Where to start to get help for PiL

[LassoOfTruth]

Really hoping some of you lovely MNers can help. My poor MiL is suffering with quite advanced Alzheimer’s - she can’t read, has difficulty following conversations, has lost all sense of direction. She’s starting to forget who close family members are now. It’s heartbreaking. Such a kind, funny and clever woman so diminished by this disease.
It is time (we think) to seek a residential setting for her that can cope with her needs - or at least, care visits at home. At the moment, FiL looks after her at home, but it’s becoming harder and harder for him and he also has a heart condition which could flare up at any time. They also have an adult son (younger brother of my DH) with severe learning disabilities - he lives in a residency near-ish to them but often they bring him home at weekends.
FiL is resistant to help. AFAIK they have no outside help at present. A neighbour comes in if FiL needs to go to the doctor or something.
What practical steps should we take to find suitable potential homes for MiL, and can we hope to convince FiL to act now rather than when some disaster happens? If he collapsed again I don’t know how she’d be able to get help.
DH also has an older half sister (mum’s daughter) who lives in-between us and PiL. She’s ready and willing to help and already does quite a bit for them when she can. We want to help but we’re so far away and have small kids etc
We’re worried and as a relative outsider I see the same story unfolding as with DBiL - they’re in denial about planning for the future and what will happen re longer term care. I think FiL just assumed MiL would care for DBiL forever as she always had but now it’s she who needs the care most urgently.
Sorry for long post! Summary: what are first steps to find outside care for MiL with Alzheimer’s and any tips on getting FiL to admit help is needed .

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/

These could be good places to start for advice

How far away are you? I get that you'll be busy with small kids, but how often are you able to be there at the moment? Would you want to look for a care home nearer you, or near FIL? Will he be able to get himself there for visits?

Firstly though there is a finance question. Assuming you are in the UK, if they have more than about 14K in savings they will have to contribute to care costs. Contact their local authority adult social services and ask for MIL to have a care assessment and also a financial one. Does anyone have power of attorney for them? What is the long term plan for their disabled son after their deaths?

More on the tips bit. It's hard to get elderly parents to accept help. Try: it'll free up his time and energy if he gets people to do some of the drudge work - don't make it about how he can't manage to do it anymore, people react badly to that. Not fair to rely on the neighbour. It would make life nicer for them to get help in. It'll stop you worrying. But be prepared for all this to be dismissed and to have to push it harder.

Also look at day centres she could go to, and start research on care homes. Has she got a formal dementia diagnosis?

Would he be more open to accepting a cleaner/ gardener to introduce others gradually into the household?

Thanks for responses already.
Yes she has a formal diagnosis - for about 2 years or maybe 18 months I guess. She has been on medication to delay the progression of the disease but she also has a few other things going on (diabetes, most notably), so it’s been difficult to get the mix of medication right.
We live 6 hours away. DH tries to visit c.4 times a year but usually it’s not practical for us all to go, there’s nowhere to stay as well as it’s long drive.
If there is a long term plan for BiL it’s never been discussed with us. I have been frustrated by this for years. I know they have money saved towards his care though. No idea of their finances but it’s probable FiL has planned for all their savings/assets to go to BiL - his care costs are very high. We’re obviously fine with that but it does leave the question of elder care financing in the air somewhat. This could be a reason for FiL to be putting off getting paid help? No idea. I don’t think we could reasonably care for BiL here. I’m very fond of him but he needs personal 24hr care and we both need full time jobs to pay mortgage. I’ve always suspected PiL expected us to take BiL on in some way when they died - because they literally forget I work but that’s a whole other thread! I love them really and am dreadfully worried about the situation so any tips or word of wisdom much appreciated!

Does she have attendance allowance/ carers allowance etc? They can help costs- attendance allowance is non means tested.

Refer her to their local adult social care. They will advise and support. Do not take on caring duties yourself.

If your BIL has a place in a residential setting already, it’s not an immediate worry.

It does sound as if your concerns are more about possible though very foreseeable problems in the future rather than urgent right now. That's obviously better in a way but makes change less easy to achieve.

Does your FIL have power of attorney for your MIL?

I woukd consider whether a home visit from an Age UK or Alzheimers UK adviser, with all of you there, might be an option. A family meeting where everyone has their say, with immediate information about options, and everything written down, could be useful.

Yes @PermanentTemporary thank you. I am kind of more anxious about the further future because I think FiL is kind of burying his head in the sand a bit and DH thinks he putting on a brave face kind of thing but is actually very depressed. For which I blame him not a whit. We can’t easily go there and take her out or something but we can phone places, organise and research stuff. I know we’re supposed to resent our MiLs but I won the lottery with mine, she is such a lovely person. We’d just like to introduce some outside help to relieve the pressure on FiL and prepare for the future. I can’t get it out of my head the Gene Hackman situation. He could have a heart attack and she can’t even work a phone anymore to get help. Yes I think FiL and SiL have PoA for MiL.

Just posting in solidarity, really. My DM is at a earlier stage than your MIL (no personal care, still recognises relatives etc) , but still declining rapidly, both physically and cognitivey. They're very resistant to help of any kind - mum doesn't exactly need 'care' yet, but I do worry, particularly about times that dad's out of the house (mum is an increasing falls risk, and I'm not 100% sure that she'd know how to use the phone now - she hasn't phoned me for literally years - I always phone them). We're closer than you (about an hour and a half) but both have very much full time jobs. My dad is similarly brave face but depressed. They argue a lot now (never used to), because mum's constantly anxious and cross. It's grim.

It is grim indeed @asknotwhat, so sorry about your Mum. I feel like in just a few months MiL has gone from repeating the odd story or being a bit vague to being unable to do the most simple things and totally dependent on FiL. It’s not her fault of course but it’s very wearing to be around 24/7 for him, and we’re too far away to be of much practical help. Thank you everyone who has made suggestions I can follow up on.