Mum in hospital

[tobee]

Just feeling sad.

My beautiful dm is in hospital having had a stroke yesterday it would seem.

She is 88 nearly 89 and called me yesterday afternoon to say could I come as she was feeling terrible. With a headache since that morning.

Anyway, after much effort to pass herself off as fine an ambulance was called and she was taken to hospital.

Ds (adult) and I stayed with her until about 2.30 am and drove home.

Hospital care was excellent. She had a ct scan doctor said that no bleed on it but symptoms hadn't resolved so they would give her a mri soon.

My sister was at mum's looking after my dad who is 90 and has dementia.

We knew it was coming - some serious life changing health issues and now it has.

Mum is dad's sole carer. She has poor walking ability normally. They have a carer who comes once a fortnight for 2 hours and cleaner who comes once a fortnight. They don't want anything else but will have to now.

Anyway, the symptoms my mum has are occasionally words forgotten and made up words used instead. And forgetting who the pm is. And forgetting our middle names etc. She's normally totally on the ball with this stuff. But you can still have a conversation with her and she's reasonably cheerful but wants to go home and see my dad. She also suddenly couldn't remember how to work her phone and similar stuff.

From what I've read there's probably going to be little improvement for her. I'm thankful it's as mild as it is but so much will have to change. She's on aspirin right now to prevent further attacks as far as I can tell.

Dad had a tia about 25 years ago with very similar symptoms but it resolved within an hour or so. Plus we was only 65.

I just wanted to reach out.

I'm incredibly tired after last night and have been alone most of the day as the rest of the family has been out taking shifts in hospital or with my dad. Ds is in bed catching up on last night and popped in to say he is also suffering hay fever. Adult dd took a shift looking after my dad today. I'm due down tomorrow to do my shift. Everyone has been great but I still feel alone. I need a distraction.

Sorry this is so long. I know it's early days.

So sorry - I don't really have any helpful words for you but will be thinking of oyu.

Thank you so much @P00hsticks

Also just want to send a handhold in solidarity.

Thank you @Halsall

@tobee I hope you managed to get some much needed sleep last night (difficult in the circumstances, I know) and find your dad manageable and in good health today. How severe is his dementia ? Is he able to comprehend what is happening with your mum ?

Thanks for the reply.

He is able to understand but worries a lot. He seemed to get into his head today that we were keeping something from him. We have taken a few photos of mum to let him see she's pretty good.

Had a long afternoon today. I went to the supermarket to pick up some magazines for mum and take supplies down to be with dad. I swapped with my sister who'd seen mum this morning while her sons were with my dad. Then they left when I went to see mum. Dad can be left a couple of hours. Then back to get dad his dinner. Clear up and sit with dad while messaging the family about how everyone is and cancelling appointments mum had this week. Then I ate after dad went to bed. Now drinking a glass of wine while the dishwasher runs then clear up more and bed. Then up tomorrow to get dad breakfast. Be ready for the pre arranged Morrisons delivery. Back home (1 hour away) for urgent dental appointment. Dd will be visiting mum and then coming to sit with dad until I return.

It's the logistics all around that's so hard. Especially as dd doesn't drive and is autistic so has some anxiety while keen to help out. Ds will be working tomorrow. I'll be here again tomorrow night with dad.

He'd forgotten I was staying told me I should go home as he was going to bed at 9 o'clock. I said I'm staying! He said ok and then still turned all the lights out on me!! 😆

Seeing mum she's very bored, doesn't want to be there. There's no telly or radio on the ward or bed. The other patients talk to themselves all day and shout in the night. 😑Hospital: the place with all the equipment and great staff who are kind and well trained. But so hard to sleep and recover and cope with the trauma of being suddenly unwell and loneliness and helplessness. 😞😞😞

Signed off too soon. (Tired) Talking to mum she's 95% normal and can joke and is herself. But then can't remember some things. And words. And substitutes some made up word for another one quite convinced it's correct and can even spell the made up word. How weird the brain is.

I am very sorry, and hope for the best possible outcomes for you all.

@tobee I'm sorry you are going through it right now. Sending hugs 🫂 💐 🙏 ❤️ and solidarity x try and rest if you can x

It's also weird being in their house where dad used to be chatting and joking with everyone; making sure everyone had a wine or a beer or a juice. Plenty to say on every topic. Playing games with the grandchildren that he'd often devised himself. Mum joining in with the conversations; politically astute and strong in her left wing opinion. Enjoying herself cooking up some lovely and interesting food.

Sending you love, these things are tough

Thanks everyone.

I spoke to mum's older sister on the phone earlier (she's 92!) who had a very similar medical event to mum earlier with the same kind of headache and the memory and word issues. She told me hers all resolved in 2 or 3 days (I remember the occasion obviously) and, indeed, now you'd never know. She still lives independently on her own but does not have mobility issues or dementia or much poor affect from her 3/4 mini strokes.

It might give me some hope but, of course, everyone has a different trajectory.

@tobee I’m so sorry to hear about this. I work for a community stroke team and if there’s anything you want to ask do PM me. I hope things look more positive soon.

