Unrealistic expectations

[Redlettuce29]

My mum is mid-80s and after a long stay in hospital last year she moved into a care home to be with my dad who was already there. Unfortunately he died a week later, but she's stayed there since. I live four hours' drive away but my brother is near to her.
She doesn't have any mental health issues but is lonely and pretty demanding, expecting everything to be exactly the way she likes it. She is limited in mobility but doesn't accept it, thinking we can take her out for walks and things, she can walk a bit around the home itself slowly with a walker but I wouldn't be confident to take her out in the street, she won't use a wheelchair.
A lot of the other residents are older and some have dementia and she hates being around them, frankly she thinks they are beneath her. So she's unhappy there but when she lived in her flat before her illness she couldn't really manage, found it difficult to even heat up a ready meal and hated being on her own. She couldn't really cope with running the home and would expect my brother to go round immediately for any minor matter that in her mind was a crisis (eg lightbulb blown) and made a massive fuss if he went on holiday or even out for a meal because he wouldn't be available to support her. She can wash and dress herself.
We get daily messages (she won't telephone) in-between visits saying how unhappy she is, and this conversation dominates every visit, but we can't see any alternative arrangement. She can't afford a live-in, and she would expect one to be on duty all hours, be of the same faith as her, which they won't be, and keep to her dietary requirements themselves. She also refuses to prepare the spare bedroom properly for a live-in to live there.
It would be impossible to have her live with us, neither of us have homes that are suitable (no spare bedroom or ground floor bathroom and I have a young family) and we know she'd be very demanding, insist on someone being there all the time and making the food that she likes. The latest is she says she wants to advertise for a family to live with "as her own have abandoned her".
She did go to see a self-contained flat in a care home with 24 hour call buttons and a restaurant but said it was too far to walk to the restaurant, even with a walker, and she'd have to use a lift which she's frightened to do, the other people in the communal lounge weren't friendly enough (she won't start a conversation, expects others to). Can't imagine her in a sheltered flat without a restaurant because she probably wouldn't eat properly like she didn't before, and she wouldn't see anyone.
We're out of ideas. Can anyone help?

Thanks. The care home is Jewish but a lot of the residents aren’t and her religious requirements seem to be much more than they were when she lived by herself/with my dad and aren’t being met. Another cause of complaint.

My Dad had a month in respite and his biggest moan was, effectively, having to live with 32 others that he hadn't chosen to live with.

A couple of ladies constantly talked about how high the fees were. This made him.anxious. Two other residents had medical issues which make the scream out. This regularly spooked him. The noise of people always coming and going. Sadly the quiet lounge was out of order when he was there as renovations were being done.

He made friends with the other two guys (there were only 3 men in the home at the time). He was happy with the care and food but really struggled living in such a frantic environment.

Have you checked out if you have an abbeyfield nearby? Independent room/apartment but meals provided in a shared dining room. They don’t provide care or cleaning but you can hire in help if needed. They each have a day they can use the laundry facilities. It gives independent living with a little extra care and some social interaction

@Redlettuce29 My DM was in a care home but no dementia residents. It was £5,500 a month but it was very pleasant. You find older people cannot accept limitations but you could look for a better home. One that’s closer to her needs.

I took DM out in the car when she was fit enough to go. The home also had a mobility vehicle. I’d see what you can manage but I’d look for another home without dementia patients. They unfortunately drove dm mad in hospital but your DM can have a quieter home. Dm made good connections with other residents and was as happy as she could be.

Whilst she might think she'd be happier with you, at what cost to you? I wouldn't give in to this. My MIL would be fine. My DM absolutely not. She spreads misery and upset wherever she goes.

I don't know if something like Shared Lives would work?

Nod, sympathise, redirect.

I would just leave her to her own devices. I couldn't cope with or someone like that.

You must be a saint putting up with all that.

She's unbelievably selfish and is making your life hell.

Unless you need an inheritance from her I would just cut her off.

Well show her what abandonment is really like and do abandon her because she doesn't deserve you.

Some people are too awful and your mother is one of them.

And who are this family who will take her in? she would have to pay them thousands to put up with her.

Thanks for the suggestion, I’ll look into it. She specifically wants to be in a place where they observe her faith and this one already doesn’t do that enough to satisfy her, which is another cause of complaint, although it’s still more than she observed when she lived in her own or with my dad.

I suspect they don’t exist. I joked with my brother that it would be like the episode of Only Fools and Horses where some relatives took the uncle to the granddad’s funeral and left him there.

She went to see an apartment in a place like this that should have been ideal but for various reasons she wasn’t happy with it.

@Redlettuce29 Faith just has to be observed privately. All parents feel abandoned in homes miles from dc. Abbeyfield are good if there’s space available. Don’t give in to her living with you but look for alternative homes.

