Does your parent pay you for the care you give?

[Dormit]

My mum pays me some of her attendance allowance for helping her. I’m gardening April to October, cleaning inside windows, present shopping, card shopping, food shopping, appointment booking and attending, meal prep, medicine prep, prescription ordering and collecting (posting always take too long), arranging transport, emotional support, cleaning, laundry, DIY, always at the end of the phone so speaking to her at least once a day, several messages although we chat in general so it’s hard to separate what’s normal and what’s care, meal planning, online ordering of food and household items. There’s very little I don’t do except she doesn’t require much personal care. I do her finger and toe nails regularly but that’s about it. Occasional showering if she’s particularly bad. We are looking at getting a carer because it’s too much but then what she pays me will decrease I imagine. At the moment I’m there 5-6 days a week between dropping off my child at school and picking him up again then a weekend day.
Does your parent/relative give you anything for the care you give? Is it wrong to accept money for this?

Sorry for so many posts on this board. I’m trying to figure out how to sort everything for the best because I’m at burnout. One thing I need to do is organise care for my days off so that they are actually days off.

Since I stopped receiving Carer's Allowance (pension age), my dad gave me his Attendance Allowance to replace it and was happy to do it.

Attendance allowance is to pay for help with daily living, all the things that you do, so your parent can give you the money, there's nothing wrong with that.
It's a lot for you to do though, maybe some of it could be used to pay a home help, give you some time off? It's exhausting physically and mentally!

That's a full-time job, no wonder you're exhausted! It would be fine for her to give you all the attendance allowance.

But would it help? A lot of what you're doing could be out-sourced (a paid service) if that's affordable. Or could be done differently (prescriptions). So it might well be better for her AA to pay for things so you do less.

It certainly does feel like a full time job. When we take into account the money needed for her consultant recommended exercise class, ready meals for when she can’t cook, and the car service she uses there’s not much left. These are all needed due to her disability. She gets the higher rate of AA and gives me just over half. I’m just curious to know what others get. I don’t have a job outside of this and I wouldn’t have time anyway.

What about her paying into a pension for you? What she’s asking of you is massive.

Are you claiming carer's allowance?

I accept petrol money as they are 70 miles away.

I don’t take any money from my DM
i for her shopping,cleaning,laundry,medical appointments,paperwork
I work FT but have some flexibility

Are you claiming Carer's Allowance @Dormit ? It's not a huge amount, but if you are not working, it will keep your NI contributions up to date. You need to think about your future too. You don't want to be in poverty when you are old because you cared for your mother when you were younger.

I get the carer’s element of UC. I went from Ds being young enough to not need to work, to a teaching assistant course but Covid put paid to that, then I worked for what turned out to be an elderly pervert who I had to report to the police and my mum needing help coincided with that job ending (I quit) so I’ve been “not working” since. I’ve recently had an ASD and ADHD diagnosis and considering how much I struggled in more regular employment I’m not sure I’ll be able to work again in the field I was, or any field where I have to deal with more than one person at once. I do worry about what will happen when my mum dies. Im
executor along with another sibling but they live far away and are unwell and working so I know it will be down to me to do it all and I’ll have next to know employment opportunities. I’m nearly 50 now and although highly qualified in my area I just couldn’t handle it without burning out. Not full time anyway. I feel guilty for being resentful too. My mum looked after her mum and dad but had help from her sister on weekends so she had weekends off. My grandmother looked after her sister by taking a meal once a week right into her 70s. My Dd has said she doesn’t want to look after me and I don’t blame her. I feel bad that she feels she’d be expected to.

With the carer’s element and what mum gives me it’s £3 something an hour 😩

You sound like you are doing way over the 35 hours to qualify for Carer's Allowance but if you do claim it (£83.00 a week) you can not earn more than £ 196.00 a week after tax/NI contributions so it may or may not be worth you claiming.

When my DM lived with us (in her own annex) she used her Attendance Allowance to pay for a member of the family to do her cleaning and it went towards the utility bills because she wanted heating on 24/7. By the time Social Services had assessed her and sorted out a care package for her she was actually suffering from dementia. She was most unwilling to have carers and expected me to pay for them (45 mins a day!) from my Carers Allowance. But she wasn't aware that she was paying for them herself in the end.

Why isn't your mother giving you all of her attendance allowance? It's not pocket money for her!

@healthybychristmasbecause she uses it for things like the exercise class her consultant said to do and the ready meals she needs because of her disability.

Plus I wouldn’t feel right asking for more. I’m supposed to do 35 hours a week caring for her and I’m not sure I do that in total and feel guilty. I suppose I’m on call 24/7 but actual time with her is more like 20. Phone calls and messages, shopping and online stuff add up to probably another 10 hours a week. To get the carer’s element it’s supposed to be 35.

Hi op my mam outsources big stuff eg hedges cut painting etc. My sister very good but no mam never pays. Think its expected.. I help on saturdays. I def find her mean though. My friends mams would give them money.

I think you’re very underpaid.

Has your mum had a social services assessment? Maybe she’s eligible for some help?

In terms of future work, if you could face being a companion carer for other elderly people after this, I think you’d be gold dust.

I’ve now got carers going in 4 times a day to support with medication and meals for the next 2 weeks. She’s not happy and it’s costing the best part of £600. She was shocked at the cost for 2 hours a day 7 days a week but I’ve explained this is how much carers cost, not £1.35 an hour!

I'm glad you've got some help involved. That close to complete burnout you need to take a break and as the phrase goes 'put your own oxygen mask on first'
Has she had a social care assessment because it sounds like she might qualify for assistance with care and depending on savings etc. might not have to pay the full amount?
As an example my dad had 4 care visits a day paid for by the council as he doesn't have savings above £23,000 and his house is rented. He's now had to move into a nursing home after a serious fall, so it's worth getting the assessment done whilst things are fairly ok