So sorry tobee - not only do you have the shock to deal with, but the logistical stuff is brutal too on a purely day-to-day level. And I know so well what you mean about being in the family home when everything's so different. When my dear mum was in hospital and I was staying to be nearby, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I’d never, ever slept a night alone in our house because either mum or dad had always, always been there.

It's hard. Easy for me to say, I know, but do try and look after yourself and especially get as much sleep as you can.

Thanks for more replies.

Just nearly sobbed because had to deal with their supermarket delivery. So much stuff! I think mum just gets the same lot every fortnight. Crowds of cakes, cheeses, more bacon, two lots of sausages, ham, salami. Pots of cream, loads of packets of bread and rolls and crumpets. Just insane. There are also a few ready meals and some nice fruit, salad etc. A massive bag of frozen hash browns to cram in the freezer which already has a massive pack of hash browns in there plus other stuff.

I said to my sister it's like stuff ordered by a mad person who thinks the world is about to end but it's also Christmas and 5 people are about turn up who are all hoping to die of a coronary any time soon. Not 2 elderly people living quietly with access to food internet shopping any time they like.

My dad kept trying to get up and help because he "didn't want me to carry anything heavy" I felt like shouting "dad 6 multi packs of crisps and a packet of Mr Kiplings lemon Battenberg slices are not that heavy!" I was very firm and he sat back down again.

Going to see mum shortly.

Oh and that was just a small portion of the stuff that came in the supermarket delivery I listed above!!

Could you quietly step in and amend the order to a sensible level, maybe? Or suspend it for a bit? At least that’s one practical thing you can do, and then another huge delivery won’t arrive in a fortnight…

I see you live an hour away. Is the main burden falling on you? Could there be a sort of rota drawn up between family members to spread the load semi-evenly?

Oh - and 💐💐

It all happens so quickly doesn't it. My DM had a medical episode nearly 4 years back now and the impact of the aftermath to it all was (and still is) horrible. I hope your DM improves similarly to your Aunt OP; fingers crossed.

Re; food. Can you amend their shop at all? Do you have access to the account? My DF does all the shopping now for them both and the amount of money that goes to Tesco each week is ridiculous...I have to empty the fridge/cupboard every few weeks because stuff goes off. The last time I did a clear out, a bag of potatoes had got lost at the back of the cupboard and basically turned to brown liquid that had spilt throughout the pots and pans...cue an hour of cleaning and bleaching that I hadn't the time for!!! Still feel ill from the stench of cleaning that up!

Mums been pretty good this week and chatty when I've seen her. Eating and so on but bored

This afternoon I went to visit her. She was fine but really bored and wanted me to get a paper to read.

Then she spoke to my sister on the phone while I was here. She seemed tired and a bit confused answering some questions.

Suddenly she couldn't remember anything of why she was here. Thought she was in a restaurant. Didn't know why she was here or have any memory of the past week but knew me and my dad and my sister. I've been trying to reassure her. Over and over. She's trying to sleep now but the next door neighbour has sparked up and is shouting and complaining about her situation. I'm just sat here next to mum.

She said she's worried about what's happening and that she wants my dad. She wants him to be here. It's surreal really right now

We just talked (a teeny bit) about life being funny and I said "we've had some ups and downs in our lives" (life events etc) and she said "we haven't really" I said "we've had plenty of good times in between" and she said "I hope to have some more good times" 😞

@tobee she might yet have some good times

Mum's had similar episodes, but that was age 84. How are you holding up?

Thanks for your comment @EmeraldRoulette .

I left mum at 9pm as I didn't know what else to do. I thought I couldn't stay when everyone was preparing for bed but no one told me to leave.

I've been chatting to Dh (whose parents died 10 and 20 years ago) and he just let me ramble on really. Gave me all the time I needed.

I fell asleep fully dressed on the sofa because I was so tired and woke up after 3 hours and have got ready for bed. Adult ds came in from seeing friends and we were chatting but now we're just chilling on the sofa with distracting tv on. I just want background noise.

I'm glad that I was there with mum when she had her "turn" because a) I would have been shocked to turn up tomorrow to find a change b) I hope a familiar face helped mum a bit and I just tried to calmly answer her questions 3) was able to get the nurses to check everything, and reassure me

If you have the energy Google neuroplasticity. The brain is an amazing thing after stroke and can make an excellent recovering. Try and keep your mum stimulated for example reading the paper and getting her to talk about what she has read, get her to work out how to use her phone again (most likely with your help) and make some calls. Bring in some old photos and get her chatting about them. Has she ever used an iPad? If she was already familiar with one get her using it again, apps like lumosity are good. I’m hoping she is seeing a good OT and SALT? Things like observing her brushing her teeth or having a wash are good, does she problem solve correctly, use the objects correctly, get the order right? Make sure she has day and night clothes, her own wash bag filled with her things etc. I wish her a speedy recovery.

Thanks so much @Hairyfairy01 for your thoughtful post.

I've been cursing the day we got her an android phone many years ago as I don't really know anything other than Apple products. But will take in my iPad and she would probably like to watch the tennis. And she asked for a newspaper to have today before her latest episode of confusion but I thought I might as well anyway. She's normally a great devourer of news, literature and likes things like Curb Your Enthusiasm.

When I say that about phone operating systems I just find android difficult to sort or to explain when there are problems.