Dealing with parents who hate each other but refuse to divorce

[Om83]

My parents are mid 70’s and have so much contempt for each other it is a very toxic environment. Communication has broken down to a point that is irreparable (other than a few days of civility before it blows up again)

they won’t divorce or live separately- they both love their home where they have been for 35 years and the thought of living somewhere much smaller /worse / starting again is not appealing as is dividing possessions and finances- too overwhelming. Mums attitude is that one of them will be dead soon so live in misery until then… she is desperately unhappy and has mentioned suicide but says she won’t do it as a bad example to set to the grandkids😬

they also want to keep up the pretence of being ‘together’ for family gatherings, but the contempt often bubbles over into barbed comments to each other in front of us all, or one of them will refuse to come because of an argument they’ve had so they are not getting the most out of that arrangement… We used to go on family holidays, and my kids still ask can we all go away together but mum refuses to spend time away with my dad, and I imagine hard to keep up the ‘pretence’ for that long.

they have both done things to hurt each other over the years, so hard to now say who is right or wrong. I used to try to mediate between them, point out different perspectives etc but they are very much stuck in their ways with no willingness to change on either side. I find it upsetting and dread seeing them as it’s so toxic, so have pulled back a little to preserve my own sanity and avoid seeing them where I can, I feel sick when I see my mum calling me as I know it’s an onslaught of rage against my dad.

everything I suggest re counselling (together and solo), mediation, even telling them to divorce with my blessing makes no difference. They do not ‘believe’ in talking to a stranger about their problems or how it could possibly help resolve anything. I’m trying to accept their relationship is down to them and not in my power to change but awful to see them make each other so unhappy, when they could have another 10-20 yrs ahead like this!

Mum doesn’t have anyone else to talk to so off loads about my dad onto me… it has definitely soured my relationship with my dad and we are not very close anymore as I feel like I am betraying my mum even though I can see that she is partly to blame in some situations and says the most horrible things about him. It does help her to off load and she is aware that I find it difficult, she says tries not to but as I said has no one else and will not even consider counselling- it does seem to diffuse her temper by offloading and with the threat of suicide she def needs to release some of her emotions.

I don’t know what to do. They are both in ok health, my dad has a few more issues but are controlled with medications, he drinks too much so will prob be him to go first, unless mum cracks and kills herself before then… I can’t believe I’m even thinking like that and the guilt of thinking that and knowing that I can’t fix it and they will die in misery is too much…

have I missed any other options to help them?
do I just leave them to it??

anyone else been in this situation and how did you handle it?

No one is denying it's difficult @redboxer321 and plenty of us who have offered advice do have experience of this it seems. The thing is, you/I/OP do not have to listen to it - the complaints, the threats, the gaslighting.
We can stop the conversation, change the subject, hang up, walk away. It isn't easy and it can feel horrible, but we can do it.

I have a very similar situation OP; I’ve had to really distance myself and put in firm boundaries with my mum as I realised how much it was affecting my family (husband and two teens) because I was so tense from it. I was tense whenever the house phone rang, dreading the calls. I hate going to their house as I’m dragged into it from both sides, they behave a little better in public. I felt I had to listen and lend an ear, advise. It was draining, and nothing ever changed. There’s historic DV in their relationship too, which rears its ugly head particularly when fuelled by alcohol (both), but she won’t leave, we’ve tried.
I’ve had lots of therapy over the years, but more recently a different type, which has really helped me ‘see’ I can’t change it.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.

@HappyKatieA sounds v similar! What is the recent therapy that has helped you? Have you managed to put boundaries in place/reduce contact etc successfully??

I always wonder why they put themselves through this- @Lottapianos hadn’t considered they might actually be getting something out of their messed up dynamic… interesting to consider and does actually help to take it off me that they are consciously choosing to stay (I mean I know of course they are choosing it but I can only see it as a trapped/helpless choice)

@GardenGaffdef will never put our kids through this- my marriage with DH is complete opposite to theirs. Also anticipating the grieving widow act.. (although she has said she will dance over his body if he has a heart attack and dies at home- nice huh!)

'I mean I know of course they are choosing it but I can only see it as a trapped/helpless choice'

Because that's how they / your mother has always presented it to you. Btw, her threats of suicide are extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive - in particular the little stinger that the only reason she's not actually going through with it is because of the grandchildren. Just awful

Sorry, I shouldn't have doubted anyone's experience.
Apologies for that.

What will happen if one or both of them deteriorates physically and mentally? Will they expect you to step in and care for them?

Elderly parents can be very challenging without a dysfunctional relationship in the mix.

They need to divorce.

I’d say step back as far as you can. They’re adults who’ve made their own beds…
My friends parents are like this, although I’d never know without her saying they are nice as pie with company. I’ve known them 50yrs. She’s always said they wont be happy until the other dies, but both going strong in their late 80’s now despite a few health blips in their 70’s. This could be a long haul OP!

@Om83
I’ve had a number of sessions with a psychologist, I’m now having EMDR. The turning point for me was reading ‘Toxic Patents’, which I read on recommendation from here.

Your parents both get what they want out of their both dysfunctional and codependent relationship. They are together for their own reasons and none of those involve you or are any reflection on you. You've been trained and otherwise conditioned by both to put their needs first with your own dead last. Your mother in particular has done a lot of emotional damage to you here over the years by using you amongst other things as her confidant; a role that you never asked for or wanted. Both parents here have failed you abjectly.

Toxic Parents is indeed a good read.

It is easy for me to write this too but you really do need to drop the rope here they hold out to you. Stop with listening to their tirades against each other and themselves. Put the phone down on her when either start going on about the other. Make yourself available to them only at set times/days suitable to you; your own family unit could be losing out somewhat here due to your parents taking up some much of your headspace.

My ILs did not divorce although they should have done. I saw the rewriting of history after FIL died; you would have thought the man was a saintly figure given what she said about him. The truth was somewhat different; they could both barely stand to be in the same room as each other.

What a waste of lives too - I honestly think if all love has gone people in 60s and early 70s should still split up - why live out your likely last 20 years in misery ? I would rather live in a one bed over55s flat than that - a lovely really intelligent lady I know divorced at 71 - bought herself a river view shared ownership in London and is having a ball

Completely agree. My mum complained about my dad from me being a really small child. When that happens, even as an adult you don’t quite get that you can just walk out when they do it. Forums like these are invaluable as it shows you what you are “allowed” to do which, if you’ve been groomed and parentified as a parents emotional crutch just does not occur.

some of the stuff my mum used to tell me was absolutely vile. She also could not bear if I showed any sympathy to him, even when he was dying she was furious when I got slightly upset .

i had times like this with my parents. I remember constantly as a child my dad moaning about my mum in the car to school or her announcing they were divorcing. We had some great times too but I was always on edge when arriving with my family for an occasion as they would usually be at each others throats until the food was served/wine flowing. My dad worked until he was 80 I think mainly to avoid having to spend too much time with mum. I don’t know why they never divorced but suspect it was financial. I learnt way too much about their relationship than I needed to. Mum loved to confide in me and offload.

Both of their healths declined and Dad has now passed and it’s amazing how mum is rewriting history which we let her do as she’s old and frail now too.

All I can suggest is pulling back with the listening. The suicide threats are terrible. I thought the 999 suggestion was good.

I’ve made a vow never to talk to my kids about my relationship. I would use counsellors or friends.