I think you need to try to make your peace with the fact that she’s unhappy and she’s going to blame you. You’ve done your best and that’s the most you can do. Detach, detach, detach.

I appreciate that’s easier said than done and, having a deeply narcissistic mother myself, I do totally understand that desire to try to meet her needs and expectations. But it’s simply not possible.

We're getting this with an elderly relative, going on about 'putting her in a prison' (care home) it's not easy. I think the relative close by just leaves if she starts being like that and goes back when she is behaving better.

A bit like a toddler, really. Learning there are consequences for being unpleasant.

“she wants to advertise for a family to take her in.”

Good luck with that! Why would she think an unrelated family (Jewish, I presume) would want to take in an old and very demanding lady in her eighties, with mobility issues?

@Redlettuce29 sounds incredibly frustrating and I suspect even if you sorted out a perfect Jewish care home at the correct level of faith she would still be unhappy - this isn’t fixable so don’t drive yourself insane trying to.

I don't think moving her will necessarily improve things but I have to say that anyone involved in people going into nursing homes will jump at the chance of working with a Jewish home as they are usually better.

From your updates OP it sounds like you've suggested various options for your relative and she's found fault with each one. I do understand that a lack of personal autonomy and reliance on care home staff rather than family for care is challenging to accept when she's used to being the family matriarch. But time and health deterioration change things.
Anyone would struggle to accept that. I know aunt and I had rows about it and she's still sulking (but well looked after in a nursing home) 5 years later! DM on the over hand was much more physically medically impaired but had a positive attitude and was loved by and appreciated the staff in her nursing home.
Realistically you are unable to provide medical and social care for her and she's hoping to undermine your decision and trying to get you to change your mind. You do realise even if she did live with you she'd be complaining about you behind your back to anyone who'd listen?! Her cup is half empty as default.

I’m sorry of I’ve missed it OP but what’s her funding / financial situation? Did their house get sold so that she could move into a care home? Have you / her / family got lots of money to throw at the problem? Has she ever had a care assessment that indicated a care home was the only option and that she needed 24/7 care?

Also, you say she’s okay apart from limited mobility. You also mention ‘after her illness’ - what was that?

it seems that she’s jumped from lonely / bored / some mobility issues at home to full-time care in a nursing / dementia home - and skipped all the supported living options in between.

Having said that, please don’t put too much weight on making her happy: you can’t do that. Everything could be perfect - and she'd still be miserable, complaining etc. Getting old sucks, that’s for sure, but that’s not a problem that can be solved.

OP, she’s not going to like anywhere. Change the subject.

And breathe. Er, has DM always been this impossible? Getting unreasonable is the first bit of dementia.

It doesn’t get assessed on the general tests because some people have always been nightmares, but if it’s a change for her, that’s what’s going on.

Don’t move her, let alone out of care. Change the subject - a lot of old people with old brains are pretty horrible, and the selfishness is the dying gasp of the survival mechanism.

Nature makes it easier to let go for the rest of us.

Shes safe, fed, warm and cared for.
The wants of someone towards the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.
Stop engaging so much, messages can be left unanswered. Ignore the complaints.
When modern medicine keeps so many of us now alive for so long, sometimes good enough has to do.
Go live your life. It’s your turn.

Sounds to me like no solution would ever be right, so your efforts are likely futile. People are either the type to accept and make the best of things or they are not - seems she's the latter.

…the selfishness is the dying gasp of the survival mechanism.

This is a really useful observation. My SIL is currently knocking herself out trying to make my FIL happy. Her ongoing complaint is that he’s behaving selfishly: she’s quite right, he absolutely is and it’s because he is trying to ensure his own needs are met by guilt-tripping her, calling her constantly, making endless requests for little insignificant things. She finds it very hard to set boundaries - so she wants him to not be so ‘selfish’. But he’s mid 80s, lonely and frail, early dementia and anxious with it: of course he’s being ‘selfish’ - it’s the only option he has now.

Sorry for going o/t - it’s just such a useful thing to be aware of and highlights that boundaries are something you out in place for yourself - you can’t impose them on other people them get mad / sad when they don’t accept them. Like SIL wants her dad to not call during the day when she’s at work. But she won’t turn her phone off so he can’t 🤷‍♀️

I think it’s possibly you OP with the unrealistic expectations. She is a natural fault finder and she is in a cafe home where she didn’t want to be.
Ultimately it’s done now, and unless she is being mistreated or all of the other residents seem miserable, I wouldn’t move her. She will get used to it, may even grow to like it, but that was never going to happen from Day 1, even if logically it’s the right place for her to be.

This is really well observed. Someone posted on another thread recently about old people handing over the responsibility to you but none of the power so that you are in an impossible position. We've recently cared for /nursed initially FIL between our house and BIL's house after a fall. He has just gone back to his own home this weekend and whilst he is currently well enough there will be another crisis. But over three months of caring has been incredibly stressful and we will not be doing it again.