Unrealistic expectations

[Redlettuce29]

My mum is mid-80s and after a long stay in hospital last year she moved into a care home to be with my dad who was already there. Unfortunately he died a week later, but she's stayed there since. I live four hours' drive away but my brother is near to her.
She doesn't have any mental health issues but is lonely and pretty demanding, expecting everything to be exactly the way she likes it. She is limited in mobility but doesn't accept it, thinking we can take her out for walks and things, she can walk a bit around the home itself slowly with a walker but I wouldn't be confident to take her out in the street, she won't use a wheelchair.
A lot of the other residents are older and some have dementia and she hates being around them, frankly she thinks they are beneath her. So she's unhappy there but when she lived in her flat before her illness she couldn't really manage, found it difficult to even heat up a ready meal and hated being on her own. She couldn't really cope with running the home and would expect my brother to go round immediately for any minor matter that in her mind was a crisis (eg lightbulb blown) and made a massive fuss if he went on holiday or even out for a meal because he wouldn't be available to support her. She can wash and dress herself.
We get daily messages (she won't telephone) in-between visits saying how unhappy she is, and this conversation dominates every visit, but we can't see any alternative arrangement. She can't afford a live-in, and she would expect one to be on duty all hours, be of the same faith as her, which they won't be, and keep to her dietary requirements themselves. She also refuses to prepare the spare bedroom properly for a live-in to live there.
It would be impossible to have her live with us, neither of us have homes that are suitable (no spare bedroom or ground floor bathroom and I have a young family) and we know she'd be very demanding, insist on someone being there all the time and making the food that she likes. The latest is she says she wants to advertise for a family to live with "as her own have abandoned her".
She did go to see a self-contained flat in a care home with 24 hour call buttons and a restaurant but said it was too far to walk to the restaurant, even with a walker, and she'd have to use a lift which she's frightened to do, the other people in the communal lounge weren't friendly enough (she won't start a conversation, expects others to). Can't imagine her in a sheltered flat without a restaurant because she probably wouldn't eat properly like she didn't before, and she wouldn't see anyone.
We're out of ideas. Can anyone help?

I think that you may just have to accept that your DM is going to complain and there aren’t any suitable alternatives.
empathize with her distress but not attempt to offer her alternative solutions.
It seems unlikely that she would be happy with any alternative.

Would she consider sheltered accommodation with catering or would that be too much for her?

Do you mean a restaurant delivering food?

I'm afraid she sounds very selfish (like a lot of older people i know) and like nothing would be good enough for her. You're just going to have to grin and bear it.

Just agree with her. I’m sure she is feeling bored, lonely, scared, frustrated etc. Validate her feelings. BUT have a private agreement with yourself and your DB (if he is willing) that you cannot and will not try solve her problems as they arent solvable. It takes the pressure off you.

if the other residents have dementia, that is not much fun. might there be a different care home where the other residents are able to join in conversations and she could make friends?

if she won't consider another care home, then she will just have to stay there.

Honestly this sounds like it's just her personality rather than a current lifestyle problem. As you've said, you've looked at other options and they won't work for various reasons. Unless you can find a different care home where she could be happier (unlikely) it sounds like she's in the right place. Don't let this become your burden - you have tried but she sounds impossible.

Could she afford country cousins?
https://care.country-cousins.co.uk/live-in-care/?utm_term=country%20cousins%20live%20in%20care&utm_campaign=&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&campaignid=12366001618&adgroupid=178473321509&creative=749611810689&matchtype=e&network=g&device=m&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=12366001618&gbraid=0AAAAADt-BGHXHLl-XtjApaagJbNeDQb-f&gclid=Cj0KCQjwmK_CBhCEARIsAMKwcD6jatTDsad0JGE-HreEdE5XLgcvE38j8zKAdc4fq_NqHncrqtmRs80aAukJEALw_wcB

@Redlettuce29 Your mum certainly has a long list of requirements and most seem unrealistic. She seems to be in a phase of not accepting these requirements and thinking you and your brother can somehow wave a magic wand and make everything better. If she is well looked after in the home there is nothing more you can do other than what you're doing. It's hard that she seems upset but you're not being unreasonable to say to her you sympathise but really she has to make the most of it and not try to guilt trip you with her wants, it's very unfair.

Would be ideal, but there are too many requirements including them having to sleep in an old bed surrounded by her furniture full of her stuff, be of her faith and keep to her dietary requirements themselves.

The OP explains that her mother has set too many conditions upon live in help for it to be a workable solution.

There is one other place which might suit her better but there's no guarantee that the people would be friendly and it is much bigger so more walking. Also it's about 50% more expensive.

