Recovering from delirium

[Dandelionsordaffodils]

DM 88 recently had a chest infection that caused delirium. We're two weeks on from the worst of it. I stayed with her just over a week and brought her back to mine on Monday (DD at school, commitments here etc). I'm a three hour drive away.

Physically she's much recovered but mentally very nervous and has lost confidence in her abilities altogether. I don't think being here is ideal as she's out of her normal routines etc. Also has terrible and declining eyesight which doesn't help.

I don't even know what I'm asking here, just hope things will improve I suppose. Planning on taking her home at the start of the school holidays and see where we go from there.

Also I have 2 autistic teens, one very fragile mentally, who does not want to spend the summer there.

I feel like I'm going to have to end up moving her in with me (she did for her mother and I told my late dad I'd look after her).

I'm thinking of asking the GP for some medication to help with the anxiety.

Any useful suggestions gratefully received.

Please, please take a step back and think what "taking care of her" looks like. When my DF died I promised him I would look after DM. They were already living in an annex in our garden so it didn't seem too onerous. But with DM's failing health, increased physical disability and the start of dementia it took a terrible toll on my health, mentally and physically and my DH was left holding the family together.

When DM went into a nursing home I was broken with guilt that I hadn't kept my promise to DF. It took an extended family member and a good friend to point out to me that DF would never have asked me to do anything that would harm the rest of the family. DM, in the home, was clean, well fed, warm, entertained and had onsite nursing cover 24/7. She was looked after. And it was my decision that made that happen.

I'm not saying that that is the answer for you but do think long and hard about what is best for ALL of you, including your DC.

Delirium is bloody awful and not talked about enough. My DM is 3 years on from it now and although she no longer experiences delirium she still believes everything from that time was real (nothing she thought was so outlandish that it couldn’t possibly be true). DM takes Citilipram(?) which definitely helps with her general anxiety most of the time. She’s 82 and lives next door so thankfully we can be as involved or as hands off as required. Good luck OP.

Thank you so much for replying @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere and @Yellowpingu . I'm reminding myself that when DM took her mother in, I was at uni and pretty independent, DF was retired and her sister nearby. I'm starting to wonder if she'd manage at home with carers. She has money. Lots to think about. I don't want to break myself because my DC need me so much.

Was your DM independent before this? Measures like getting a cleaner in a couple of times a week, a gardener if necessary, ordering her groceries online with a delivery slot for when the cleaner is there might be a start and a more gentle introduction than going straight to carers. I find a CPR Guardian watch helpful. It tells me her heart rate, temperature, steps and location. I can use it to phone her so I know she’s not racing to answer the landline and most importantly, it alerts me if she falls. It was fiddly to set up though!

Also, join community Facebook groups local to your DM to find out about anything that might be available such as lunch clubs, transport to appointments etc

She is likely to be better in her own home and if you can spend a week or so with her there it will give you a good idea of what she can do. Don't do everything for her but try and observe what she manages herself. With a visual impairment she will know her own home like the back of her hand. Be prepared for setting up extra support for her. Would she go out to an Age UK day centre during the week if they collected her? If all that fails and you are in a position to have her and that is what she wants, that is great. I would do the same for my parents until they needed night time care and there I would draw the line.

It could be hard on your teens, having another person around who needs your attention and help constantly. I think you should focus on your children at this point in their lives.

My DM took a very hands on role in caring for her mum 12 years ago, when I left home. Her mum was then 84. She is now 96! …and my mum is now 70. She spent so much time doing stuff for my gran that she forgot to live her own life. Her 60s could have been her chance for fun and freedom.

Old age can last quite a long time, pace yourself. Try cleaner and carers in her own home and see how that goes. Allow it time to sink in to a new routine for her as well. It won’t feel like progress overnight

If I had my time again I’d put my mum into a home instead of trying to look after her ☹️ the carers were lovely but turned up at totally irregular times getting her up anytime between 6am and 10am and putting her to bed anytime between 6pm and 10pm - it was awful.

if you believe she has a good chance of recovering then put her into a home for respite care for a month, either she’ll get better being looked after and be ready to go home or she’ll settle in and not want to move out.

My dad has delirium from a chest infection . He spent 2 weeks in hospital and then spent another couple of weeks in a care home recuperating before he was well enough to go home. He never got back to pre-infection baseline though and in reality he should have stayed in the care home for at least another couple of weeks.

My DM always held up my aunt has an example of what a carer should be - she cared for her father, her mother in law and her aunt while my cousins were still at home and after they had left for university. My cousin pointed out that the point at which my aunt started caring she was in her 30's and her father, my grandfather, was 100% fit and well. Up until he died 4 years later he didn't require any "care" as such - just his meals and the odd drive to appointments. With her mother in law it was really a case of supporting the nurses and carers who came in to care for her for the last few weeks and the same with her aunt - it was a fortnight of caring before she went into hospital.

I was in my 50's, all the kids had grown up and left home and I was on call for her 24/7 unable to leave the house unless my daughter came to sit with her. But no, I should have been able to manage like my aunt did.

We used to get that from FIL "we always cared for our parents". His parents both died quite young - his mother after a very short illness spent in hospital and his father in an accident. MILs father died after a short illness mostly in hospital and MILs mother was well and active until a sudden heart attack killed her minutes after chatting with one of her friends in her sheltered.flat. she still had a warm cup of tea when the warden came round to check on a fault she had reported. All the "care" consisted of was Sunday lunch every 3rd week and sending teenaged DH round to mow her lawn before she moved to the flat or to carry her shopping home for her.

A care home very close to you might be something worth looking into?

Best of both worlds.

You can be a daughter to her.

Thanks everyone who has replied. I think she would be much better in her own house than here but I need to be here until school breaks up in a couple of weeks.

DM was managing okay before. Her sister who lives nearby does shopping and gardening and is good for practical support but not emotional support (they don't really get on). The main issues are a loss of confidence following the delirium and anxiety, but also her declining and now very poor eyesight.

I think I'll take her back home as soon as I can and see how she manages. I've suggested getting carers to come in to help with medication if necessary and anything else, more trying to get her used to the idea of it's necessary than a firm plan at this stage.

Also going to contact GP on Monday and see if they will prescribe anything to help with the anxiety.

I didn't expect so many replies, I'll read through them again now. Thank you everybody.