Dad won’t consider moving

[DulceDeLeche2Scoops]

My elderly dad (a very, very good 90)is stressing me out. I get a daily 45 min phone call from him every day and it’s about the same thing.

My dad is lonely. No one comes near him. What if he had an accident? No one would know. Everyone is out and about having fun, except him.

Well, this is not true. He plays golf twice a week, bowls 3 times a week, goes out for dinner with his mates twice a week, and I kid you not, right now he’s playing 3 elderly women off against each other. All this before I mention his own 3 DC and their families AND his step DC and their families and my cousin running round after him.

That’s not what this thread is about though.

My dad lives in a large 4 bed house with a big garden. He keeps rendering himself immobile for weeks on end because of injuries he’s incurring fixing and doing things. He won’t accept he’s elderly. I don’t live near him and I’ll have to spend hours and hours calling him as he’ll be depressed, crying etc. because he can’t walk, go out, he’s lonely etc. because he’s hurt his back, leg, knee….

My sibling has asked him to move to near him, so his family can help, but he won’t. My dad’s house is falling to bits; fences need mending, rats in the roof, electrics need fixing, it’s not clean, kitchen is a state and more. He’s constantly complaining to me that his DC should be helping him with his house, mowing the lawn, fixing things. We all work FT with families and it’s a job just to get our own stuff done.

I told him last night he needs to move to a smaller place where there’s no maintenance but it’s a hard NO from him.

I only see this getting worse, and feel like I’ve got no option but to just watch it unfold.

God he has a better social life than me 😂

How would you feel as an adult if a family member told you that ‘you need to
move house’. Absolutely fine to be clear with him what help you’re willing/ able to offer and if you want to explore extra support (could he pay for a private care call in the evening just to check in on him and do a few jobs that need doing)

he is an adult and although it would be easier if he accepted support it clearly isn’t what he wants.

So he is fine when socialising
I think anyone who is injured and missing their usual life is a bit depressed and feels sorry for them selves. But they have someone at home to moan at! He is using you for that!
You haven't said about help.... why isnt this possible. Esp as he could avoid injury....

A stranger on the internet gives you permission to stop thinking you have to fix things for him, and to stop feeling guilty about everything. Good luck!
I am finding the "oh dear yes, that sounds rotten" approach a PP mentioned to be useful. Especially when it's some issue that I've suggested numerous solutions to that have been ignored.

My “D”M is a bit like this. I can understand the socialising but loneliness aspect. Mine doesn’t have the multiple partners on the go but does have a very active social life. Then hates it if she can’t, for some reason, take part in it. It’s like having a toddler who needs constant entertainment. Her social life is considerably more active than mine as I have a full time job and family!

I don’t know if this is the case for your dad, but mine is reluctant to show vulnerability in front of friends and doesn’t want to “put them out”. So it’s fine to have fun and socialise with them,
but she couldn’t possibly ask them to come round to visit if she was recovering from an operation or ask them to pick up some shopping as that would put them out. Can’t even ask them to recommend a handyman or taxi service as they might somehow then feel beholden to do the job themselves or offer her a lift!

If he’s in a relationship with several women then maybe he doesn’t want them to see him as more vulnerable or risk them meeting at his house?

I’ve found the only way to deal with this is sympathise:”Oh dear, that does sound difficult”, then remind that she could use a handyman, a taxi, ask the friends to visit or drop some shopping off etc. I’ve limited the phone calls as everyday would drive me mad!

As for the house. You and your sibling have made sensible suggestions and been ignored. Leave him to get on with it, but remind him the next time he gets injured and it could have been avoided by moving somewhere smaller, easier to maintain or nearer family.

Same situation for us - if your father can get medical evidence from the doctor that he has poor health you can apply for attendance allowance fir him which gives a payment towards all thegtgjngs in the house he csn not do or maintain ir grass cutting - repairs etc

I think that anyone that pulled their back and was housebound for a week regularly would be feeling pretty down about it, it must be very difficult to have been very sporty and active and then not be able to be, it's a big adjustment.

This isn't going to go back to "normal" for him and he needs to accept that, it's only going in one direction. You can't make him move, and nor should you be able to, but neither do you have to spend hours on the phone to him comiserating.

Reading between the lines there's some resentment from your side, around his previous choices when he remarried, I'd save yourself, dig into that with a therapist and work out how to hands off it for this next stage best as possible, while striking a balance that works for you. It's not easy.

Poor chap

His own daughter apparently thinking her very aged father who lives alone and ends up injuring himself when doing maintenance around the house and then being laid up for weeks on end…. is faking it when he says he is lonely and depressed.

