rest of it - about routine and stuff, my late father was like that. He also was really down in his late 70s after retirement and a bit forgetful. We were told that there was nothing wrong. My own feeling was that the stuff we saw in him a couple of years before he died may have been linked to the illness that he ultimately got. But I have no way of proving that.

A general health checkup might not be a bad idea.

I hear what you're all saying about the childcare, and have emailed the nursery today asking about extending DD's hours there. The thing is my mum will be really upset about giving it up - she really prides herself on being someone who knows young kids and takes care of them well. I think having done it for so long (which sounds exhausting to me too!) means that it's become part of her identity - in her own head, but I now realise in mine too. I think I've just seen her as so strong and capable for so long, it took your outside perspectives to see her as exhausted and at the end of her rope.
Thank you ❤️
I will bear in mind the hydration issue, too - she drinks about 3 small glasses of water a day and a couple cups of tea, but won't hear that that's not enough, even in the recent heat 🥴

Unfortunately while she may take pride in it she clearly can’t cope with if your child has another tantrum. I would be getting your mum to the doctors regardless as the other symptoms she’s showing can be symptoms of dementia.

We are both in our mid seventies, and from personal experience, some days are better ( more energy, more patience, more enthusiasm) than others. The ideal is having enough flexibility in your life to take the day off if it suits you. That’s what your current childcare arrangements don’t allow

Relieve your mother of the day to day childcare and just let her enjoy the odd visit. Don’t take her to the GP to see if she is losing her marbles just yet!

Sorry but her mother is having (new) outbursts and showing signs of paranoia. Nobody is saying she is losing her marbles but they are both signs of dementia. She needs to see a doctor.

And what will the doctor do? There’s no medicine for dementia, but plenty of anxiety in thé diagnosis

she (and her family) will be able to get support in what is a degenerative disease, and the family will be able to know if it can be inherited. There are also medications for certain types of dementia. While it can’t be cured, the medications can be used to manage the symptoms and potentially slow down the progression.

if she is starting to get paranoia and outbursts now, it could sadly become worse and support may become imperative.

she will also be able to put her affairs in order and assign a POA if she wants to, while she still has the capacity to do so.

and if she doesn’t have it, I’m sure it will be a relief for her and her family to cross it off the list and for her to pursue what the reason for her outbursts, paranoia and change in personality/confusion might be.

My mum was similar age when my dds were toddlers and she did start to get distressed / over annoyed about normal toddler behaviour. She couldn’t cope at all and got quite stressed. And she wasn’t doing childcare, just spending time with me and the dc. She did develop dementia a few years later.

When you tell her I’d suggest you frame it as “the nursery approached ME to offer more free hours as apparently we are entitled to it, so I accepted as it’s free and prepares her for school every week day so I hope you don’t mind but we both want what’s best for dc and you can still babysit at weekends or after school etc if that would still be ok? “

And then don’t proceed with her services much.
ie leave dc with her for more than an hour without you being there (ie ready to leave if dc becomes upsetting to your mum).

That way she will think it’s a normal type thing rather than shes being sacked! And perhaps drop in for coffee or taje then out on the day she would usually have dc so she’s not feeling bored and lonely or whatever as the house is quiet.

Does your daughter throw tantrums when your mum is taking care of her? I have experience of ey teachers both here and in India and have to say they usually get in front of tantrums with very clear boundaries - so it’s very possible she doesn’t see it as normal behaviour for your dd even if you do.

Childcare is good for your mum at this age but I’d suggest you do what other Indian families do an wrap it around a normal school / nursery day. Eg she either does the nursery drop off for you in the morning or has her afterwards for a few hours. A full day is probably too much.

I agree she's probably overwhelmed by exhaustion. I'm ten years younger and would baulk at having a two year old all day.
I'd put it that nursery have a vacancy for more hours which you felt you had to snap up. You think mum would enjoy looking after the toddler for shorter breaks, perhaps while you go to an appointment or occasionally at a weekend.
That way it lightens her load considerably and you can phase out the babysitting if you feel it's unsafe or too much for her.