I am so sad

[gradygals]

A few years ago I found out that DH had been dating another woman, after nearly 65 years of marriage. I lost my mind completely and have never recovered to this day (6 years at least). About one month after I found out I sent a really vicious email all round the family as I hadn't had any recognition of my birthday. I bitterly regret that email sent in the middle of the night when I had not slept for several nights. Son and family have understood, but my daughter and family have never forgiven me. I was never the best Mum, but nobody ever is, especially after abuse. We were very short of money and hubby and I were always hungry (this is NOT/NEVER IS AN EXCUSE). I would do ANYTHING for forgiveness.

How old are you? What other issues/resentments are there with your daughter? There is obviously more than one email. Are you having/have you had any counselling?

That’s quite a few issues you’ve mentioned. Abuse, being unfaithful, poverty, not being a good mum, your family not recognising your birthday, not sleeping… sounds tough.

When did the abuse happen? Who abused you? Have you ever had counselling to deal with this?

Do you mean that you and your h were poor and hungry when your Dc were growing up? How did this impact your life and parenting?

What was your relationship like with your dd before this email?

Why had everyone ignored your birthday?

I have had counselling but I still regret my reaction. My Mum was not great and beat and verbally abused me. I was only child of parent's marriage. The only times of peace were at church (on my own) and at my lovely Aunt's home with her children. So totally an disfunctional adult in a not so great long time marriage.

I'm over 70 and living with long time husband.

You can't make someone forgive you. All you can do is say you're sorry and demonstrate a positive change in behaviour. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. It seems quite harsh to not forgive your mistake though so it would be interesting to hear your daughters side of the story.

That sounds tough.

But… I think you were entitled to be upset about your birthday being ignored, and your husband cheating on you. So while I don’t know what you said, the issue may be with your DD not with you.

I think it would be very bitter.

Have you talked to your daughter about your own upbringing which sounds very difficult. Not as an excuse but as a way to show her your past. It sounds like this may have had a big effect on you. Childhood experiences are formative.

There’s a lot going on, both then and now. And I’m guessing that if nobody was acknowledging your birthday, there is a lot of history here.

That email must have been a doozy. But it’s possible that your dd felt it was a ‘last straw’ situation - that the email wasn’t really the issue but it just topped off everything else. It’s very painful getting those sorts of missives from people who are important in your life, and perhaps she decided that the pain was too much.

In this situation I would have some therapy and do my best to cultivate a calm, enjoyable relationship with your son. I would keep sending low-key birthday cards etc to your dd and children. Over time I would hope that demonstrating an ability to stay calm and positive would start to mean she’ll be ready to be back in touch.

You must be at least 83 after 65 years of marriage. Hope your DD forgives you, people say hurtful stuff when they are hurting. Not sure why she is holding on to it.