Who needs enemies when you have family like this?

Yep, poor him.

Didn’t spend 1 Christmas with me in 30 years, and his step grandkids used to ask why my DC were calling him grandad.

But, yeah I’m the horrible one.

His choice to live alone and be lonely and depressed as a very aged man and his choice to continue to do his own maintenance despite knowing the possible consequences of being laid out for weeks on end. Selfish to take the risk and inflict that worry on family.
He’s guilt tripping. Stop ringing daily.
The rainy day is here, time to buy in help. This is what we save for to leave our busy adult DC in the prime of their lives with jobs and families of their own, free of the burden.
What were his plans for coping as he aged?

Ah

and there we have it

the first 💧

This sounds really hard for you OP and even more so if you have had a tricky, strained relationship with your dad over the years. People saying “poor chap” etc and suggesting you are dripfeeding are being a bit unfair to you in my view. You are being very supportive of your dad! Speaking daily on the phone is going above and beyond if you ask me, even if you had a very close and happy relationship with him! And you have come here to get advice, but we all need to get some of this stuff off our chest at times and I think that is the purpose of this forum.

You should cut down the phone calls. I find it’s useful to have a set time in your head and say at the start of the call that you can only talk until such a time as you have such a thing to do then. And then stick to this!

As for your dad being stubborn about moving/accepting paid help, others have made some very sensible suggestions. Particularly making the link between his mishaps and the inability to play golf etc and the fact these mishaps could be avoided if he got someone in to do the jobs.

It’s his ischoice to live in an unsuitable home. I’d listen and ask him how he wants to solve it.

Your DF won't live for ever and you don't sound very sympathetic.

This is so mean.

Why are some people on here so unkind when speaking to others. I can’t imagine typing this out when someone is worrying about their parent staying safe.

None of us live forever, I don't expect people to indulge my difficult behaviour just because I live past a certain number of years

One of my friends recently said that I’ve been “looking after him since I was a teenager, when my mum died”.

I know he’s old, and I know he’s lonely, but OMG, I’m so tired of being the adult in this relationship, rather than the child.

how far do you live from him op? Are you in the same country?

so given what you have now revealed about the relationship, take a step away and draw a line under these 45 minute tel cons

Your sibling though must have a very different relationship with him if pleading for him to move closer to her?

Not really Lucy.

2 of us feel the same way- guilt, want to help. The other sibling doesn’t really care. The first sibling lives 20 mins away, and their adult DC live in the same town. They want him to move there so they can be in and out of his place helping out. They do go over and see him 2-3 times a week.

I live 3 hours away.

He’s a bit of a Disney Guy. His friends and step DC see the fun, social, positive guy. We get the loneliness, the anger and the depression.

Thinking about it, I’ve spent the past 3 decades being his sounding board.

He can be busy and also lonely. He strikes me as the type of man (generational male ego), where he probably isn’t very honest and open about how he’s feeling to those that he does see.

He is probably depressed and would benefit from some therapy, but I also suspect there is no way he would engage with that either.

Sadly, I think it may just be a case of firm boundaries, being clear as to what is a reasonable expectation of him to have on his family and what is not. And that it is ultimately his choice to stay there and struggle, cutting nose off to spite face almost, or to choose to live in something else more manageable. Frustrating as hell, but sounds like he has the capacity to make what many others would see as an unwise decision. Again, make bravado here I expect.

Good luck!! Hold your nerve!

Yeah, put a stop to that. The sounding board thing I mean. Sounds like he’s just angry that you’re not falling for his nonsense! Maybe ask him what it’s really about? Might get him thinking?

Like others have said, he can either get help in, he could move and still stay local. He’d rather stay, and that’s his choice.

How would he be if he didn’t have anything to moan about? If he wasn’t moaning about the house, his life, what would he be moaning about instead?

You have no reason to feel guilty. Sounds like your dad needs a firm chat to!

I agree. Im not sure why some posters are even frequenting ‘elderly parents’; they either have no experience of elderly parents or got the rare ‘Disney’ one!

In amongst the meanness there is some
good advice. You can’t mend his life. You are not his parent. You do what you can and that’s it. My parent says some things to me
that 20 years ago would have had me in floods; I’m a decade in now and the war
wounds have toughened me up. Really, I’m astonished sometimes at my ability to function. They won’t change. I can’t change the situation for them. What they really want is to be twenty years younger. Don’t we all. There have now been too many incidents and too much time for me to be brought down,
because if I go down there is no one else to keep the whole sorry shit show on the road.