Feelings when they die

[Orangesandlemons77]

Anyone else with complicated feelings after the death of an elderly parent?

My dad died recently. My mum who was divorced from him and spent a lot of time slagging him off to me growing up, wrote me a sympathy card telling me to 'come together as a family'

I mentioned to my old friend about this and she told me she 'thought my mum was right"

It's interesting as friend has trained in therapy and thought they might be interested in how I felt about that before telling me her opinion but no.

I'm struggling with feelings of guilt, I am not close with mum and had a difficult time growing up.

It was difficult at the funeral as an aunt turned up crying her eyes out but yet she wasn't that nice to dad either, or supportive when they divorced.

I guess when they die it brings up a lot of stuff from the past, not easy.

My circumstances are very different but I can totally agree with the mixed emotions/complicated feelings. I was very close to both my parents and when my DF died 13 years ago I was devastated. I cried and cried - my eyes are filling up even writing this.

When DF died I became DM's carer. She expected me to be her constant companion as well as doing all the housework, cooking, washing, dressing, bringing her breakfast in bed, undressing, putting her to bed. And as time went on she needed more and more. I did get a care package which meant a carer coming in morning and evening every day but she resented them - why should she pay for something I could do for free!

Then she had a hospital admission and I had a breakdown. While she was in hospital all the concerns that I had been in denial about became too loud to ignore and it was agreed that she had dementia and needed care 24/7.

She was in the home for nearly 3 years before having a seizure and dying a week later. We had agreed with the palliative care nurse, mum's own input as far as she was able and the staff in the home that she would not have any medical treatment "save that which was needed for comfort and dignity". She had the seizure on the Saturday and we visited her daily, seeing her deteriorate each day. Then after visiting on the Saturday we felt the end was very close so on the Sunday we went prepared to stay until the end. When she died I felt completely numb. And even now, 11 months later, I flip between tears for the mum I lost many years ago and relief that my lovely mum is no longer suffering and then numbness because the mum who died was not the mum I knew and loved.

I'm sorry this is so long. It is a really tough place to be and you are not alone.