Befriending service

[Dormit]

Hello, I’m at my wits’ end and need a break. We have been told about the befriending service by I think Age Uk. Does anybody use this snd if so how much does it cost? Does your parent like it? I can’t be responsible for the emotional wellbeing 24/7 and my mum needs someone else to come in and see her.

Age U.K. befriending service is free. They do an assessment and then match with a befriender. Face to face is not available in all parts of the country but they have a phone service too

My Dad uses a service that is through a charity but he pays for. I think it is about £15 an hour. A chap comes for a couple of hours a week. The original plan was that they attended a social group but Dad mostly just likes him to come and have a cuppa and chat.

I pay a carer to do this. £25 ph to listen to my mum wax lyrical about how great WW2 was and how awful her children are.
I am sorry you're at your wit's end.... big hug.

Thank you. We did call age uk ages ago and they said there was a long list and they prioritise those with no friends or relatives. I did a solid 4 hours at mum’s today gardening, prepping meds for the next two days, laundry, bins, meal for tomorrow, quick hoover and she was miffed I hadn’t sat down and chatted to her. Ds was there to chat and keep her company but I’ve explained I’m working and can’t do all the jobs and sit and chat for extended periods too. The problem is that whatever help mum needs, she disagrees and says she’s fine. I’m going to push for the befriending service though this time because I can’t be her only source of company. Dd is going tomorrow. She likes time with her grandmother and they have a good chat over a cup of tea for a couple of hours.

Mine has a cleaner that does the companionship role as well. So she pays for more hours than is needed just for the cleaning, and that will be spent chatting and drinking tea. Sometimes they go out in the car too.

Would that be a possibility?

But also sympathy! I think they forget what it’s like having a busy life. Mine was furious when she visited over a weekday and no one sat down and had a chat with her - with a full day at work, commuting, preschool kids to get fed and to bed!

I found a volunteer group in my mum's village with a Google search. They had a lady who had shared interests to my mum, she would visit one afternoon a week. I also arranged age concern befriender and various day centers around my mum's hobby.
My mum had carers, cleaner, gardener, my dad, my 2 siblings close by but nothing was ever enough. My parents were alcoholics and neglected me as a child so I felt very little obligation to do much for them.
If your mum wants to chat then she needs to get out to day centers and make friends. Most centers arrange transport and lunch.
It's difficult I hope you find some solutions.

That’s for old people apparently 🤣 I’ve tried telling her that they will be people just like her but she’s not interested. The Well-being service have loads of info on groups that do interesting talks, a lunch, basic socialising and she poo-pooed it all. Doesn’t want to commit to anything regular so it’s really difficult to get her to do anything. She goes to her exercise class weekly if well enough but doesn’t talk to people because they don’t talk to her. The don’t really socialise to be far but I feel like a parent trying to get my reception child to make friends.

Don't take it all on yourself, if she wants company she needs to make the effort. She can't just expect you to do it all but obviously prefers to burn you out because it's easier for her. Selfish bugger.
Do as she asks, stop doing housework and just chat with her. Her decision if the bins are left, house gets dirty etc if she isn't managing to do her cleaning might be time for her to pay for help, adult services can help sort that out. Does she get attendance allowance? None of the oldies I met at the day centers thought they were old, they had fun together. Unfortunately my mum was a selfish moaner and even old people avoid difficult people.

She worries I’m doing too much but at the same time won’t do anything to change that or it’s said in that horrible way if, “if it’s too much for you.” Or worse, in a cross voice, “this isn’t working out is it” as though it’s my fault. I get she’s frustrated but any suggestion that she helps herself is met with defensiveness and irritation. I’m going to suggest that once she’s more mobile that she goes to the day centre once a week in a day I don’t go. My sister doesn’t see her regularly and only gives short notice for visits so I’m changing my days to suit other people coming. Mum just says that that’s the only day they can come so tough basically. Day centre is definitely a good idea. I know she’s lonely and she’s quite negative in her outlook which is understandable with her pain but that’s not for me to fix. She did have phone calls with the well being people but decided she didn’t need them. She was supposed to have CBT to challenge the negative thinking but her attitude is that that’s just the way she is and she won’t change at her age (80s).

Age uk do this service but there is normally a long waiting list for it. They do have the silver line service though which is 24/7. Other charities may run this in your area. Speak with the GP surgery and see if they have a social prescriber as this is their bread and butter day job really, they should know everything that goes on in the area including befriending.

Next time she says 'if it's too much' say yes it is too much and that you can't keep this up.
This isn't working. No it isn't working mum I am exhausted, not getting any younger myself. Whatever you feel comfortable saying.
Ignore the tone of voice that is to guilt and emotionally blackmail you.
The bottom line is it will get worse and you will become resentful. It is not your problem to fix. If she doesn't want to change that is her choice and you step back. You are the dogs body I am afraid xx
Edited to say. If she doesn't need any of the help offered by others or cbt then she doesn't need you doing it either.

My late DM had an Age Uk lady come in once a week and she loved it. When she moved nearer to me I tried to get it arranged again but it was only a telephone appt and basically the first one Mum started crying saying she was lonely and they immediately called me….most of the county had my number!

Could you (she) pay someone to do the jobs and you just spend time? It sounds really hard.

My dad had a gentleman who visited once a week. Theres quite a long waiting list. I'd stop doing all the jobs and get her to pay someone to do the cleaning etc and then you've got time to sit and chat

I’ve organised carers to go in 4 times a day to support her with meals and medication for two weeks to give me a beeak. I will go twice a week to clean and garden. Other than that, for the next 2 weeks I’m on holiday.