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Elderly parents

Dad won’t consider moving

58 replies

DulceDeLeche2Scoops · 12/06/2025 07:33

My elderly dad (a very, very good 90)is stressing me out. I get a daily 45 min phone call from him every day and it’s about the same thing.

My dad is lonely. No one comes near him. What if he had an accident? No one would know. Everyone is out and about having fun, except him.

Well, this is not true. He plays golf twice a week, bowls 3 times a week, goes out for dinner with his mates twice a week, and I kid you not, right now he’s playing 3 elderly women off against each other. All this before I mention his own 3 DC and their families AND his step DC and their families and my cousin running round after him.

That’s not what this thread is about though.

My dad lives in a large 4 bed house with a big garden. He keeps rendering himself immobile for weeks on end because of injuries he’s incurring fixing and doing things. He won’t accept he’s elderly. I don’t live near him and I’ll have to spend hours and hours calling him as he’ll be depressed, crying etc. because he can’t walk, go out, he’s lonely etc. because he’s hurt his back, leg, knee….

My sibling has asked him to move to near him, so his family can help, but he won’t. My dad’s house is falling to bits; fences need mending, rats in the roof, electrics need fixing, it’s not clean, kitchen is a state and more. He’s constantly complaining to me that his DC should be helping him with his house, mowing the lawn, fixing things. We all work FT with families and it’s a job just to get our own stuff done.

I told him last night he needs to move to a smaller place where there’s no maintenance but it’s a hard NO from him.

I only see this getting worse, and feel like I’ve got no option but to just watch it unfold.

OP posts:
Celeryindip81 · 13/06/2025 14:29

I feel sorry for the other sibling. Same relationship to him as the Op but lives only 20 minutes away, visits 2-3 times a WEEK and actively wants him to move even closer to her.

Are you sure the sibling has same very negative view and experience of your father as you?

DulceDeLeche2Scoops · 13/06/2025 19:18

Quite sure. My dad stresses him out a lot. Despite this he wants to help him.

My dad is always complaining that he doesn’t do anything for him, then complains he doesn’t want to go out with him. The other day 2 of my siblings DC wanted to go round and see if he was ok because he was immobile but he said no because then my dad would have to host them.

You can’t win. He just called me up to tell me he’s “not spoken to a soul today”.

OP posts:
theonlygirl · 14/06/2025 11:58

In what way is he vulnerable and lonely!!! The man has a superb social life.

You know what, some older people just love to moan, the glass is always half empty. In all honestly moving at 90 is zero fun for him or you. He's better off staying where he is, with all his activities and lady friends. Buy in all the help you and your siblings can afford for all the other stuff, if he can't or won't pay for it himself. More than that you can't do.

Wintersgirl · 27/12/2025 09:05

Lucyliesdown · 12/06/2025 20:44

Ah

and there we have it

the first 💧

Don't be a dick....

WhaleEye · 27/12/2025 09:10

I have a parent exactly like this. The diary is full but it’s just never enough. Lives 4 hours away. Won’t move. Regularly overdoes it so ends up injured, then it’s the end of the world.
There is nothing you can do except wait for the crisis….

WhaleEye · 27/12/2025 09:13

We’ve had the relative staying for Christmas. Refused point blank to go for a walk with us yesterday then had a right moan to their sister over FaceTime that they didn’t get their steps in for the day. It’s definitely glass half empty.

Imgoingtobefree · 27/12/2025 09:18

I think you have to accept that you can’t change him.

The only thing you can change is yourself and your feelings about the situation.
EG grey rock, therapy, low contact etc.

P.s. I don’t feel sorry for him.

Rictasmorticia · 27/12/2025 09:26

This is typical of the age group who fight hard to maintain independence. However, their idea of independence is relying on relatives or friends to do things for them. It is very hard to make them see reason as their views are so entrenched.

You are right in saying you can only wait for a crisis to force the situation. It really is just a waiting game I’m afraid.

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