It’s a very similar situation to MIL who’s been in a home (a nice and expensive one!) for about 6 months. All her DC live about 2 hours away but visit once a week. A massive commitment given they all work full time.

Shes got rose tinted glasses about how good it was at home. Frankly she sat in a chair all day watching telly and managed to microwave a ready meal.

She came up with all sorts of options… moving in with her DD (no way the house would work, and her DD travels a lot), having a live in carer. Like OP she’d have hated it. Different people etc. but we costed it (in the unlikely event we could have found carers) and it was more than the £90k pa of the care home. They also worked out how much adapting her house would cost and the time it would take.

It was an exercise in kicking the can down the road. I’m not saying she’s happy there but she’s more accepting. Good luck.

Your mum sounds like the kind of person who would find something to moan about no matter what you do! I would be vaguely sympathetic when she moans in person but otherwise, develop a thick skin and let the complaints roll over you. She's in a safe comfortable place and there are no suitable alternatives. Point out the advantages when she moans and remind her that she has two children who visit and spend time with her, which is more than a lot of people have. Ask her if she really wants to ruin these visits by spending the whole time complaining?

Wish it was just complaining. She gets annoyed and accuses us of abandoning her. Like I said in my post, the latest is she wants to advertise for a family to take her in.

Let her. Honestly she's not going to get anywhere.

I have a relative like this - her cup is always half empty and she's disappointed in life and moans constantly. She's in a lovely nursing home with super accommodating staff (hardly dumped in the workhouse!) but she just sits there with a face like a slapped ar* and is rude and short with everyone. The staff are angels tbh. ADs don't seem to do anything to improve her mood. She won't join in any activities or talk to anyone unless she wants something.
Neither of us can have her live with us with the level of medical support she needs as we have disabled DH/DC already to care for. And tbh even if we could, she'd find fault because that's her default personality - perpetual disappointment. Her increasing dementia means she can no longer use her phone so we at least don't have her calling us day and night. We have to accept we can't make her happy, turn back time and make her 35yo again living her best life. Nor can we have her live with us. Of course we struggle with guilt but there's simply no other safe options available for her. And we can visit and have a familial rather than exhausted carer relationship.

💐 OP

I feel for you, your DM sounds like mine. Other posters are right it is more about personality than anything. My DM is still in her own home [just about] but wants me and DSis to solve every little problem and complains about most things whilst telling us she 'never moans'. I try and empathise up to a point as she is lonely but she is not sociable, never has been and would hate it in a home. You need to set boundaries and be as consistent with your DB on this as you can.

Mine is like this. It’s like nothing can ever be right and the grass is always greener somewhere else, totally ignoring practicalities and her personality!

Mine is very active socially, but presents a different face to friends compared to me. She wants to move in because she’s lonely, completely ignoring the fact that she sees far more people than I do each week, and that DH and I are at work and have young children so she’d be far more lonely sat in our house with no one else there on weekdays.

I just listen to the moaning (do something else at the same time as it’s on the phone) and occasionally say something like “That must be difficult”.

They have too much time on their hands op.. same here. No easy answers. We dont bring her away. Very hard work. I had put boundaries in you be run ragged. 80s

Is there another area of her current home she could move to, the one my mum is in has different areas for different levels of impairment. Also if you do visit could you take her out for a nice scenic drive rather than out for a walk?

No it’s very small. Good idea about a drive if I can get her to and from the car.

Could you look at a care home based on her religion? My grandparents were in a Methodist care home which meant a lot to my Nan (Grandpa couldn’t have cared less tbh 😂)
and another relative is in a Jewish care home.

It sounds as if what she needs is warden controlled/extra care housing with catering and activities; and what she wants is to be young again.

If she won't accept the former, and as the latter isn't possible, there's nothing you can do except buy yourself some earplugs and practice sympathetic hmmm noises.

My dp's mum is extremely recently bereaved and we are learning both about the way that grief presents in some older people (lots of moaning without necessarily wanting solutions because they may no longer have the mental strength to plan and execute) and how much live in care is NOT necessarily an answer (dpm lasted about a week before starting to complain and by one week further in was being really horrible to the carer). As it happens dpm is pretty capable and is doing OK. It really doesn't sound as if your dm would do very well outside the care home and she may already be institutionalised.

I woukd say that she might in reality cope with extra care housing which you can search for, but it costs a fortune and imo there will be zero reduction in the moaning. Tbf for many older people life IS objectively quite shit and it would be whatever the circumstances. If you're looking for permission to accept that this is the best of a series of bad options, you have it.