Helping someone who won’t accept help

[yorkie99]

TLDR: DM needs help but won’t accept it .

She has had a hard life - never any money, being treated badly by men, very very low self esteem, worked really hard her whole life.

She now lives in a house which is falling to pieces and would be uninhabitable to many people. She has moved once a few years ago in the hope of a fresh start but the house has fallen into the same state. It’s got loads of damp, and is really dirty. She has 2 dogs - which are all she lives for - but one of them is aggressive and she can’t walk them. She also keeps chickens which come in and out at will.

She has had problems with her knees for years and has refused to get them fixed. Her health is getting worse - she can hardly walk, and is in constant pain. Recently she has fallen in the shower and couldn’t get up and broken a rib when the dog jumped on her. Her ankles are swollen, she’s covered in bruises, all her teeth have fallen out and she smells. She has no support nearby and never goes anywhere - I think she might have a drinking problem.

The problem with all this is that she will not accept any help. She won’t let people in her house (but she also can’t walk anywhere which makes visiting hard - I am a solo mum and live 100 miles away and her sister - only other support - lives 300 miles away). We’ve recently had a couple of scares where we can’t get hold of her and have thought she’s had an accident so have talked to her directly about getting help. But she flat out refuses and then gets funny with us. She’s currently not talking to me as I said I was going to ask social services if they could help .

I feel like she is just sat in her house waiting to die. What am I meant to do in this situation? It’s only going to get worse but I don’t know how to help if she won’t accept it .

AIBU to contact social services?

Sorry to hear this.

Go ahead with a social services referral as in situations like there we still work with people under CARM (complex adults risk management) and try to engage them. You can ask to remain anonymous though your mum may guess it was you.

If she’s acting as she is there may be some cognitive decline as she’s not managing risk well at all.

So no YABNU.

Suggest moving this to the elderly parents board for more help.

Thank you - how do I get the post moved?

It can be hard to accept when the people we love make bad choices, but if she's of sound mind then it's completely her choice to live like that.

Unfortunately in cases like these it's not until something drastic happens that changes can be made.

I would perhaps look into a few different options of helping and tell her about them, letting her know they're available if she ever changes her mind.

Report it & ask for it be moved.

Yanbu, she needs social services help by the sounds of it.

Im taking she wont agree to go to the doctors with you? sounds like cognitive decline sadly.

After the last episode she told me she’d made doctors app and I said I would travel down to go with her but this morning she sent me a message just saying ‘cancelled’

@yorkie99thats sad, she definitely needs to see a doctor. Maybe if you can? Go & visit her for a few days and see if the doctor can come out to her at home. Something isnt right.

Can I contact her doctors and speak to someone or will they only speak directly to her?

You can ring her GP’s and tell them of the situation she is living in and that she refuses to let you do anything to help her, and stress her level of vulnerability. They will probably not be able to ‘discuss’ her with you, but at least they would know the issue, same with SS.
Unfortunately, if the person has capacity, it often takes an emergency (fall or serious medical issue, or wandering at night etc) for anything to change.
At least you will feel that you tried to help, if you have done the above.
Age UK can be helpful to talk to, they will hear this issue frequently and might have suggestions you haven’t thought of.

Those sounds so similar to my DM. I tried calling her doctors but they said they would need her to give them permission to speak to me, she wouldn't give permission and in my case they wouldn't make a note on her file.

I have referred to adult social services a couple of times, there should be an online form on the council website for her area for reporting concerns about a vulnerable adult. Social services were responsive and went to see her/ offered a care review but she turned them away and she has capacity, so they can't go further without consent.

Ultimately I have had to accept that she has capacity and is choosing to live this way. I remind her frequently that I can help her make changes if she changes her mind. It's incredibly hard to watch, you have my sympathy!

Thank you so much and sorry to hear about your mum too. I feel so helpless and also so frustrated.

I forgot to mention, when reporting to social services you can ask them to keep the report anoymous but youll need to tell them that explicitly ime.

A friend's brother was not dissimilar. Lived in a house with no heating or hot water etc, didn't look after himself.
In the end there was a crisis and he was moved into residential care. This might happen with your Mum if she breaks a hip rather than a rib next time.
It's a really difficult situation and it's not your fault.

Sadly you cannot help your mother who ultimately does not want to be rescued and or saved. It’s not your fault and you did not make her this way.